Advice asked for to not feel so low

[Meanest]

Been ttc nearly 3-4 years now. Just about 39, with very very low amh. Had one round of ivf, failed, subsequent spontaneous first pregnancy, miscarried about 1.5 months ago, just began round two. (Thankyou nhs 🙏).

A friend, 40, who I like a lot has just told me with all sensitivity and kindness that she's unexpectedly preggo. Genuinely happy for her when I put myself in the mindframe of not thinking about myself. I can't wait to meet that wee baby. But the brightness of that news just puts my own feelings about myself and our struggles into much grimmer shadow. I just don't understand why I can't just have this simple thing that other people get by accident. I don't understand why we had to miscarry. I just feel like my heart stopped when I read the news. I'm looking for advice to keep hopeful becuase I just feel so low right now.

@Meanest sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I'm in a very similar position myself, just found out my colleague who has been with her partner for 5 minutes is surprisingly pregnant and had to go and have a little cry to myself.

My advice and what holds me up is: make the effort on the good days so that you can withdraw on the bad days. That is keeping a lot of my friendships going right now. I'd love to say I can be honest with my friends that that's what I'm doing but I don't know that it would be well received so I just keep it to myself.

You are not alone in this journey and hopefully round 2 is the winner. Good luck!

@Eagerlywaiting1990I think your advice is really good. And I believe you are both coping so much better.y friend is going through IVF at the same time as me and managed to get pregnant yet again (1st transfer- twins, second-pregnsnt again) I had 3 transfers and nothing. I am happy for her of course but decided to distance myself. I just cannot handle it. It hurts too much. It's bit better with people less close to me buty strategy is to distance myself as much as I can.. wish you both strength and good luck ❤

@CoCoaButter85 I'm fortunate enough to live away from most of my friends who have children. I'm in scotland and they're in Ireland, that means check ins typically have to be phone based only. I barely get home since planning is a nightmare while awaiting ivf so when I do get back I use the excuse that I just need to see family. It's a big cop out but it's working so far.

Really sorry to hear about your failed transfer. My first transfer failed and I'm about to go through medicated FET starting the end of this month, I feel so anxious already. Have your clinic suggested any next steps? Xx

@Eagerlywaiting1990 - my consultant was of an opinion that the majority of issues are due to embryo. 85% of failed transfers are due to embryo quality. And given I had one miscarriage (naturally conceived) and one fet that tested positive very early on and then failed that makes sense. However, I did further 2 eggs collections so ended up with 6 embryos that were tested and are euploid. I'm bit concerned he will recommend expensive tests (era/Alice etc) so undecided what to do. I can go ahead and transfer tested embryos without expensive tests with the hope to say some money or just do the tests now to save myself some heartache. It will be interesting to see what your consultant tells you.

What are you planning for Christmas? Are you going to have some drinks or nothing at all? I think I am planning to enjoy yourself but not to the point where I wake up with banging hangover. Not drinking during work Christmas party as will be driving and very busy at work so don't want to lose my productivity.

Living further away from the family certainly helps. Well done for managing it! Instead just ghosting people like I do, haha

@CoCoaButter85 that's really interesting, I've never come across that statistic before but my consultant did say it was likely an issue with the embryo as everything looked good from my end. 6 euploid embryos is amazing though! We've got 5 in the freezer but two are day 6s which i have less faith in. We also cant do double transfers in scotland anymore.

Thats a really tough decision. Our clinic won't do the Alice and Era tests since they aren't evidence based but did say they'd investigate if my second embryo doesn'timplant so I don't know what that will entail. I think I'd pay for those tests myself though if needed. It's hard going through the heartache

I'm going to enjoy myself up until the 23rd of December when I downregulate but yeah, will avoid the hangovers for my sanity and for my health. This process takes so much away from you as it is..When are you due to go for transfer again? xx

Glad that I’m not alone at least. Thanks for the advice @Eagerlywaiting1990 :)

@CoCoaButter85 omgoodness the planning around ivf is so difficult. I’m freelance and have had to turn down three big jobs this year due to ivf dates… I’m running v low on money now! Obviously it’s worth it but those 6 weeks I was pregnant were amazing, in part because I was like, I’m free! Free to plan a holiday or take a job or whatever.

my low low amh means max drugs, and very unlikely to get anything for the freezer. We got three eggs on our last round (one matured only when it was outside my body!). All three fertilized but only one 4CC was good enough to transfer. Was amazing that the next month we had a spontaneous conception after waiting years without a peep.

christmas wise, I’m already on prostrap but won’t start stims till nye. Just a shame the holidays are between. I’m going to have a glass of wine at Christmas, and maybe one champagne. I basically stopped drinking October 2023 in anticipation of ivf but have had certain health disasters (including a severe haemorrhage and multiple blood transfusion) that have constantly delayed treatment 🤦 One thing I’ve learned it that I’m way more robust than I was in my 20s.

off to meet the much yearned for baby of my partner’s friends this weekend. The struggle her parents had to get her here does make it easy to be very happy for them at least. It’s funny, I’m more jealous of pregnant people than the baby having itself. Wonder what that’s about. (Sorry for the slow reply, I was on a training course/driving across country the last two days!)

double posted sorry!

@Meanest I'm the exact same, I struggle more with pregnancies than babies. I think it's cause I then know it's their baby and not mine 😅.

Aw I absolutely hear you. When I heard I was back on the waiting list for 3-4 months before being able to go again I just sobbed. I'm so sick of this dictating my life. I can't even begin to imagine how hard that is when it dictates your work too xx