We’ve been trying for our second baby for almost two years. Due to two horrifically complicated miscarriages where I have been pregnant for a while and then loss/recovery has been a while, we’ve only actually tried for 9 of these months. Whilst I appreciated two pregnancies in 9 months are quite good odds in terms of fertility, I feel broken, and mentally and physically exhausted.
I’m getting to the point where seeing people with babies and prams in shops is making me sad, one of my closest friends is pregnant by accident and I don’t want to see her. Every time someone tells me they are pregnant it feels like I’ve been winded, not because I don’t want them to be, but because I also want to be, or I should have one of the babies I’ve lost. I was 13 weeks when I found I have a missed miscarriage last year and I constantly think of the baby that could’ve been.
I keep thinking there’s a real chance this just won’t happen for us, I know I’m incredibly lucky to have a child, I’m thankful for them everyday, they ask for a sibling most days, and it breaks my heart. At the moment I feel like 90% of my thoughts are about what’s happened, what’s not happened, and will it ever happen.