I am in a very not good place right now. I am angry at myself, my husband, and the whole world basically. I really don’t know what shall I do. We met with my husband late in life ( I was 38, he 42) and we immediately started to try for babies. After six unsuccessful months we went to the doctors. Basically with me they said everything was ok, husband’s sperm quality not so much. We immediately started down the IVF route and I was lucky that I needed a fairly low dosage of hormones. We ended up with 14 eggs, 5 embryos. We were super happy. Started implantation one by one and they were all failing. After the third failure I got very discouraged and I said we needed a break. Long story short at the hospital seeing my frustration and finally taking my complaints about heavy and painful periods more seriously they did some more tests and they realized that I had a polyp. I was operated in August, in September I went to implant the 4th embryo and in June 2023 my beautiful baby boy was born. I was so so happy. So the problem is that time was ticking and where my husband and I are living they support IVF only until the age of 43. When my baby was 7 months old we went to implant the last embryo from the first cycle, but that failed unfortunately. So we decided to do another cycle even though my husband wasn’t happy about it ( he is afraid that the hormones are not the safest and they can trigger things like cancer which I have in my family). But I so much want an other baby. So this time around my hormone levels were not so good anymore and I needed triple dose. We had three embryos. Today I just lost the second one and we still have 1 frozen. But I am already worried that won’t work out as well. I am so torn, sad and exhausted. I didn’t know that babies were this amazing, I am so much in love with my son want to give him everything including a little brother or sister. I am angry at the doctors at my hospital for not discovering the polyps sooner. We lost 3 maybe perfectly viable embryos like this and nobody can give them back to me. To them they are nothing, to me they were life. I am angry at my husband because he doesn’t want to make an other round ( even though we could afford to go private). I am angry at myself because I am here obsessing about something instead of enjoying my time with my family and little one. My rationale mind knows perfectly that I should be happy and that others would give everything to be in my situation but my heart is aching for an other baby. I would like to hear from you guys some input if you have been in a similar situation, how did you manage it? In all my life I worked hard to make it, somehow it’s difficult to accept when it’s just not up to me.