How to help friend

[Worriedmotheroftwo]

A close friend of mine has recently revealed to me that she's struggling to conceive and has been trying for almost two years without success. I vaguely knew she'd been trying for a bit, but hadn't realised it had been so long. It's completely unexplained, and she's looking into IVF. She's almost 40. I want to support her but not sure what I can do/say and don't want to come across insensitively. She said it feels good to talk about it, so I've listened and let her talk as much as she wants. Is there anything else I can do? I have two children of my own and they're at the centre of my life, so I do inevitably talk about them a lot - should I make an effort not to as I guess this is insensitive? Is there anything else I should / shouldn't do? She's the nicest person ever and I hate seeing her struggling so much - I wish I could help.

Hi @Worriedmotheroftwo , I think listening to your friend is the best thing you can do and sounds like you're already doing that. It's very difficult to open up about infertility issues, after 3 years of trying with no luck I still struggle to talk about it sometimes. If your friend is happy to tell you what she's going through, just be there for her and make her feel you care. I personally don't mind if people talk about their children because I understand they're such a big part of their lives. What I find difficult is when they mention them way too often and every conversation leads back to a story about something their child has done. I try to be understanding but it makes me feel sad because I know I'm missing out. So perhaps mention your children but make sure they're not the centre of the conversation? If your friend is just looking into IVF now, be aware that it'll be a long and painful journey. NHS wait lists are long, the 1st cycle is often unsuccessful, and there's lots of other hurdles along the way. I find it when I try to tell people about it, they normally underestimate the challenge I'm facing and treat it as if I had a toothache or something. I guess they just don't know what to say or do. It's really hard to support someone who's going through this, so just be available for your friend and make sure she knows that you're happy to listen. There might be times when you won't say the right thing but it's not the end of the world. If she opened up to you, she did it because she trusts you.

Forgot to mention: tell her about this forum, I've found it very useful to talk to other people going through IVF. 😊

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your reply.

As a new mum myself it's so hard not to talk about your children.
Having experienced both sides of the fence ( struggled for 18 years to get pregnant our son is ivf) I would say yes, dont always talk about the kids. its the hardest thing to do , I want to talk about my son all the time but I know what it's like friends constantly talking about their kids meanwhile I was trying so hard to get pregnant and failing each time. Especially at Christmas time it's extremely hard hearing friends talk about their families what they are buying their kids ect.
Be there for you friend, tell her your there to listen to here any time she needs. Your support is the most important thing you can offer at this time.

Thank you. Really good point re Christmas.