My best friend is pregnant and I don't know if I want to meet up...

[kiaraluna]

My best friend and I both are trying to conceive in our late-30's, and she's a year older. She's trying naturally and I'm doing IVF in another country for cheaper and better treatments. I've been doing this for almost a year now, frequently flying and staying there alone for 1 to 2 weeks each month. Since the next time I fly, I will stay for at least a month and have my birthday there, I asked her if we can meet up for a pre-birthday dinner next week before I fly. She said yes, and at the same time telling me that she's 5-month pregnant. She said she didn't tell me earlier because she wanted to wait until after the first structural scan.

I totally understand that. It's because she had an early miscarriage 2 years ago. And ever since you have experienced it once, you'd because very cautious. I also had an early miscarriage 1.5 years ago from my first IVF, and so I really understand. I'm happy for her, but I'm lying if I say I don't feel a little upset. And I don't know if I can handling meeting up with her now... to see her so heavily pregnant while I've been trying in vain.

I've had a very hard time during this whole thing. I have extremely low AMH and AFC (husband's sperm is weak too). I can only get 1 to 2 D3 embryos each cycle (cannot risk to push to D5 and test). And since my first try ended up with a miscarriage, I've been doing multiple retrievals to bank embryos, as I have to take into account that many of them might be lost with failed transfer or miscarriage. I've been throwing the kitchen sink trying to improve egg quantity and quality, but nothing has worked so far after almost a year of hard work and lots of money spent. It's very hard that when many people get 20+ eggs and 10+ embryos each time, but I can't even get the same number after 8 retrievals (I only have 9 embryos now, all D3 untested). I also had one failed transfer a few months ago, and at the same time found out I have autoimmune disorders. I've since postponed further transfers and been on immune protocol for 3 months now. I'll resume transfer in my next cycle, and with 9 embryos I only have around 4 to 5 chances of transfer. Honestly I don't have much hope because I think the odds are against us. But I really do think I'm done with all the back to back retrievals... it's messing up my my hormones, my emotions, my wellbeing... my life.

However, I've always been very caring, supportive and motivating after her miscarriage. I gave her lots of gifts, like fertility teas and supplements, lucky charms I got from Japanese Shrines when I travelled there etc. just anything that's good for fertility and for good luck, I'd always get one extra for her. Actually this time the reason why I wanted to meet up before I fly is that I've bought so many fertility-related gifts for her in the past few months and I want to give her before some of them get expired. But she actually didn't do anything for me. Since she and her husband are both a bit overweight and have unhealthy lifestyle, I always shared ways and info for improving fertility, I know and do a lot because I'm doing IVF and throwing the kitchen sink. But obviously she's not doing any of that. For example, I've been cutting off caffeine and cold food & drinks since TTC, but she couldn't even do that which is already the simplest thing of all.

When she knew that I was doing IVF, she didn't really ask about it. I just felt that her attitude was a bit weird, and later I knew that she thought doing IVF=100% success pregnancy with just one try (it's a different story if it didn't stick), and that it's a rather easy and short-cut path for rich people who can afford the expensive treatments. I thought she acted weird probably because she thought I would get pregnant very soon while she had to keep trying naturally. It's until one time she asked if I was already pregnant that I told her many transfers could end up with no implantation at all, and I wasn't even having transfer yet because I had to do multiple retrievals to bank embryos. It's a long, stressful, emotionally draining and expensive process. I know TTC naturally isn't easy either. She must have faced many disappointments every month when her period comes. But at least she didn't have to go through all the injections and surgeries... and the disappointment of knowing you put embryos that you tried so hard to get into your womb - you saw the images of the embryos and saw them being put into you - but then they still didn't implant... I think it felt so much worst than trying naturally.

I know she may not be able to afford IVF treatments, but in where we live, every woman can get 3 subsidized treatments in a public hospital before 40, but of course the queue is long and you have to wait for at least half a year to get the 1st appointment. I encouraged her to apply for it before she turned 39, but she didn't. It didn't seem to me that she's really putting any effort in it, but still, she's pregnant now at 40. Perhaps she's just letting it be. She didn't really stress over it and so she didn't care about changing lifestyle, taking supplements, doing exercise... whatsoever. We're on completely different paths and situations. I shouldn't think that she's not trying hard enough because some people really do get pregnant without trying very hard. I know to make comparison will only make myself more upset, but I just find it very hard to face it... you see everyone getting pregnant while I still don't see a silver lining.

I thought of cancelling the dinner because I don't know if I can handle this. But perhaps it's better that we meet up now than if my coming transfer failed and I would then meet up with her when she's even more heavily pregnant and I just went through another failure. It would be even harder for me... I really don't know... should I go or not?

I say this with respect, but if you think she doesn’t deserve to be pregnant (which is kind of how it comes across) you shouldn’t go. I understand the sadness that comes when a friend announces a pregnancy, but the lengths to which you are comparing your and her lifestyle/ situations/ outlooks doesn’t sound healthy.

I’m sure she’d understand if you wanted to cancel- I wonder if she’s held off telling you about her pregnancy because she knows how painful it would be for you?

Wishing you lots of luck with your next transfer.

You do come across as bitter. I appreciate the IVF journey is hard (after 7 years of trying myself) but I was always over the moon when friends fell pregnant, I knew how much being pregnant would mean to me and therefore to my friends.

I think if you can't be happy for your friend you shouldn't go.

In the ideal world we would all be happy for those who have things we want but are struggling with ourselves. I think your dilemma about meeting is totally understandable. Personally I have avoided many events with pregnant women. I feel a bit ashamed of my feelings but I also know that many other women are feeling similar things. I think that your sadness is just as valid as her joy. If it will make you really unhappy then maybe best to avoid and gently explain to her that you are having a difficult time with your treatment.i think a friend will understand. When I was pregnant with my little boy after lots of problems I was very secretive as I was worried about telling anyone I might upset. I wish you all the best of luck with your upcoming treatment.

Why do you only have 4 or 5 chances to transfer with 9 embryos? I would suggest starting with single transfers.

I have a child after a lot of IVF, it has taken its toll. I also travelled for treatment which I think is great if you’re one of those lucky ‘oh we combined it with a holiday and I got pregnant’ types who views it all as an adventure. After lots of tries it can feel really difficult.

Regarding your friend, could you meet for a coffee or something? Easier to leave quickly rather than a long drawn out dinner if you find it difficult when you are her. If you really don’t feel like you can meet her then don’t (ie don’t make your pregnant friend travel to meet you if you are certain you couldn’t handle it, that would not be fair on either of you).

If you want to remain friends you can tell her some version of how you’re feeling. Or tell her that you need space but hope all continues to go well for her pregnancy.

On this anonymous forum I will admit that I never really felt pleased for friends who got pregnant easily (I think it’s a way of thinking you have got into). I don’t think it’s a good thing but you feel what you feel. I always managed congratulations but it was an autopilot reply. Very convincing though, DH commented on it.

It’s such an annoying phrase but it’s true that other people’s pregnancies are not going to mean your treatment works or doesn’t work.

Wishing you lots of luck with transfer.

I don't think that she doesn't deserve to be pregnant, that's a very malicious thought... I truly wanted her to succeed, especially after the miscarriage. I understand that because I've gone through this myself too. That's why I bought her so many things that help fertility/symbolize good luck. I mean it truly from my heart, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered to spend extra money to buy her things, while I'm already spending so much on my own treatments.

I'm just sad and bitter that I haven't seen any improvement/silver lining while I've been working so hard... In every retrieval I humbly prayed for only 1 more follicle, or if I have only 2 embryos than at least I wish both of them are of good quality.... but that never happened no matter how much effort I've put into it. Nothing's ever paid off, and I inevitably think of how little she (or any other woman) has done. and I ask God why?

I know these are some very unhealthy thoughts. I feel bad for feeling this way towards her pregnancy. I'm truly happy for her but just enormously sad for myself. It's not about her actually, it's about how I can't really process all these disappointments...

I believe she held off telling me really because of the last miscarriage, knowing that the baby's heartbeat could suddenly be gone with no reasons given. It's something that would scar you for life. I also think that I won't even tell my family until after 5 months if I ever get pregnant, and I may only tell her after I have the baby in my arms. This whole IVF thing, together with the autoimmune issues I have, is telling me that you can't be happy too early until after you have the baby in your arms. Anything can happen. To have a smooth pregnancy and live birth is like a rare miracle to me.

I did really have my worst retrieval just around the time she told me the news. It was the first time I did it locally, with subsidized treatment I mentioned in my original post. But the techniques here are very lagged behind, I did it only because of the much cheaper price and I want to have a backup plan here. The doctor used a high dose on me, which he thinks should be used on people with severe DOR and low respond like me. But I've had better results on a low dose in the other country. I ended up stimmed for 13 days to get only one bad quality embryo out off 4 eggs (I usually only stimmed for 8 days to get two better embryos), and for some reason they insist not to use ICSI even I've requested. And the worst part? They used local anesthesia during the surgery, and it kind of lost its effect half way through. I've never experienced this kind of pain before that I could feel something stabbing through my organs inside... and I was in pain and bleed for 5 days after the surgery, which never happened before when I did it in the other country.

I couldn't help but felt really bad for wasting 2 months here to waste for this surgery only to get this result and unnecessary pain that isn't even worth given such result... I was so upset. I wanted someone to talk to besides my husband. She's the only person who knows about my IVF (I never told my family, not even about the last miscarriage). But when she told me the good news, I can only be happy for her and don't want to burden her with the bad things that happens to me. For all these times I've been pretending to be fine and happy in front of everybody, especially my family, even right after I had the miscarriage. I'm forced to be resilient for so long, with no support system, no one to talk to... and as I said, she didn't really talk with me much about what I'm going through with the IVF thing... I didn't have the chance yet to tell her about my autoimmune issue, which has made me feel so hopeless...

I always know that this day will come, that one of us would get pregnant first, and in the worst case, the other one would never... I won't feel good either way. It's not that I don't want her to be pregnant, I just can't really handle the thought of myself never getting pregnant after working so hard on this...

My RE suggested transferring at least 2 each time. I prefer single transfer like you said. But since some of the embryos are frozen in the same tube, they would transfer both embryos in the same tube in on go, because to thaw and freeze one of them again is too risky, it may not survive.

I've always tried to think of my every IVF trip as half vacation, thought I usually spent half of the time visiting the clinic, having acupuncture... and also working remotely. And in 5 out of the 7 retrievals I did there, my husband wasn't there, He couldn't apply for leave and so I was all by myself, using frozen sperm for fertilization. I had to sign a disclaimer to leave the clinic by myself after the surgery, because basically they don't allow patients to leave on their own after anesthesia. I'm kind of a loner, who used to backpacking solo, so I'm fine with being alone in another country for at least 2 weeks every month. But to see every other woman being accompanied by their husbands, sometimes I felt very upset that my husband couldn't take one day off to be there with me (it's only a 1.5 hrs flight). I've had emotional breakdowns and talked with my husband about this. I understand his difficulty, because of his extremely stressful job and heavy workload, and he's still grieving for the sudden past of his mother earlier this year (I'm still grieving too, but of course it hurts him so much more). Things haven't been going easy on him either. He basically lost his ability to really understand and empathize what I'm feeling and going through, while I've tried my best to do this for him. So I never asked him to be there with me, even though using fresh sperm should be better than using frozen one. I just push myself to get better and more eggs, hoping to compensate the downside of using frozen sperm. I tried not to add to his burden, while putting on many burden on my own, which he didn't realize. He can't understand my disappointment of not seeing any improvement, because he doesn't really see how hard it's for me to throw the kitchen sink and doing everything I could to get better results.

@thehangrycaterpillar I think it's a good suggestion that I can meet her for a coffee instead of a long dinner. This will make things easier for both of us. I don't want her to be too tired either.

Yes, it's not a good thing to not feel pleased for friends who got pregnant easily. I hate myself for feeling that way. But I really can't help it. I'm just sad for myself. I'm happy for her indeed. It's just a very contradicting situation and feeling to handle. Of course I congratulated her wholeheartedly, and for others who're not that close, I congratulated on auto-pilot like you said. You know what, there have been so many pregnant women keep appearing around me... My neighbor just brought home her newborn a few months ago, which was around the same time I should have brought home mine if I didn't miscarry. I'm forced to hear her baby crying every day, the laughter in their apartment when people came to visit and play with the baby... It's been really hard for me, you know... And then one of my acupuncturists just had a baby, the other is now heavily pregnant, my beauty consultant is pregnant with her 2nd child (who somehow thought it was a good idea to show me photos of her cute first-born to "cheer me up" after I told her I just miscarried earlier this year... I know she meant well but...). I always managed to congratulate them, laugh with them, looking at the cute baby photos they showed me and keep saying "how cute!!!" with a big smile on my face. But deep down my heart is torn apart...

I've been where you are multiple times when it comes to thinking why not me? I've had family and friends announce 1st and 2nd babies while i was trying for my 1st. Even had one friend say her baby was an accident as they weren't trying (was a kick in the gut to me!)

It's unfair that so many woman can fall pregnant easily or without even trying and then others like us on this forum can go years with no success. My best friend and I started trying for a baby at the same time. She got pregnant in month 1 and I started the process of IVF 2 years later. And then for her 2nd child again she decided what month she would start trying and got pregnant again right away. There were lots of times I would feel sad and bitter about the entire situation of infertility as it sucks big time! And there is so little that can be done sometimes as its out of our control but yet we try everything possible that we can, take every supplement/tea that's on the market, change the way we eat, exercise more. Sometimes though it makes f all difference.

I really think you would benefit from seeing a therapist if you haven't already. I feel you have a lot of built up tension and anger and it would help to speak to someone to get things off your chest.

Where your friend is concerned I agree with the other comment of meeting for a coffee. That way the meeting can be shorter. and it will maybe help to clear the air a bit by meeting up. You can be happy for her and sad for you at the same time. It's bittersweet.

I wish you lots of luck for your treatment x

I can understand what you are going through. You have to do what you have to do for your mental health.

I would probably not meet her, call sick last minute. It will be very hard on you. I've been through the same, and my best friend who was over 40 fell pregnant within 2 months of trying while I started trying much younger, was already years into fertility treatments and had 3 miscarriages.

Unfortunately, many times things are not fair but often there's nothing we can do but keep going. I backed off from the friendship, it would be too much for me to handle to be meeting her while she was pregnant and having such an easy road.

I just wouldn't meet my friend, she understood and didn't push it. If she's your true friend she will understand.

Now, I was similar to you, struggled to make embryo and then when finally found a protocol that would work better I started getting recurrent miscarriages. I would be in every fertility blog and FB page I could find. I finally got the advice there to see a Reproductive Immunologist, that was a game changer. I still had 2 failed cycles (including another miscarriage) with the Immunologist, but the third was successful.

I did countless IVF stim cycles, would only get 1 or 2 embryos per cycle, 6 years in total.

What helped me keep going? I always sort of had a plan. I used 4 different clinics, all private, started with the cheapest and the last one was the most expensive. I would put a timeline per clinic, eg 3 cycles with this doctor.

We also made other plans such as how badly do you want to be a mother? I didn't want to lose my fertility window and made the plan that after such age I would use donor eggs, if donor eggs tried all embryos on a full package then would try surrogacy. If all that failed then it would be adoption. I didn't want to miss motherhood even if it wasn't how I planned.

Sorry for the long post, just talking about my experience.

Have you looked into PRP on the ovaries?

I wouldn't spend more money on 3 day embryos. The success rate is lower, and you know less about their quality. If they were to fail you don't know if it's because the embryo didn't develop or it was your immune issues. I only did once a day 3 embryo and it didn't implant. Never again.

What type of Immune issue you have? Sometimes the first protocol doesn't work. I would start transferring those embryos and try different immune protocols. If you have immune issues that affect reproduction, those immune protocols are likely pricey and you really want to use good embryos to give it the best chance. It usually takes at least 2 months on immune protocol before you are able to transfer an embryo.

About your husband, I think men are less empathetic. My husband would only go with me on the days he had to release sperm, everything else I did myself. I agreed, I didn't want him to miss work so often, since unfortunately the treatments lasted years.

It's a lonely road, you feel like nobody can understand. I only had one friend I could talk to about it because she also had miscarriages, divorced and didn't have children. I could only talk to someone who had gone through a similar road, she's overseas so it was only on the phone.

I would encourage you not to feel pressured to continue the friendship if it will cause you so much stress and make a fertility plan with the next steps.

I also tried everything, different diets, keto, lost 20 kilos cause was overweight, acupuncture, massages, light therapy and at the end what helped was the immune treatment. So, if you already know you have immune issues, I would see a Reproductive Immunologist asap. There are FB pages dedicated to that... If you ever want to chat you could send me a direct message.

I'm Christian and I listened to a lot of preachers that were sort of self help, those really helped me to avoid a depression. Find sometimes that can help you get up when you fall because this journey is too hard.

I totally feel you... infertility sucks! And it's not like I don't want to see my best friend, or any other women, get pregnant. I want them to win, but I also want myself to win too. I just want God to spare me a little mercy, a bit more luck, so that I can become a mother before I get too old...

Like my friend, I know it hasn't been easy for her too. She had a miscarriage before, and has been TTC naturally for at least 3 to 4 years. It's indeed a piece of good news that she finally got pregnant at 40. But for her being overweight, not changing lifestyle at all etc... to be able to get pregnant at this age, and everything goes so smoothly... I have to say she's very lucky. And I just want some of that luck - it's something that some people get without trying so hard and sacrificing so much like we do.

We have a whatsapp group for IVF patients going to the same clinic, where we're supposed to share useful info and experiences. But once in a while, there're women who kind of keep "bragging" about how they succeeded with the first try, some even have twins, and have a smooth pregnancy. They said it like there's something they did right, more or better than the rest of us, or worse, some of them bragged about how little they've done, like they were all that carefree and relaxed and didn't worry about a thing... and that's why they succeeded with the first try. Little do they know that they're just lucky. They never experienced any obstacles, or losing their babies... There's nothing to brag about being simply lucky, and neglecting the feelings of others in the group who're still struggling. (I have muted the group and only pay attention to content that are useful now)

I haven't see a therapist because it's too expensive and it's not covered by insurance in where I live. With the already expensive IVF treatments, plus other things like expensive supplements and acupuncture etc., I don't think I can afford to see a therapist. But I've recently tried something called Craniosacral Therapy to help me release stress (as every Chinese Medicine Practitioners I see said that my pulse is very "tensed" and that I'm not able to relax). The Craniosacral Therapist talked to me about my miscarriage and the IVF journey during the session, let me get something out of my chest and I cried like a baby... I think it did help me release some stress and pain that I've buried deep down.

BTW, I didn't meet with my friend at last because I was very sick for that whole week. Now I try not to stress myself for this because there're more important things for me to do and worry about. I hope next time I meet her, we're both pregnant and we'll have a baby and become mothers together :)

Thank you very much and I wish you all the best too!

I didn't meet with her at last, I was really sick at that time, like covid-sick but luckily it's not covid... and it lasted for 2 whole weeks, that even if she tried to reschedule, I couldn't make it. And then I flew to the another country to continue my IVF treatment.

To conceive naturally at 40, like your friend and mine, requires a great deal of luck, especially when my friend and her husband are both overweigh and not leading a healthy lifestyle. It's not like I don't want to see her succeed, I'm just upset that I'm still struggling and not having a bit of that luck, even when I'm trying and working so much harder, sacrificing so much more... But well, life is never fair. What more can we say?

I don't know if she understands. She may think that I faked sick... she didn't push even though she asked me every day if I had got better and try to reschedule (she's never the one to initiate anything so I can see how much she wanted to meet up). We exchanged some messages and I couldn't help telling her how much I was struggling, and how I'm not blessed with luck (like getting this sick right before a FET? I haven't been sick for 2 years but got this sick at the most critical time?!)... I know I'm terrible but I kind of wanted her to know that it's really a bit too much to ask of me to be completely happy and celebrate her pregnancy at this difficult time of mine.

You're right that people who haven't been through this couldn't possibly understand how hard this whole things is, and how much it's affecting us negatively in so many ways. It's like I haven't been living "normally" and being myself for a very long time. She tried to "console" me by suggesting me to delay the FET until I get better. But I'm turning 39 later this month, and this FET has been postponed for some months due to my immune issues, and I also wasted the previous 2 months to have an unsuccessful ER in a local hospital... and now you're pregnant... I feel so lagged behind, and you're asking me to postpone it further... She doesn't understand how we're fighting against time and so many odds, a month delayed is a month wasted. It's because for people like us, with immune issues, even when we get pregnant successfully, it's only the beginning of another battle (after fighting so hard only to get a few embryos). We have to be prepared for failures, and many more trial & error... it would take a lot of time... we can't wait. She thinks I'm pushing myself too hard. Well but for people like us, if we don't push this hard, we have zero chance. It's not like I could possibly get pregnant naturally without pushing anything like her. There is no way I can make her understand...

I can't imagine how you've been doing this for 6 years... I would have given up a long time ago. I guess you're banking day 5 embryos and even have them tested? Mine are all day 3's, I can't risk to push them to blast. Some doctors and people said that I have very slim chance of success with day 3's, but in my case I may need 10+ ERs to get one euploid, if I'm lucky. It's just too hard, and very expensive. Sometimes I even forget why I wanted to have a baby in the first place...

Don't be sorry, and thanks for sharing your experience. I like to hear other people's stories and we can share experience, mostly importantly, we understand how hard it is for us.

I've done ovarian PRP twice. After the first one, my AFC kind of increased from 1-2 to 3-4 each cycle, and getting 2 embryo instead of 1 (though usually one of them is good and the other is weaker). Then I had another one in Aug, hoping to get better result in the ER at a local hospital. All my previous ERs were done in Taiwan, and this most recent one was the first time I did in HK, and I know they would use a higher dose stimulation. Even though I believe more in Taiwan's techniques and protocol, I was still hopeful that perhaps changing clinic and protocol could lead to a better result? And I did one more PRP hoping it would help. But that when I thought the ER would happen in Sep, a month after the PRP, it turned out that the local hospital's practice is to have you report your cycle in Sep, but only starting the stimulation in Oct. I wasted a whole month waiting, for no logical reason at all, while possibly wasted the PRP which may see the best effect in the next cycle. Then in Oct I finally started stimulation, and with 5 AFC to start with, all look quite even in size. I thought I may be able to get more embryos this time and perhaps try to push them to blast. But the higher dose proved to be detrimental to me. Only 2 of the follicles have grown bigger after a week, and 2 new ones just appear but with much smaller sizes and very unlikely to catch up. I told the doctors that a lower dose should work better on me, but they refused to listen and put me on the same high doses for 6 more days... I had my ER on as late as day 16, and got only one day 2 embryo of 2II grade (not good). It's the worst result I have so far.

I was just so upset and well, that's the time my friend told me she's 5 months pregnant. I told her I have immune issues which will make it even harder for me to have a baby. She didn't know what it is. How lucky that you don't need to know and bother about things like this...

Yes I'm already seeing a RI. And my immune issues are basically a little elevated NK (around 19%, and the lower I get was like 13% after medication, but it has to be lower than 12% to be safe). And I once tested positive for Lupus Anticoagulant. Though the level went down to normal (but still on the higher end) when in multiple retests, my RI said that I still have this tendency. And it may also resulted in my highly elevated C1Q. It should be lower than 10, but I was tested 35 the first time, it dropped to 20 after 3 months of medication, but surged to 43 when most recently tested and very close to my FET. My RI put me on both intralipid and IVIG (so freaking expensive!). I don't know if it would work this time.

I've also joined some FB pages that talk about immune issues and egg quality. I find them very helpful.

It's indeed a very lonely road. I appreciate my husband for the financial support and his job is very stressful. It hurts me to see him work under such incredible pressure. That's why I don't want to add burdens to him, and try my best to handle this IVF thing on my own as much as possible. But sometimes he just didn't do the very small things that I asked him to do, like sleep earlier, eat healthier... just to take good care of his health because sperm quality is an important factor too. You know what, he got shingles when I started the stimulation in my previous ER. I was so worried that it would affect his sperm quality, and the hospital almost forbidden him to come to give his sperm. And every time when I told him that my ER would be on a weekday and he needed to get a half day off to give his sperm, he would always said, "but I can't get a day off."... Every time it just made me feel like I'm causing him a lot of trouble, because his job is more important than what I'm doing now. I kept worrying about many things on my own... And one night, I asked him, in a very soft tone, to be more careful and try not to get sick (like having shingles) at the most critical time. He became defensive at once and said, "so now you're blaming me again!" I didn't know what to say. Am I this terrible person who blames him a lot? I've been very considerate of his feelings all along. All I asked was him to prioritize this thing that we've spent so much time and money on, to get the best possible outcome so that we don't have endure more losses again. It hurt me so much to hear him say that. But later we had a talk about it, we both cried like crazy. He said that he's so stressful at work that he couldn't really function sometimes when I asked him questions, and he's still grieving for his mother who passed suddenly earlier this year... He may not completely understand what I'm going through, as I'm the one who have to get through all these medical procedures, and the physically and emotionally burden that ensue.. But I know it hasn't been easy for him either... within 6 months he lost his first baby and his mother... and he doesn't have much time to relax and to digest all these with that stressful job.

So despite all the bad things that happened, I guess my relationship with my husband gets stronger because now I've learned to talk about our feelings and have some difficult conversations, and try to find solutions instead of escaping. And if we're left with no chance but to let this baby thing go, we'll still each other.

We had sperm issues at some point, so we left frozen sperm in every clinic, just in case one retrieval he didn't get good sperm or didn't get sperm at all, it happened once.

My husband started to worry and really pay attention to the treatments until the second miscarriage, before that he really wanted a baby but wasn't too interested on the process. After the second MC he started to worry too same as me.

For many couples, infertility makes them or breaks them. I'm glad your marriage got stronger, mine did too.

Yes, my friend doesn't realise how lucky she is. She's very lucky in other areas of her life but never acknowledged that is luck. It will be the same with your friend, not acknowledging how incredibly lucky she is to not having done any change (either lifestyle or treatment) and get pregnant naturally at 40.

Don't feel pressured to meet her, you can just take a break from the friendship, it doesn't have to end forever.

I stopped contact with this friend when she got pregnant and as soon as she knew I gave birth recently she made contact. We are sort of restarting the friendship. I do cherish her, didn't want to pause the friendship but my mental health wouldn't have survived being in contact with her and talk about her pregnancy. I would have been a terrible friend had we kept in contact while my mental health would have gone on overload.

Immune issues are the worse, I knew nothing about them until I had the recurring losses and someone recommended, but it took us long time to even know this medicine field existed. Have you tried LDN (Low Dose Naltrexone), its a very good medicine. That's only one of the several I took for T cells and NK cells but I could tell immediately it reduced inflammation because my other aches stopped immediately.

Wishing you the best in your journey! May you be successful very soon.

Thank you for your sharing, and congrats on your baby! I'm so happy to hear that you've already succeeded and given birth! Please let me pm you to talk more~

@kiaraluna Sure, feel free to PM me.