I no longer want to do ivf :(

[Dameronciaz]

My partner and I have been unsuccessfully TTC since late 2021/ early 2022. In that time I’ve had two laparoscopies and since found out I have a further medical issue. I put off trying to get pregnant for YEARS prior to this due to severe emetophobia. When we started trying I had had years of therapy to try and help my emetophobia only to then go through infertility.

We decided this year we would do ivf but unfortunately due to the current medication I am on we’ve had to put this on hold. I’m now at a stage where we can attempt ivf again and I’m just so tired :( the last two years of my life have been mentally and physically exhausting. Every single day for the last couple of years I have gone over and over and over my infertility, researched endlessly and it completely took over my life. I just don’t know how much more I can take. Trying to get pregnant and the negatives every single month just mentally destroyed me. In the end I knew the tests would be negative anyway so I lost all hope. Not only that but I’m also still battling the emetophobia (which I’m aware sounds so ridiculous and minor to those who don’t have emetophobia). I feel like I’m completely letting my partner down but I just don’t know how much more I can take, I feel so selfish and pathetic. I’m putting my head completely in the sand and avoiding making a decision that felt so ‘simple’ earlier on this year.

does anybody else relate or been in a similar situation that could offer guidance please?

Hi there, it’s a very tedious and unpredictable journey so be easy on yourself.

You need to have an honest conversation with your partner; the two of you need to come to a decision jointly (even though the woman does 95% of the work) or there might be resentment in the future.

Not quite the same situation as you - I wanted it badly to complete my life (husband is content with just the two of us), I have had 6 collections and 3 transfers; my husband was quite happy to throw in the towel after our 3rd miscarriage. This was 6 months ago and I was still wanting and eager to carry on. I have 4 embryos left in the freezer and recently I find myself questioning if I want to proceed with the transfers.

If you haven’t had a cycle done, perhaps try and do 1? Then at least you know you have tried, and you may not feel the side effects (I had minimal, the bloatedness was the worst but it goes away quite quickly).

Feel better soon.

Hey @Dameronciaz , sorry you're in such a quandary abd no wonder after all you've been through. I can't speak exactly from your pov but I also found the ttc grind incredibly draining, monthly negatives, second guessing my lifestyle, making this change and that change, exercising or not exercising, the strain on intimacy with my husband, it was just horrendous.

We found out relatively early in the grand scheme of things that it was my husbands semen parameters that were too low to get pregnant naturally, so had to have ICSI or be child free. We went with ICSI, and despite the surreal feeling of being in that ivf clinic it felt so good to be actually doing something that wasn't a shot in the dark like naturally ttc is. We knew it wasn't guaranteed to work, my husbands condition meant that sperm they did get might be damaged and we may not get a good amount of healthy embryos, but we felt that we'd regret not trying this last method more than we'd regret doing it and closing the door ourselves on having a child, as the outcome was the same either way. If we tried ivf and it didn't work, then we tried our best and could live with that more easily that always wondering what if. But that's just us, you guys need to be on same page.

Turned out we had an amazing first round, got pregnant on first frozen transfer and now have a 15 month old son and 4 embryos frozen if we ever want to try for a sibling.

Emetophobia is a tough one and lots of pregnant women have it, I would say don't worry about that til you need to if you can. The saying don't borrow today, tomorrow's anxiety or something like that is so useful, especially if you embark down ivf.

All the best!

It’s a really personal and tough decision and I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time. Sounds like you need to have an honest discussion with your partner and a good think about what your life would look like with or without kids and which scenario you feel more comfortable with.

We had been TTC for 5 years before our daughter. During that time we had a spontaneous conception which we sadly had to terminate due to a heart defect in the foetus. Our daughter was conceived through IVF and I actually felt much better doing IVF than I ever was TTC as I knew I was actually doing something concrete about it but also that it was out of my hands and in the hands of the medical team. So psychologically I felt much better.

I haven’t experienced emetophobia, it must be really hard. It’s of course a possibility that you might be sick during pregnancy (I only had bad nausea, never vomited), but there are things you can do to help with that, eg acupuncture, and in extreme cases medication. However I would say just take it a day at a time. If you do decide to go ahead with IVF, focus on the egg collection, then the transfer, then the TWW etc. That’s the only way to go through it!

good luck, whichever way you go

Thank you all so much for your lovely and kind responses. I was so worried to post as I would hate for anyone to think I’m being selfish or pathetic for the way I am feeling.

I know I’ll regret not at least attempting ivf - I just find it so hard to cope with uncertainty (something I am rapidly realising is completely unrealistic) and I’m scared for my mental wellbeing should anymore knock backs happen (and they are obviously likely to). My solution to every potential failure has always been to not try in the first place so I can’t get hurt - a ridiculous ‘coping’ mechanism that has done me so much more harm in the long run than good as I forever live in a permanent state of fear.

thank you again all for sharing with me, I really appreciate how kind you have been x

You’re welcome @Dameronciaz it’s entirely understandable. I have some history of mental health so I can sympathise. Have you ever tried therapy specifically for your infertility? That helped me loads to cope with the uncertainty. It’s really hard because of course no one can guarantee that it’ll work, but there’s also the very real possibility that it could. I’m currently pregnant with our second child, also IVF with a frozen embryo. But to achieve this one we went through 2 other rounds (one MMC and 1 failed transfer). So even if there is failure there is also hope. I also found confiding in close friends throughout the process really helpful.