How to cope with best friend's pregnancy

[ConfusedKangaroo]

My partner and I have been trying to conceive for several years. He has been diagnosed with azoospermia (non-treatable) and in the time that it has taken him to come to terms with this and the idea of using donor sperm, my fertility has dropped and we are now looking at double donation. I haven't told people about this, but have told my best friend (over two years ago) and she knows how much I want to start a family. I saw her a few weeks ago and she told me that she is pregnant – and I am genuinely happy for her but I am also finding it so difficult and I don't know how to balance my emotions. She told me in person with her partner there and they were both so excited and I was also excited for them but I was also trying to cover my disappointment in my own situation and I don't know if that came through. She also made a comment about it "being difficult" because it took them four months to conceive... I just wish that she had let me know by text first so that I could process everything before seeing them. I came home and couldn't stop crying. We are struggling to find a sperm donor that feels right, and haven't been sent any matching egg donors yet. It just doesn't feel like having a family is ever going to happen for my partner and I, but it feels like everyone around me is pregnant or has just had a baby. I don't want to alienate myself from the friendship and I want to be a really good friend to her while she is going through pregnancy and they are starting their family but it's just so hard. How have others coped with this?

Hi, just wanted to drop in and say what you are feeling is so normal and I can completely relate having had years of ivf and infertility. Each and every pregnancy announcement is a mix of pleased for them vs ‘why not us’. I’d usually have a pretty good cry and scream in private after! When my brother’s partner got pregnant (they knew of our situation) he text me before in a very sensitive way and it made such a massive difference. They opened the door to allow me to not be too involved (I really didn’t want to go to a baby shower etc).

After that I told all my close friends to text not tell me in person for the exact reason you say - so you can process it. A close work colleague (who I forgot to ask to text) told me to my face about their second child, they’d have 2 in the period of time we still haven’t had 1. I felt exactly as you did after. I eventually got the courage to send them a message along the lines of “sorry if I reacted a bit odd when you told me about your pregnancy a few weeks ago. I had a bit of a mix of emotions, as you know about our situation, it was a mix of being pleased for you vs why not us yet again? Just figured it was best to be open and mention it. If nothing else, in case you know others in a similar situation that you will tell.”

They reacted really well to my message and thanked me for my suggestion. This also opened the door for me to be honest later when it came to things like baby showers etc.

Honestly just do what you need for you. True friends will understand that you need to protect your mental health.

@Zypig thank you for replying. I feel really lonely dealing with infertility and I really don't want to make myself feel more lonely by distancing myself from people.. but I don't think anyone can really understand just how devastating it is unless they have been through it. My partner doesn't really want to talk about it either (he's happy to move forward with double donation but it often very much feels like I'm doing this on my own...) It's all just so hard – as I'm sure you can understand. I really don't want to take any of the joy away from my friend's pregnancy or make things weird between us either, but it feels like I have to compromise my mental health in order to do that. I know that she is caught up in her own happiness and I know that to her and her partner 4 months felt like a long time, but it just felt quite insensitive to tell me that it was "difficult" as she knows my situation. I also know there is no easy answer to any of this..

It is so so hard and I totally agree, unless they’ve lived it I don’t think people really understand. It robs your whole identity and it is just overwhelming sometimes. I think people just think ‘it’ll happen sometime’ and they don’t understand the torture of the uncertainty and the fear of the loss of identity of being a mum. I haven’t gone down the donor route yet (still exhausting other options) but my counsellor, which has been worth paying for, is part of the donor conception network and they’ve mentioned that if I get to that stage that I could benefit from reaching out to that group. It might be something you could benefit from?

There’s no right answer with your friend, it is a balance about wanting to be supportive but also doing what’s right for you. I’d say put yourself first but be honest with your friend. For what it’s worth, I found my brother and his partner’s pregnancy difficult but now they have their little boy it’s been much easier, it was really the pregnancy phase I struggled the most with.

I completely understand, I cry (privately) every time someone announces their pregnancy. My best friend has had 3 health babies in the time we have been trying and its so hard, thankfully she has been considerate and has never told me in person but so many people do without thinking about it. Hang in there

Honestly I think your friend has behaved like a bit of a dick for saying 4 months trying was difficult. I wouldn’t go out of your way to support her as it sounds like she is not going to behave sensitively towards you.
She sounds like the type to send unsolicited scan pictures and pat her bump at every opportunity.
As you can possibly tell, I haven’t found the right way to deal with these situations! But hope that you do. Very best of luck with your treatment.

I really feel for you. During the time I had multiple miscarriages I worked with 4 women who were pregnant some of them even had the same due date as me. I struggled to cope. I couldn’t talk to them and I have to admit I avoided them a lot. I didn’t blame them or envy them it just made me feel so sad about my own situation. Eventually I had my son but even now I feel very unsettled about pregnancy announcements. The only way I could cope was to really concentrate on my own situation and what I could do about my own fertility. I planned nice meals and trips with my husband to try to keep my mind busy and having something to look forward to. In your situation I would have needed a bit of time away from that friendship to protect my own emotions.

It would have really annoyed me if my friend said 4 months was a long time when they know your situation. I can totally see why that is a just a bit much and has really upset you. I am still ruminating on thing that people said to me during that difficult time.

I really wish you all the best on your fertility journey x

Hi @ConfusedKangaroo , I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this, too! It's such a painful thing. I think your friend was very insensitive announcing it in person..and then saying that trying for 4 months was difficult. 😣I have this with some ppl in my life, too, they simply don't understand the pain we're experiencing. I've had to deal with a few pregnancy announcements recently and almost everyone wanted to do it in person, despite knowing of my fertility issues. Such a horrible feeling, trying to not cry while someone is expecting to celebrate with you, a text to warn me would've helped. I'm not sure what to suggest, but my experience is that when someone announces their pregnancy, after the initial shock I slowly get used to the feeling. You can always say to your friend sth like "You know that I'm happy for you, but I'm really struggling with my own fertility issues" - if she's a true friend, she'll understand and tries to be more sensitive. Big hugs to you! x

Hi everyone! Firstly @ConfusedKangaroo this is such a tough situation, but as others have said, you've just got to be honest with your friend, if she's a true friend she'll understand your need for distance and prioritising yourself. I hope your time comes soon!

So I had to drop into this chat as I need a space to vent with people who will actually understand! I strongly suspect one of my best friends is pregnant, she keeps dropping comments about how she's not been drinking for a couple months, I know they've been trying and I'm fully expecting the pregnancy bomb to be dropped in the next few weeks. It's not even confirmed and I am struggling.

My husband and I have been ttc for several years, have unexplained infertility and one failed ivf transfer. This friend is also desperate to be a mum, I know they've only been trying for a few months tops and I really want it to happen for them. I really want to be happy if it has. But I just don't know how. With other friends and family I've been able to distance myself from the situation, but this feels different. I'm jealous and it's really ugly how bitter I feel about how easy it is for some and how damn difficult it is for so many others. I've never once had a positive pregnancy test, and most days it feels like I never will, trying to stay positive feels impossible at times. My friends understand my struggle, but sometimes the sympathy feels choking, none of them have had fertility struggles so none of them really, properly understand.

Just reading through this chat has been helpful though🙏and a safe space to rant is certainly cathartic

@Painty04 I'm so sorry you're also going through this. I completely understand what you mean by the ugly feeling of bitterness – I really don't want to feel like that, but I am finding it so difficult not to. I feel like pregnancy should be a happy and joyful time and it seems like for all my friends and family it is, but for us it's just endless feelings of disappointment and medical testing, coming to terms with using donor eggs and sperm and then not even knowing if we will find donors that we feel comfortable using... It's also really taking a toll on my relationship and I just don't know if we can survive this. It's so difficult to see how pregnancy has brought my friend and her partner so close together and how happy they are. I just want to feel happiness for them, but all I feel is crushing disappointment with the situation my partner and I are in.

I think if your friends have never dealt with infertility it's impossible for them to understand how difficult it is and all the emotions involved. I certainly didn't have any understanding of how it takes over your life before having to deal with it.... I hope your friend understands enough to be sensitive in the way she tells you if she is pregnant. Sending lots of hugs your way

Hi everyone, I wanted to jump onto this thread from a different perspective. I've just gone through a cycle of IVF and so far it seems to have been successful. Currently 7.5 weeks pregnant with a positive viability scan earlier this week. My best friend recently learned that she is completely infertile; she also knows about my own infertility issues and that I was due to go through IVF (though I didn't disclose to her, or anyone, about when the cycle started).

I plan to tell her before I announce to everyone else, and it needs to be sooner rather than later, as to all my close friends, a pregnancy will be obvious the minute they clock I'm not drinking/avoiding social occasions where alcohol is a feature. I'm also the only person in our close group of mutual friends to have ever gotten pregnant - we are an entirely child free bunch currently.

I was under the impression that a face to face conversation would be better and more sensitive, but having read some posts on here, I'm now questioning this. For those of you on the receiving end of news of other people's pregnancy announcements, would you suggest a text would be better? Thanks in advance.

@xMrsxHx87x 100% a text in advance is so so much easier to deal with being on the receiving end. If gives time for your friend to collect her thoughts and decide how she wants to deal with it rather than having to force and fake a live reaction there and then. If your friend has just found out she is completely infertile her whole potential future as a mother in the way she originally imagined may have just be lost to her, which would be a huge amount to grieve and process. A text with permission not to reply if she doesn’t feel like it is best in my experience.

@xMrsxHx87x Firstly, congratulations!

Personally I would 100% prefer a text. It might seem impersonal, but I would much rather get a text that lets me deal with all my unpleasant knee jerk reaction emotions for a hot minute in private, process and deal with them, before allowing that happiness for my friend to genuinely take over when I see her.

In person, of course I would be happy for her, but there's no way I could hide my own crushing self pity and the lying that comes with it "of course I'm fine, of course I'm happy for you" doesn't feel so genuine when those around you can read you like a book and can see you're clearly not.

@ConfusedKangaroo Everything about fertility struggles is so damn hard! And the constant disappointment is draining! I was not prepared for the mental impact before I started down this road and I just hope you and your partner find a way to get through it together. Be kind to yourself and don't feel guilty for anything your feeling!

@xMrsxHx87x congratulations.
A text is best and I would not send ultrasound photos (unless requested, but most women I’ve connected with via support groups tend to agree).
Hoping your friend has support in place, give each other space if needed, this sounds like an emotional time for everyone.

@xMrsxHx87x i would have much preferred my friend let me know by text. As pp have said, it is really hard to process all the emotions in person. A text will give your friend the space she most likely needs if she has just recently found out about her infertility.

There’s no easy answer though. For me, part of what makes infertility so difficult is that it not only robs you of your own dreams of having a family (in the conventional way) but also makes relationships with friends and family hard. I used to speak to my sister and mum a lot and I now find it hard as they talk about my nephews a lot and it’s just a reminder of everything I feel I will never have; and I want nothing more than to be able to celebrate with my friend and be there for her during her pregnancy but instead find myself distancing to cope. It’s incredibly isolating.

I'm really not coping today, and I don't have anyone to talk to in real life so am just posting here for a handhold. My friend shared a scan picture yesterday and it's all just so hard. I can't deal with seeing / hearing these things but don't want to be cut off from it and my friend. I don't want to be pitied and have my friends walking on eggshells around me. I just want to have the normal life experiences that it seems everyone else around me gets to have so easily. I've spent all morning in tears.

@ConfusedKangaroo I’m so sorry, that is so hard, I’m not going to sit here and try to offer solutions, having been there I know that so often I just needed someone to understand. So just to say I GET IT, it’s a horrible, unfair and cruel situation which you don’t deserve. Please know you are not alone ❤️

@Zypig thank you so much for replying. Your message explains exactly how I feel... I know there is no solution, but I just need to not feel so alone. I know you mentioned earlier that you had been speaking with a therapist. Is it a dedicated infertility therapist? And if so how did you find them (if you don't mind me asking). I was speaking to someone through the NHS but that only goes for 12 weeks and they didn't have any knowledge around infertility struggles. I have also spoken to people at the DCN and had the implications counselling for donor conception but tbh didn't find either to be particularly helpful... I do think I need to speak to someone though

Hi @ConfusedKangaroo yes I found someone who had some expertise in infertility. I looked up options via www.psychotherapy.org.uk and www.bacp.co.uk to filter by infertility and location. I tried to find someone who didn’t seem to say they specialised in 20 things one of which happened to be infertility, rather someone whose profile had infertility as a main theme. Definitely helped to not have to over explain every step of the process! I can be pretty stubborn and closed 😅 so I made a deal with my family that I’d give it at least 5-10 sessions, I’m glad I made this deal as I’d have just walked after the first couple otherwise. I’ve now been seeing them for 2 years! Hope you find someone that fits for you.

Thank you to everyone who replied here. I’m revisiting because I need another hand hold. Last week I found out another very good friend and my sister in law are expecting. Which means my two closest friends and both my sisters in law are pregnant. I want so badly to be happy but I am really struggling. I feel so isolated, and powerless. We are on a waiting list for eggs at the moment (which could take 6+ months) and we can’t even decide on a sperm donor. My partner has said this weekend that he only wants to go ahead if we find a sperm donor that he feels comfortable with and I just don’t know if that is going to happen - it’s not exactly a comfortable process to be going through. I feel like every month I’m becoming more and more cut off from friends and family and I don’t really want to see or speak to anyone because everything is so hard. I’m struggling with work, I’m not sleeping, and I feel like infertility is destroying my life. I have tried to talk to my mum, but she doesn’t know what to say and so just doesn’t say anything, which makes me feel even more alone.

how do you get through this?

Hi,

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time at the moment. I can relate to so much of what you have said. My DP also has azoospermia and recently underwent an unsuccessful operation. We are also now looking into double donor IVF for some of the same reasons - my Amh was low to begin with and is even worse now. So firstly I just want to say that I completely get it and you are not alone.

A family member put a surprise baby scan photo on whatsapp last year and it's a gut punch. We are not even close so I can only imagine how hard it must be for you with so many friends and family close to you pregnant. All the feelings that it brings, good and bad, are completely normal. It's ok to feel sad for yourself as it is a crap situation. I think you should be kind to yourself as if you have suffered a bereavement as it is a type of grief. But as others have said, it does seem to be worse when being around pregnant women and not as bad when the baby is born. As I read somewhere, there isn't a limited number of babies in the world and just because they have one doesn't meant you won't have one.

I have been reminding myself recently that the donor route offers some advantages over own eggs/sperm. Waiting is awful but the time pressure of getting older/AMH decreasing is removed when using donor eggs. There is also a better chance of success as donor gametes will be younger and better quality. It must feel a bit surreal to choose donors, we aren't at that point yet but I realised the other day I met my DP online and picked him out to message over the other profiles. That all worked out well so why not build the whole family the same way! I don't mean to sound flippant but thinking of it from that angle made me realise it's not all that strange really.

You've asked for ways to deal with things so here's a few things that have helped me over the years which mostly involve identifying the smaller things that I'm not happy about and making changes around the things that I actually can control.

I was sad that I would miss out on family days out. My DP told me to invite my parents somewhere. I resisted this suggestion. I was sad. I didn't have energy to organise myself let alone others. DP told me there was nothing to organise, just invite them to the beach. I resisted a bit more but then did it. I invited my sibling as well and we of course had a really nice day and I'm glad I went.

I was was sad about missing out on 'fun kid stuff'. But then I realised I was putting barriers in my own way and I could still do a lot of those things anyway and still have a nice time. I made jam tarts for my DP. I went to a museum with my sibling. I bought myself a Lego set. A work friend invited me to panto and we went just the 2 of us feeling slightly ridiculous but had a laugh.

I was worried I was just spending years of my life stuck in limbo, waiting for appointments. So I set myself a challenge this year to experience a new thing each month. I did a bucket list thing last month and some smaller things throughout the year like getting a Wendy's burger for the for time. I keep a list in a notebook to remind myself that I have had good times in-between the infertility misery.

It's hard for others to know what to say to us as sometimes it's hard to even know what to say to ourselves. I'm sure your Mum feels for you even if she doesn't know how to help. Have you thought about meeting up, just the two of you?

Sorry this is turning into an essay. A few other things I have found very helpful that may be of interest:

The Male Infertility Podcast
His and Hers Guide to IVF
Alex Jones Fertility and Me TV series
Rhod Gilbert's Stand Up to Infertility documentary.
Jody Day's TED talks on YouTube.

I also have found audiobooks, doing puzzles and joining an online weekly art class a good way of occupying my mind on other things.

I hope you're doing ok x