Coping with pregnant BFF and SIL

[jugglingplates]

We’ve been TTC for over 2 years, midway through investigations. We had to take a short break from trying last year for me to have an unrelated surgery and used that time (and our savings) to freeze eggs. Close friends and family know what’s happening.

My BFF accidentally fell pregnant earlier this year. My brother and SIL (who I’m very close to and see regularly) have just told me they’re pregnant. I feel at the absolute brink. I was just about coping with my best friend. I don’t want to make it about me and of course I’m thrilled for them but I don’t know how I’m going to get through family events without crying.

This will be the first grandchild so parents are very excited. My brother and I always used to joke that I’d provide the first grandchild as he didn’t think he wanted them. I don’t want to ruin the excitement for my family but I feel so depressed.

Any tips on how to cope other than just avoiding family events?

When you’re living with infertility, coping with other pregnancies can be very difficult, especially those who are close to you. What makes this more difficult is that one of these pregnancies was unplanned. What I have found about infertility is that it does rob you of those things you thought you would have and when you thought you would have them. All of my siblings have gone on to have children, even those younger than me. It is possible my niece may even have a child before me and these things are difficult to process. Any grandchild would be special, it doesn’t matter if they are first, second or last. You have to focus on your own journey and how you can move forward one step at a time. Missing a few family events is OK if you think it’s the right thing to do. Also, if you think your brother, SIL and BFF are understanding just be honest with them and let them know there will be some times over the next few months you will find difficult. I’m sure they will be nothing but supportive. Infertility is a kind of grief and managing triggers can be hard when they are right in your face. Have you tried any counselling?

First of all, remind yourself that your feelings are valid. You’re probably feeling guilty right now that you have these feelings. Remind yourself it’s OK to have them.

You are allowed to be both happy for them and upset for you. Those feelings are allowed to happen together.

It is OK to miss out on baby showers or events that are too painful to go to. I couldn’t bare going to my BFF baby shower, or buying a baby gift. I explained to her why I couldn’t go, and I also text her on the day to have a wonderful day.

True friends and family that care about you will understand your feelings. You don’t have to go on and on and make yourself feel like the spotlight is on you. A quick message or phone call to say “sorry I need to tap out right now” is fine.

The first grandchild is exciting for grandparents, but I promise you every grandchild is exciting. I understand how the baby chat can get to you, it’s okay to put a brave face on and smile along, it’s also okay to say you can’t chat right now and go home.

One thing I will say, on the other side now with DC after multiple pregnancy loss, is that I do wish looking back I tried to put my feelings aside every so often in support of my friend / family member. Not saying I would have been able to the whole time, I don’t regret saying no to baby showers. But I wish I reached out more or maybe met up more often and asked about baby even if it was just for 5 mins.

Wishing you all the best x

@jugglingplates sorry to hear you're going through this. I had a spell very similar to this recently where everyone seemed to be pregnant except me. I found that I had to set my own boundaries and make myself priority. I checked in with them on my good days and didn't see them/get in touch on my bad days. It's so important to maintain the friendships and relationships you have but you also have to look after yourself...an important balance to strike. Thankfully I found things were better when they had their babies - it was much less triggering.
Hope you find your own balance. Remember plenty of self care. Speak to yourself like you would to your best friend xx

My sister had just had her third child (3 under 3, eeek!), my colleague is pregnant and my friend has just had a little one. It is tough. Luckily I'm very involved with my nephews and that somewhat helps. Not to say I didn't sob my heart out yesterday after meeting him on the way home as I so desperately want a child of my own. It's hard. Really hard. And very isolating

In a very similar position my best friend rang me last Sunday to tell me she had fallen pregnant (first month trying) my DH best friend has announced they are pregnant and now my next door neighbour just told me she is expecting twins.

I have just tried to focus on my own bubble. We have been pretty private about our struggles and IVF journey so I’m just keeping focussed on that. It is hard not to shed a tear or be upset though so allow yourself to have bad days.

Agree with the PPs, who seemed to put everything in to words so well! It is just such a hard time, I cannot recall how many pregnancy announcements I had to deal with during ttc, ivf rounds, and all that came with that. It is jut such a difficult journey. Just be kind to yourself and don't put yourself in situations that are going to be too upsetting, of course with family that's harder, I know there are times you will have to be around them. I too am on the other side of it now, so there are good outcomes at the end of all this. When you are in it it is so hard to see past the sadness. Just look after yourself as best you can and focus on your journey. Thinking of you.

I feel ya 😪 my bbf actually "accidently" fell pregnant with twins while I was ttc and just as I was starting my 1st round of ivf my other bbf and sil announced they were pregnant! It's been 3 years now of ttc many rounds of ivf and the sadness I have around this has stopped me from been close to my friends new babies especially my closest friend with her twins. Ttc totally takes over your life, you feel like your on hold! And it's hard to talk to your friends when there wishing they had some quite time away from there babies! So I don't have any words of wisdom only I totally understand it sucks

Hey, just wanted to say you’re not alone, as rubbish as this is. My sister is pregnant (first grandchild), my best friend is pregnant and I’ve just found out the only colleague who knows I’m doing IVF has fallen pregnant 6 weeks into TTC. I have learnt though that there is no way for anyone to tell me they are pregnant and me to feel alright about it - sometimes whatever they had done I would’ve been upset, but I’ve tried to step back from them all and give myself time to process it before I see them in person again, and when I do it has very much been on my terms. I have had a very hard time with my mum and my sister who just don’t get it at all. I wish I could make them understand things from my point of view but they can’t seem to and have told me I am being selfish to not ask about my sisters scans/attend family events etc but I have found it so hard to the point I’ve stopped discussing my situation with them anymore and just stepped away until I feel I have the mental capacity to deal with it.

There is some great advice in this thread and it’s so nice to know you’re not alone sometimes but I think it is always going to be shit, however someone tells you, however you deal with it and sometimes you have to focus on you and what you can control and let other people do whatever they want. If they are true friends/family, I think it will sort itself out in the end.