Partner doesn’t really want a baby with me 😢

[justineblack]

I feel so sad. I am on day two of IVF injections. I was due to start in May but my partner of 8 years said the prospect of having IVF was "weighing heavy on his mind" so we delayed it to give him time to think.

To give this some context, my partner has an 18 year old daughter from a previous relationship. She is lovely and we get on really well. She's going off to university in a month. When we first got together I checked that he would want another baby in the future (with me) and he said yes though granted he wasn't overly enthusiastic but several times I raised this with him to check that l would not be wasting my time. Three years ago we moved into a house which required a big renovation and he even said to my parents part way through the build "and this could potentially be a nursery" - so at times he has shown spontaneous enthusiasm.

After my partner had the wobble in May, he said I could go ahead with it but that basically he is doing it for me because he doesn't want to deprive me of the opportunity to have a child. I am 38 and I have low AMH and he is 42.
So l have finally started the treatment and he is so uninterested and unsupportive. If mention it he goes cold. I feel so disconnected from him. He said "no one understands the position he is in". I asked him if he could consider having therapy to work through his feelings but he said he'd sort it out himself.
I feel so alone and sad and I feel like there is no certainty about anything. I am scared that our relationship is dying because we don't want the same thing. We have no future plans because everything is on hold.

I feel sick with anxiety and don't know what to do other than try to get through each day at a time. He's not the easiest to talk to because he always gets defensive whenever I indicate that l'm feeling upset about something. Any words of advice or support would be really really appreciated 😔

I'm really, really sorry that you're in this situation. This process is difficult in so many different ways on its own - emotionally, physically, mentally. Dealing with something like this on top of that must be horrible.

One thing that stood out to me while reading your post is the fact that it seems that you're the only one genuinely trying in this situation. Trying to communicate, trying to suggest solutions that could be helpful, trying to work out the timeline working for both of you.

I'm sorry, but that's not how relationships should be like. Yes, of course - things aren't always perfect. But you should not be in position where you cannot communicate your own feelings and worries during such a difficult time without being afraid he's going to get defensive. You should have an opportunity to talk about your feelings and worries knowing that you're going to be listened to and actually heard.

I absolutely understand that we all go through different stages and emotions, we all react and behave differently, but being able to talk about things openly should be a given on both ends.

It's clear that there's an underlying issue that your partner isn't talking about - is he worried about something, is he realizing that he doesn't want to have any more children but feels guilty possibly taking it away from you? There are so many possibilities.

I'd honestly try to have an honest conversation with him one more time and try to tell him how you feel. If he gets defensive and doesn't seem interested in resolving anything - I'm sorry, but if I were in your position, I would really reconsider my relationship with him. I'd probably put the process on hold - maybe get my eggs retrieved and frozen for the time being, until I'd have some sort of idea of what's next.

You shouldn't feel lonely during this time, you shouldn't be left guessing and trying to come up with reasons. You deserve honesty and open communication.
And of course - you deserve to have a baby with someone who wants it just as much as you do, and who's going to be just as involved as you.

Just as a side note - my partner and I are currently going through our first round of IVF, so from the perspective of a partner who's not going through all the tests, shots, scans, etc. I can tell you that I simply can't imagine giving my partner a could shoulder or not supporting her in every way I can during this time.

I hope you two can talk about it and you can be heard. Take care x

Thank you Nicky x

We spoke this morning and he said he doesn’t enjoy anything any more, despite having a nice home, no debt, good job, good relationship…but he doesn’t think he’s depressed. He feels under a lot of pressure at work and says he feels he has a huge responsibility to staff whose jobs could be at risk (which I already knew). He said he feels like he’s on a downward spiral age wise and that soon he’s going to start losing his friends. I suggested that his negative thinking indicates he may be becoming depressed or at least quite low in mood.

He was tearful and I encouraged him to consider therapy via his work but he shut it down. He said he’s just going to “roll with the punches”. He said if the IVF doesn’t work then he’d like us to sell up and travel around the world. I asked him if he feels any different about me and he said no, and he said he doesn’t want me to do anything differently.

I saw your post after speaking with him and it did resonate with me because he didn’t once ask or show understanding about how I might be feeling. He didn’t show me any affection as he was lying in bed with his back to me. But if he’s depressed that I wouldn’t expect him to do those things.

It’s all a bit of a nightmare but at least he spoke about how he was feeling.

Thank you for your message, I really appreciate it x

Hi OP, sorry you’re in this situation. After your talk with him, did he indicate that he actively wants a baby? If not I would be seriously considering putting IVF on hold. It sounds like he isn’t in the best place at the moment, and a pregnancy, particularly if he doesn’t actually want a child, really isn’t going to help the situation. Has he taken any interest / active participation in your fertility journey so far? I think more conversation is needed - does he really want another child? How would he feel if you found out you were pregnant in 6 weeks? Is he just doing it because it’s what you want? I’d make it clear now is the time when you really need him to be honest about these things, so you can decide how you want to proceed.

Hi OP, I think you need to have a talk with yourself first. Your husband has had a go at being a parent, you haven't. Will you be ok to never have the chance at motherhood?

When I started on this journey, I also didn't get much support from my husband. I know he's content if it's just the 2 of us. I needed more. I am lucky because after 2 cycles/transfers, he became more involved and supportive (I have done 6 collections, 4 transfers - 2 early miscarriages). We have 4 embryos left and I'll be planning for an FET in Oct/Nov. I've decided if they don't work, then I'll call it a day.

It is not a gurantee with IVF that you will get pregnant or have a successful pregnancy. For me, I need to know that I have tried. Time is not on your side, you might feel resentment when your ship sails. Will you be ok with that?

Thank you 2mumlife and Mspeony for your words. To update, he came to the scan with me and after that he came to the egg collection. He has been quite a bit better, warmer when discussing it and affectionate on the day of the collection. He showed enthusiasm when I told him the results of the egg collection, and he’s told his family.

I think maybe now he’s more involved he’s a bit more into it? I mean I’m not sure it will be a consistent improvement and work stress does seem to impact his overall mindset depending on what’s going on on the day. But for now it’s looking more positive.

The embryo transfer is booked for tomorrow so we will see what pans out …..

Thank you again, having a place to come
to for support from people who understand is so reassuring.

@justineblack Great to hear he is being more supportive and involved. I think all partners (even those who are 100% on board) get sidelined a bit by clinics, who often only really see the person going through stims/egg collection as the 'patient', and it can make the whole process feel quite removed. I remember one time being in the car when the clinic phoned, so my partner answered, and they said it had to be me they talked to. Partners can often be very overlooked, which can be really difficult with them, nevermind if they already feel less invested.

Hope your egg collection went well and wishing you the best of luck with your embryo transfer

@justineblack

Hope today went well- rest up for a few days and do something nice to take your mind off things- easier said than done I know.

Congratulations on being PUPO and good luck c

Sending love @justineblack . My husband has gone from being apathetic pre ivf, to fully invested during ivf, to quite bitter after it was unsuccessful. He wants to be a dad sooo badly but is so scared about disappointment from his perspective and from mine. He's told me he doesn't even allow himself to tap into his feelings cause he'll fall into a dark hole. I know this might not be the same situation but on the outside, he'll have looked exactly like your husband...maybe there's more going on inside than you realise. Hope the transfer went well and you have a quick and easy two weeks xx

I am struggling with mine too! He broke his foot the morning after we started the IVF process and has been unable to help me physically, mentally or emotionally 😣

He had a hospital appointment yesterday during my ET so I've had to keep him involved from afar as he has his own pain to deal with 🙏

Oh no lil! That is bad timing. Is he at least trying to offer some sort of support, even if it’s a gesture? I’ve learned that the IVF cycle is a time when you really do need to be selfish. Hard when in your situation though. Was he being supportive prior to the foot breaking?

My OH is definitely getting better, over the last two days he expressed what appeared to be genuine enthusiasm over the prospect of it being successful. I’m expecting a bumpy road but hopefully he’s focusing more on the positive than the negative overall 🤞🏽🤞🏽

He has been disconnected even before the IVF process started, hasn't want to be involved as didn't want to end with disappointment 😣 the injury has just made things worse!

I have kept him informed at all stages but he seems passive rather than helping to work through it all 🙏

I'm just telling myself that it's the meds for his injury and pain that he is in, I'm not sure anyone else is going through IVF and having to look after their spouse at the same time 🤷🏻‍♀️ just my luck I guess...

Could you maybe try to subtly point out that now is a time for you both to be supporting each other? He needs to be positive re: the IVF. People do it for a reason…it often works!

Do your friends/family know that you’re doing it? I hope you’re getting support from them. Ideally someone in his circle would give him a nudge and point out that you need support at this time, even if he can’t give it practically he could give it emotionally.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this, I really do emphasise. When you get the results of your test, either way he will need to step up.

Hooe you are ok lil.

Update - yesterday was 8 days post transfer. I took an early test at home and it was positive. I am in shock. Not told OH yes but official test day is Monday so will do the official test with him then. Hopefully he will be positive too 😬🙏🏼

I'm sure he will be so pleased 🙃🥳 congratulations 🥳

Congratulations OP!
Will you have some time together Monday morning or will either of you be rushing out to work? Maybe you would do it at the weekend?

Congratulations I did an early test at 9 days and it was positive- just getting my toddler to sleep

Congratulations @PMAmostofthetime 🥳🥳🥳🥳

@PMAmostofthetime Congrats! Hope your partner gets on board from this point!

That’s a good point, I think I might do the test on Sunday morning instead of Monday. His daughter went off to uni today so I’m conscious that he may feel a bit sad, and I don’t want it to seem like “out with the old, in with the new”. But I think by Sunday he will be ok 🙏🏼 Did another test yesterday and still positive so so far so good eek!