Deciding to call it a day

[clhsgirl]

How did you make the decision to end treatment?

I am 36, TTC for 5 years, started IVF in August 2022. In that time I've had two complete cycles, two miscarriages and three failed implantations. I have been diagnosed with high NK cells and just recently, with a TH1 dominance for which my doctor wants to now treat with intralipids and humira.

I am tired and questioning whether I want to go on. I am tired of having to balance ivf with my work (primary teacher), tired of the effect it is having on my relationship with my husband, tired of having to use my in-laws retirement money (at their insistence and yes I know how lucky I am but it doesnt stop me feeling hideously guilty each time a transfer fails) to fund more and more expensive treatment, tired of hating my body for failing time after time.

We have one cycle left on our Access plan but I'm thinking of throwing in the towel now. I'm so tired.

I thought I would comment, I apologise not to help on how to make that decision, but to tell you I could have written a lot of your post myself sadly. I am so sorry you’re in this position. It’s a lonely place I find. Very similar to you, I have found myself thinking the same thing and hoping for some sort of epiphany (I hate making decisions, and this one is one that’s just so unfair) as right now I really feel like I don’t know what to do.

I am also 36, TTC for 4 years and our first round of IVF was in March 2022. Two completely failed NHS cycles with no embryos, we then did a 3 cycle private package which resulted in a MMC and then 2 failed implantations with 2 genetically tested and normal embryos. No embryos left which would mean another egg collection.

I also find myself questioning if it’s worth more heartache. But it’s such a huge decision. My main worry is my mental health. And the fear that one day I’m not going to be able to pick myself up. Also trying to hold down a full time job that’s going through changes. I am completely exhausted too, mentally and physically. I spend my life either on meds or gearing up to be on them, planning logistics (our clinic is 6 hours away), using holidays for appointments etc. It truly sometimes feels like another full time job.

My only advice which I am trying to follow myself is to take some time, do things you enjoy, put yourself first and don’t put any pressure on yourself to do anything you don’t want to or don’t feel ready to. I tend to shut myself away from most people after a failure, as I too hate myself and my failing body. It gives me a headache whenever I really try to think what next to do. Thinking of you xx

I'm also on this journey for a long time 5.5 years between infertility and recurrent miscarriages. I'm also seeing a Reproductive Immunologist for the MC's. Are you seeing a Reproductive Immunologist or is it a "kitchen sink protocol" made by the IVF specialist.

Once you see a Reproductive Immunologist and they diagnose you, give you the correct medicines you get a high % of success. My next try gives me a 75% success rate if I can get a good embryo, which I also struggle with.

You sound exhausted and I would advise you to take a break before taking a permanent decision to stop. Definitely use that last cycle you have already paid (after a break).

I was sad to read this post, and the ones that followed, and wanted to comment.

It’s been a difficult and long road for me too, first unsuccessful IUIs, then 3 full rounds of IVF, 5 embryo transfers for a success, and then another 4 for the second one.

I am grateful of course but it has definitely taken its toll, added to feeling powerless, insecure, unhappy, born to face difficulties and traumas and all kinds of thoughts. Relationship is far away from where it used to be when we started trying.

I will join in advising to take a break and take care of yourself, try to recharge and see the positive things in life again, and to believe in yourself ❤️