Navigating friendships during IVF/TTC

[Willard89]

Soooo sorry for the long post 😭

I didn’t really want to post this but it’s something that has been really annoying me and I really feel like I need honest advice. During this fertility journey I am a lot more emotionally sensitive however there is this situation which Id love some advice on.
I have always had a good relationship with my in-laws and in particular my sister in law. She was my bridesmaid and we have always been pretty close, meeting up for walks, hikes, coffee etc etc. She was the first person that actually knew we were TTC long before it became a problem, she knew maybe 3/4 months into our journey. During the 3 years of TTC we spoke countless times about it and how it affected me and she had directly asked me before how I’ve been coping etc.
I always felt she was someone I could go to. She’s had a few difficult relationships and after coming out of a toxic relationship a couple of years ago decided to take a years career break last October to go travelling. She left last October for a couple of months and returned over Christmas. I didn’t speak to her much on her travels as she was off grid a lot, we exchanged a few messages and caught up over Christmas. After Christmas she was due to leave again for 9 months of continuous travel and wouldn’t be home during this. Anyway, I was due to start another round of IVF in January and when I saw her over Christmas she had asked about it and made a comment that she would be thinking & praying for me over the next couple of weeks. My cycle failed and I was in a really bad place for a couple of months and had been off work. When I returned to work in March and was in a better place I sort of realised that I hadn’t heard from her but just brushed it off. I started another cycle in April (her mother knows everything and is really supportive of me so I imagined she updated her as they’re in daily contact). Recently I’ve just been feeling really hurt that she hasn’t reached out to me once since she left, I understand that she’s travelling and I want her to absolutely be living her best life but when you fully believe you have a genuine relationship with someone it feels like a kick in stomach when you feel they haven’t acknowledged that your living in complete hell. For a long time I blamed the time difference and that she’s just been genuinely caught up in a past paced lifestyle on the other side of the world, but I know she is in contact with her mother multiple times a day/week. I just want genuine advice if I’m being reasonable in being hurt that she has not at least sent one message to check in. I go back and forth all the time that I’m just super sensitive but at the same time if I knew my friend was struggling I would 100% reach out, especially if we had already discussed the same issue. I understand in some cases people are afraid to bring it up but we’ve spoke and text about this very thing a lot before. I’m aware I haven’t reached out to her either but for the first couple of months this year I was not in a good place and totally shut myself from off everyone, and by the time I sort of realised I hadn’t heard from her I was sort of already annoyed.
I just really want some honest advice because it’s driving me crazy. I’m the type of person who will never bring this up or create any sort of drama especially within my husband’s family, but I sort of want to move on from it and accept that I’ve a right to be annoyed or not 🥴

My first failed round of ivf I had an influx of support, daily messages / calls checking how I was etc

Second round, a little less sympathy and more of the ‘when will you try again’ remarks (like I can just keep going and going until it works)

Third round, I found people either avoided mentioning it or were actually so insensitive it caused me to cut them off

its like people think the more times you go through it the less support you need (even though we know it gets harder every time!) - maybe they get bored of offering support or the one way relationship that hard times causes… or maybe people are just fair weather friends who want to say ‘I was there to support you, your baby will love me forever cause I WAS THERE FOR THE WHOLE PROCESS’ then get bored when they realise they would need to offer support for what could be years and think F it, this person is no fun anymore, I can’t be bothered to have my energy drained by them 🤷🏼‍♀️

I also do not do drama and have never called anyone up on how they have treated me, but have spent a lot of time crying over hurtful comments or lack of support, and I now couldn’t name you a single family member or friend that I could genuinely say were a great support past round number 1. It’s sad, but for me it has been true.

My feeling is that people just don’t understand and so can’t relate or empathise honestly. I’ve felt disappointed a lot throughout this experience by family and friends and lack of support but I know they just don’t get it and let’s face it, it’s more fun to hang out with someone going through a happier time.
I keep beating myself up about it thinking I put too much into ttc and didn’t dedicate enough to friendships but at the same time it’s not like I asked for infertility struggles. I’ve no advice. I just think it’s super tough.

Glad it’s not just me- we had 2 failed Ivf and a mmc at the start of the year, whilst miscarrying, my sil announced her pregnancy, whilst I congratulated her I needed some time to get my head round it, happy for them, gutted for me type of thing. Fast forward a few weeks and we finally have ivf success, she has now cut me off as I didn’t support her for the first few weeks of her pregnancy and doesn’t have any empathy towards the fact that me, grieving and going through fertility issues was never gonna be able to be that person for her.
I think ppl who have never been through it will never ever understand the complete torture and uncertainty of it all.

I am actually so so so sorry to hear all of your messages and experiences. How god awful it is to be experiencing something like this and to not have your closest friends and family support you. I don’t have any sisters but I am significantly supported by my mum but as you mentioned @Friedslice I don’t think I could name a single friend who has been a genuine support to me through this. It doesn’t help that I am a closed off person anyway so throughout this time I have shut myself off from a lot of people. None of my friends actually know my timeline in real time but months would pass and I mean 4/5/6 months before anyone would even send a text to check in. I read of other women’s experiences who had genuine friendships that help them through these times and I’m sad but I guess that’s life. I feel modern day society is very self-absorbed and not a lot of people stick by people through thick or thin ☹️
I get so frustrated that people don’t understand the sheer torture this journey is, if someone is going through another type of illness or diagnosis it’s different, people offer there sympathies and it appears to be more up for discussion - infertility is not.