I know it's sound terrible if I say I can't feel happy for people who're getting pregnant, but sometimes it just feels so unfair... like if it's something that's sent by God to people who are worth it, or like somebody say that babies choose their parents from haven... why are some people who're not that good or not even able to take care of themselves get pregnant so easily...?
I know nothing I'm writing here now is rational... I'm just getting emotional and frustrated and venting... But is there anyone out there who may feel and think the same sometimes?
I'm 38.5 now and I've been undergoing IVF treatments for almost a year now. Last August I had my first implantation, got pregnant but miscarried at around 5 weeks.. I took a rest for a few months, then started over again since I had no more embryos left. I have very low AMH and I can only get 1 to 2 eggs on each retrieval. So I decided to have several more egg retrievals to collect more embryos before my next implantation. After 4 more egg retrievals, I finally have collected 6 D3 embryos - 4 are frozen now and 2 were just implanted (but it's not looking good since this Thursday would be the "result day" but urine tests still keep showing negative these few days).
Actually, after the last miscarriage, I accepted the fact that it's not going to be easy for me, and I'm prepared to fail. Not to mention I also just found out I have "immune system problem", meaning my immune system would attack my embryos, thinking that they're "alien" and harmful to my body. I have since started treatments (taking more pills and injections) to fix this problem before and after the implantation. But I know this problem is making my situation worse than what it already was - while I don't have many chances left due to the lack of eggs, my body itself is killing these very precious embryos that I have left.
I'm in a whatsapp group with other patients of my IVF clinic. It's like a support group where we share experience, ask and answer questions, help each other etc. I know many other women who're in similar or even worse situation than mine. I really respect their strength and determination, and I truly wish them success very soon. But there are always people who're so much less prepared, who have no idea what they're doing or signed up for, who keep asking stupid questions which they should have known the answers with a little bit research or if they've listened carefully to what the doctor/nurses said. And even when you're kind and patient enough to answer all their questions, they're never thankful. But they're always the one who succeeded after just the 1st try. And then they'll start whining about how uncomfortable and hard it's to be pregnant...
Recently, there was this woman who just started her first treatment, and she keeps updating her status after each step (actually no one needs to know, we're all doing the same thing... if you don't have a question to ask/valuable experience to share, you should just keep quiet!). She kept whining about the many medicines and injections that she had to take each day, and said that it's such a trouble to remember to take them on time. It's like she doesn't even know she can use the calendar and alarm clock on her phone to mark down and remind herself of important tasks (while I never need any reminder cos I cannot forget things that are so important to me... it could be my future baby!). She also whined about how difficult and painful it's to take the injections, and said that she couldn't do it by herself but blamed her husband for hurting her/making her bleed (I don't know... but I've taking all the jabs by myself since day one, and I never complained about the pain because I signed up for this myself, I knew it's gonna hurt. And people having immune problems have to take even more jabs which are much more painful than those ovulation stimulating jabs, and we never whine like her).
Then, she whined about the pain after retrieving 17 eggs, and said that she couldn't stop crying after the surgery. She said that she couldn't bear the pain of childbirth if just egg retrieval can be this painful. I wonder why she even tried to get pregnant by paying for expensive IVF in the first place if she cannot even bear just a little pain. And I don't know if she's really that stupid or she's just pretending, she said that she's upset because she retrieved "only" 17 eggs - when it's actually a quite impressive number. Then people had to tell her that she's actually doing very good, because many of us are only retrieving a few eggs each time. That's when she's happy and satisfied. And when she later got 14 D5 embryos with 4AA, 4AB gradings, she "whined" about it again and asked if those are bad gradings. How on earth can "A" and "B" be bad grades? She said she had look it up on the internet but couldn't understand what those gradings mean (any adult with basic IQ should be able to understand the simple grading definitions). Then, people had to tell her that she's doing very well with the best graded D5 embryos, good enough for her to give birth to a whole football team. Then, she's happy, while at the same time, there're other people having very few eggs and embryos with bad gradings; there're people who didn't succeed after implantation or even undergoing miscarriage. But there she is, kept humble-bragging her good results.
I knew for sure that she will succeed in just one go - and then there she is, showing photos of her positive pregnancy tests and HCG levels and asked if that means she's pregnant. I mean, do you really have to ask? I mean, if she's been acting like a normal person, I'd feel happy for her. But the problem is, she clearly isn't a normal person, and she isn't ready (both physically and mentally) to be a mum. She whined about every little thing, and she couldn't do the most simple task on her own. And the questions she asked... it's either she's extremely stupid or she's intentionally humble-bragging... But while she's in the group, she should know there're many people who have much harder journey and are still struggling, facing disappointments every day... Only if she has a little empathy, she could have tuned down a bit on her bragging, keep the good news and the ultrasound photos of her twins that she just shared today between she and her husband, rather than sharing them around on the group, having everyone congratulate her on her each and every winning stage/triumph, while some of us may be having a very bad time with failed attempts.
Over the past year, I've seen people around me getting pregnant, giving birth... some of them got pregnant by accident, some of them "bragged" about how they still went on trips or played water slide when they were 5-month pregnant. They didn't seem to treasure or know how lucky they're when they got pregnant so easily and didn't miscarry even when they did some dangerous acts during pregnancy. But for us, we could lose the baby even when we're super careful and alert and refrain ourselves from doing anything that may harm the baby, even if that means we lost many of the fun and freedom to do/eat/drink things that we want to.
If I didn't miscarry last time, I should have given birth to my first child by now. I tried not to look back and think about all the "ifs"... but recently when I saw my "new" neighbor carrying her newborn, I realised that she actually got pregnant around the same time I did, difference is she's now holding her baby while I'm still mourning the lost of mine and trying in vain.
I called her my "new" neighbor but she has moved here about a year ago, and since then I've been having quite a bad time. First, her husband and her are very impolite and inconsiderate. I greeted them the first few times I met them but they never greeted back. When they moved furniture to their new home, they let the workers make a mess in the corridors and lift lobby, covering the floors and our door carpets with dirt and dust, while they could at least give their neighbors a heads-up so that we could take our carpets always first. They also placed a piece of talismanic script (yellow piece of paper with red handwriting on it) on their door facing mine, which was a very inappropriate thing to do (though they had removed it after a few months), because it's kind of like while protecting their home with the taoist spell, they're reflecting/transferring the bad energies/spirits to mine. One time the husband knocked on my door to ask me some questions regarding water pipes, I opened up my door to talk to him knowing that he's my new neighbor. But the next day when I knocked on his door to give him the answer, he didn't open his door until after 2 to 3 min (they also like to keep postman and courier waiting for minutes while they're at home all the time), and when he did answer the door he only opened a crack like I was some kind of dangerous intruder... and he didn't even thank me after I gave him the answer. They also later on broke my water pipe when they were fixing theirs, and never apologized. They didn't put their trash into the shared rubbish bin on our floor, but instead just left them right next to the bin (perhaps they didn't want to touch the bin). They only started to put them inside the bin after I put up a written sign on the wall. Both of them somehow don't need to go to work, and for a while they spent a lot of time at home partying, singing karaoke... their guests didn't leave until 2am, always making lots of noises... I really hate them to my guts, but now what? They just welcomed their newborn now. Can selfish and inconsiderate and rude people like them be good parents? I doubt. But here they are, becoming mum and dad...
I'm been keeping my head up and staying positive for almost a year now, working very hard on my IVF journey without whining a bit. But sometimes I just feel so hopeless when God doesn't seem to spare a tiny bit of luck to me, or to all the other strong women who've endured so much loss and pain but still keep trying. All the luck just goes to people who don't seem to deserve it. Why?