Would you risk FET for one embryo

[dietagain24]

We are very lucky to have one child, it took many years of treatment, iui and ivf to get. She is my one and only pregnancy.
now is the time to decide whether or not we pay to continue storage of our one embryo, use it or let it perish.
To let it perish makes me so sad and even typing this makes me cry. It’s the start of a little baby, a little bit of hope.
I just feel that at this point with a 9 year old child and being in my early forties it’s time to give up that hope. Maybe this is how our life was meant to be.
the costs are around £3-4k and what if it doesn’t survive to be implanted? I think if it doesn’t take I can deal with that because at least we tried.
Does anyone have any experience of this?
Thanks

I don't have experience of deciding but I know how you feel, we have 4 embryos from our round frozen and have our son from the 2nd transfer, a FET. We don't want or can have 5 children so some will eventually perish and it breaks my heart thinking of that, and the fact that my son could have been one of those not selected. I'd give it one more go especially if you'd like another. And if it doesn't work you've at least tried, given it your best shot and that's easier to live with than what ifs.

It's something that I think isn't talked about enough starting the ivf journey, we're so keen to bet embryos the aftermath if having, and I hate this word, spares and what to do with them is just awful. I try not to think about it. Alot of people don't understand the way people who've been through ivf view their embryos, to alot of people they're just cells but we have seen how they become our babies and we've rooted for them in their 5 days in the clinics after fertilisation etc, it's such an emotional thing xx

Thanks @Imisscoffee2021 i think that it the what ifs. I also keep thinking this little embryo could be just like my dd who is absolutely fab and amazing. The thought of this little being not coming into the world makes me sad - they have all the potential there. The fact that it’s so much money in a time when money is tight and it might not take is a worry but I could accept that alongside every other million BFN I’ve had. I don’t know how I would feel if it didn’t survive the thaw and that scares me. Going through infertility is such a lonely and horrible time. Having a child doesn’t change that fact that choices are taken away from you. I don’t think I will ever not feel sad about what I wanted and what could have been. It is definitely easier to put it to the back of my mind though and focus on what I do have because for that I’m very grateful. I think it’s been easy to just always know this chance was there and now it’s time to make the decision it’s brought back some very old and tough emotions! Xx

@dietagain24 We're not at the stage yet of having to make a final decision, but we've already begun those conversations. My second egg collection we froze 3 embryos - 1 of those is my DD, and the 2nd is my current pregnancy. My partner and I feel fairly certain that our family will be complete with our second child, but we still have 1 embryo frozen. Our storage will next need paid for in September, so we will pay for storage then, but we are aware at some point we will need to make a decision about what to do with our final embryo. I very much feel like I couldn't just let the embryo perish, but that it would be wrong to put it back if we were not 100% committed to the possibility of another child. We've also both agreed we wouldn't do any more egg collections etc, so if we did decide to do treatment with the last embryo, it would just be that 1 cycle we tried.

I don't think there are easy answers - in 1 way I would say if you would want another child its worth giving it a shot even if it doesn't work, as least then you would know. But if money is tight for the fertility treatment, are you in the financial position to support another child if the embryo did take?

One question for me would be, if you did want another child, why haven't you transferred sooner? Is the fact you've left it this long a sign that somewhere you are happy with your family as it is?

Would you be willing to donate your embryo to another couple? This is a possibility that may exist for you (it doesn't for us as we used donor sperm).

I think you need a proper chat with your partner to make a joint decision x

Thanks @2mumlife that’s amazing that ur 2’d has resulted in a pregnancy congratulations! Yeah at least u have that option there should you decide to go back for a 3rd child. Although I’d have liked a big family 2 is ideal so they have a sibling, I definitely feel this is important.

Money isn’t tight, though is tighter, we do however still manage to save some each month. Financially we would be fine to have more children it’s the thought of essentially throwing £3-4k away on a dream that might not even make it to transfer. If they would guarantee transfer would happen I would 100% do it.

Unfortunately when we originally booked to go back for this embryo Covid hit. We were unable to proceed at that time. During Covid I became very unwell and was diagnosis with an autoimmune disease. I was hospitalised and on a very high dose of steroids. The last 2 years I have managed to become healthy again due to my medication and in the last 6months have finally got into a healthy weight range to be able to go back (I was overweight). Don't get me wrong I’m just happy to be a mum and if this is it then so be it. But I have desperately wanted more children and in the meantime we continued in the hope it would happen naturally.

The one thing we both 100% agree on is that we do not want another couple having our baby. This may sound harsh or horrible but I can’t bare to think of someone else having my child.

DH and I have spoke at length and still haven’t came to a decision 🙈 We are going to book an appointment to discuss with the team at the clinic. They have a number to call to book in to discuss further so we feel doing that would be best and then we can hopefully come to a decision.

Hi,

I'm sorry you're finding this decision so difficult, especially when money is a big part of the decision it can feel very unfair.

If you decide not to go ahead with a FET, could you ask the clinic to donate the embryo to research? We have donated all of our 'spare' products in advance (including excess sperm, abnormal eggs and any embryos that won't be suitable for transfer) and would probably donate any embryos left if we are fortunate enough to have two children first.

I feel comforted knowing that we are doing our bit to help future sufferers of infertility and immensely grateful to everyone who made these decisions in the past, that have allowed us to have the treatment we are having today.

Completely respect that you might not feel the same way about research donation as I do, and I would never judge anyone for making their own choice on this. I just wanted to share a perspective that might help you 🙂

Hi @IWouldRatherBeOnHoliday I think this is something we would consider once we come to a final decision. It doesn’t seem so wasteful that way.
I know I’m being irrational but when we first spoke about it I was saying what if when they went to research they knew it would have survived. It’s silly as I would never know this! I think I’m just very confused! Hopefully speaking to the clinic will help me get over that.
I hope everything works out well for you it’s a very difficult journey! X

@dietagain24 It sounds like you've had a really tough few years with your health, that must have been really difficult when you had been planning to do the transfer before covid.

I think if your main concern is just 'wasting' the money if the transfer doesn't lead to a pregnancy, it honestly is quite a small price to pay for peace of mind you will get from having tried regardless of the outcome, and not having the angst of letting an embryo perish. And if it works? I'd absolutely consider that money well spent if you got the child there is a yearning for. We've had to pay for ALL our treatment so we're a good 20k gone on fertility treatment. In an ideal world would I have liked that money to buy a nicer house etc? Absolutely! Do I regret spending that to achieve our family? Not at all. There is so much more to life than money. And the money is no more being wasted now than it would have been if you'd been able to have your transfer before covid. In the grand scheme of things, 3-4k is very unlikely to make a long term impact on your future happiness. A child would :)

@dietagain24 thank you for your kind words. There's nothing irrational about any of your thoughts, it is a huge weight on anyone undergoing IVF. People who conceive naturally have the benefit of being shielded from the knowledge and the decision-making - we have to 'play God' and it does cause huge emotional conflict.

Best wishes for your appointment, I hope it helps you find a way forward