Friendships and TTC...

[BussiBop23]

We've been ttc for 15 months now, with one miscarriage along the way. I've found the whole situation incredibly difficult and it's impacting my whole life.

One area I'm really struggling with is friendships. There's a group of girls I've been really close with for years, school friends and we all grew up together. There was a moment where I thought nothing could come in-between our friendship circle.

Fast forward to now and they are either all pregnant or have young babies and I'm struggling to even be around them. I'm trying - I go to events and meet ups and try to smile and join in baby/pregnancy conversations but I'm struggling to do it. Yesterday was a friends baby shower lunch (which also fell on the 1st day of my period so not pregnant again) and I felt like I sat there with a face like a slapped a* all afternoon. I just couldn't snap out of it.

Whenever I see them, I feel down/irritated and angry for ages after, making it so much harder for me to remain positive in this crap and unfair situation. Most of them are trying to be kind about it, except one girl who I feel couldn't give a , but that's another story. The fact they are trying to be nice and understand also makes me feel worse for just not wanting to see them.

I'm so torn between distancing myself and not seeing them for a while to give myself a break and support my mental health but also thinking...I'll be damned if I'm going to lose my lifelong friendships over this when I've already lost enough!

Can anyone else relate or am I being selfish and miserable?

I couldn’t read and run. It’s like I wrote this post. 2+ years TTC with one failed IVF, a chemical preg and currently in my TWW after an embryo transfer here.. and I am in the exact same position with friendships. It cuts me really really deep, so much so I’m having to have CBT to help me with my anger/jealousy/sadness with it all.

Myself and all of my friendship circles are all very open, so we all know about each others stuff. So, what makes it worse for me is that my husband and I have been together the longest, and started “trying” first. In our whole TTC journey so far, friend after friend has fallen pregnant and had babies.. and each one makes me feel worse. So, you aren’t alone. For me (and I’m not saying it’s the right thing to do), it’s got to the point where I’ve stopped socialising - I won’t attend gatherings while going through treatment. My one piece of advice is to tell your nearest and dearest - be totally honest and tell them you’re really struggling with seeing others succeed when you’re in this unknown pit. It’s damn right unfair and they will know it. Depending on what your next steps are, which I hope won’t be for very long, ask for the distance you need. They will 100% understand, and those who don’t, aren’t real friends. Look after yourself - if you can’t handle social events with babies, do not go. This is only temporary.. and you’re protecting yourself. Don’t feel guilty for it, don’t feel like you’re being selfish. Infertility is extremely traumatic and only those who have been through it know. Sending you all my love and faith on your journey x

P.S. I’m still an absolute mess.. so I can’t say I’m the best at advice right now. All we can do is keep riding the wave and look forward to our stronger and more resilient characters once we are out the other side. Think about how many people we might be able to help in the future. This is only temporary x

I agee with everything @GoldenRetriever1 says. In the exact same position. It’s supposed to be a normal feeling but it makes you feel like you’re not part of the group anymore. Totally get it and sending a huge hug xx

@GoldenRetriever1

Thank you so much for your really kind reply - it actually put a smile on my face! It helps knowing I'm not alone.

I love that you say this is only temporary, it can be difficult to remember that.

Can I ask if your finding CBT helpful? Therapy is something I've considered.

Sorry to hear you've had such a difficult experience too, wishing you lots of luck for the embryo transfer! X

@BussiBop23 When you’re in a group of really fertile people, the loneliness is huge. People can only sympathise, and not empathise.. and there’s nothing anyone can say that will make things better. I just sit there, seething in jealousy. It’s such an ugly emotion and these last two years have unleashed this absolute demon. But we must remember that we are swimming in grief, while others happily live out our dream (and by no fault of our own.. which is the worst bit). I sadly lost my Dad in 2016, and however devastating it was and I miss him a lot, this infertility and “missing out” period brings on an emotional pain like no other. Like I’ve been turned inside out.

The CBT has massively helped me, and I’m not usually a fan of person centred conversation a.k.a conventional therapy - my psychotherapist calls me out on a lot of irrational and negative thinking patterns. There’s a lot of tough love involved, about facing the demon, accepting its presence and living in the now. You know the voice that says “this isn’t going to happen for you” or “all your friends will have kids and you won’t”.. well CBT challenges that voice.

Unfortunately, I’m still a work in progress with this and pregnancy announcements really really affect me. I develop extreme feelings of hatred. But it’s mostly down to the unfairness of it. My health has always been a huge priority for me, and quite a few of my pregnant friends have health issues that you’d assume would affect fertility. So I’m always left shocked that I’m still left behind, despite being healthy on paper. Anyway, I could rant all day. I really really hope you find the help you need and come out the other side of this. Meditate every morning, too! 🧘🏼‍♀️

Oh, @BussiBop23 - another thing. If you have any friends that don’t want children, or not at that stage in life, I advise hanging out with them. Just so that you aren’t totally isolating yourself. If you don’t, maybe withdraw for a couple of months and focus on yourself - house projects, learn something, read 50 books, make yourself the best possible person (physically and mentally) you can be before your baby comes into your life. Like a life sabbatical/rehab for self repair and discovery.. and tell your friends this is what you’re doing! And delete Instagram x 🙏🏼 ☀️

@BussiBop23 I'm the same. I'm on this journey for almost 6 years of full on fertility treatments. Then, my best friend who was much older than when I started trying and got pregnant naturally in 2 months. How fair is that!

Anyway, for my mental health I had to step away. I wouldn't be able to hear/see about her pregnancy and subsequent child without it affecting my mental health. I'm much more in peace since I distance myself. If it's meant to be maybe one day when I finally have my baby we could be friends again, if she was ever a real friend, she will understand.

I even stopped social media because it was full of pregnant friends or relatives.

Don't torment yourself by attending baby showers or all those type of events, do what's best for you now.

I'm right there with you too. I feel like I have totally lost the outgoing, sociable side of myself and feel so sad about that. I just want to live in a wee bubble with my husband and my dog and not have the bother of anyone else. I feel surrounded by pregnant woman in my friendship circle, on my street and in work and just have to find ways to do 'enough' to come across as a decent person but ultimately to prioritise myself. Sending so much love to you all.
@GoldenRetriever1 I feel like you've missed your calling. Your words are so comforting, once you come out the other side of this, you should get a job supporting ladies like us ❤️