How to answer the ‘do you have kids’ question?

[Triselly]

This might be off topic as it’s not a medical question as such, more a social one relating to infertility.

I was wondering if any of you have an idea of how to answer this question from well-meaning strangers in a way that doesn’t imply that’s it’s by choice?

I work in a role where I have to speak to customers for extended periods of time, and quite often they will ask if I have children after they talk about theirs. Yesterday this happened and the customer, in a very well-intentioned way, replied (when I said no) with, ‘Ah but you have a cat though.’ I know I am just being over sensitive but I am not one of these people that thinks a cat is the same as a child and I do not want customers to think I am.

Any suggestions on how I can answer this question without being overly-personal by launching into ‘No, but I do have multiple failed rounds of IVF under my belt’? Maybe there just isn’t a good answer?

Hello,

I think you are right…sometimes there’s just not a right answer. However I do think part of the problem is the avoidance in talking about infertility…it’s such a taboo, and if you look at statistics, so many go through it, so I also think WE (people who suffer from it) need to be more open to educate and give others a reality check on the subject.

For example, I’m not hiding from anyone that deals with me on a daily basis at work (I work in special education) that I am going through fertility treatments. And even prior to starting treatment when asked about children I would say “I don’t know, I am old (37) my husband is old (45), there are health problems…don’t know if it will happen”. And people love to bring it up the special cases where it does happen, but I bring them back to our reality of “yes, it is wonderful when it happens, but for the majority of cases like mine, it’s not an easy thing….there are many factors”. And that’s end of story and no one bothers me about it anymore 🤪 if anything all are very kind and overly supportive when I’m on treatment.

I think with customers or people you only see randomly you just have to cut it to the chase and be more blunt, something along the lines of “oh, I (we) would love children…but wanting something does not mean being able to have it (pause…give the person a chance to register that info and what it means and then, if you are still trying for it)…so we shall see what the future has in store for myself” (us - you and your partner). That’s what I say to strangers/acquaintances that ask me the question at least. It’s a sensitive topic, we don’t need to go into personal details, but I also feel like it’s a normal part of society wondering about people’s business when it comes to relationships/marriage/children…and I don’t want to be hiding my situation as if I should be ashamed of it.

I am frustrated, upset, sad about my fertility condition but I am NOT ashamed of it…I didn’t ask for it, it’s just the cards I’ve been dealt with. So whilst I’m not writing in my forehead the word “INFERTILE” if asked, I’m not going to shy away from responding the truth.

Wishing you the very best on your journey @Triselly stay strong, we are all in this boat together ❤️

I always say "I'm/we're trying really hard" and sometimes I add the "it's getting really expensive (depending on who I speak to) and I usually get a chuckle and they either get it or not :)

It’s not a question that really bothered me. I just used to say ‘not yet, hopefully one day’. I think it’s just a natural question that you ask people you are trying to get to know etc

I always answer with 'soon, hopefully' or something like that. I ten to keep the reply short and sweet.

@ViVRe @ACR7 @amkw @blahblahetc

Thank you so much for your ideas! These are completely perfect and I will be memorising all of them for future use! I like that some are short, sweet and vague and some are funny and some are a bit more open and in depth.

I think my brain might have just melted away recently, I was really struggling to come up with anything other than bursting into tears at them (has unfortunately happened 😅)

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and very best of luck to all of us wherever we are on this on this rollercoaster xxx

P.s. @ViVRe me and my husband are exactly the same ages as you and yours ❤️