When your best friend falls pregnant...

[sadsister23]

...how do you cope?

I woke up to a whatsapp message from my best friend of 26 years telling me that she is pregnant. I am so lucky that she is so understanding - she knows of my struggles and thought texting would be better than telling me face to face and she is right - I would have burst into tears in front of her otherwise.

I am currently grieving the fact that I may not be able to have children myself and now I am grieving our friendship. Most of my friends now have children and, understandably they have less time and prefer to socialise with other mums.

I feel like such an outsider and no one understands. I am happy for my best friend of course, but I also feel jealous, angry, sad, bitter and resentful. I have been crying all day. I feel so selfish to feel like this but I also wonder what my future will be now all my friends are having kids and I am left out. I can't even be the fun auntie to my best friend's child as she already has a sister to take that role. I want to stay in her life but at the same time it will be so painful. Also it's so awkward with my friends who already have kids - they are reluctant to leave their babies with me for a second, I assume because I am 'different' and in their eyes have no idea how to care for a child.

I'm really questioning what the point in my life is. Family is so important to me but if I can't have one of my own then what's the point? I feel like such a burden to my partner. I feel like he would be better off going to find a fun, fertile girlfriend rather than being stuck with me - infertile and distressed at the sight of babies/news of pregnancies.

My partner's close friend has cancer and I need to be there for him but the whole fertility thing, and my best friend's pregnancy, really stops me from being able to do this. I feel terrible for his friend - if I could give him my life/health I would. He actually wants to live whereas I don't know if I do anymore. I wouldn't do anything to end my life but I also wouldn't mind if I died in my sleep tonight or got run over tomorrow. At least then I wouldn't have to face a life without a family of my own, feeling the pain of seeing others with their families, being excluded from friendships etc because I don't have the same life as them.

Sorry for the negative post but no one IRL understands and I needed somewhere to get this off my chest.

@sadsister23 sorry op that you feeling this way , can I ask what’s your infertility issue and how old you are ?
I don’t know what much to say because I’m in exact boat as you and I know exactly what these feeling mean ! I feel exactly the same , what’s the point if I can’t have a family , feeling so left out and behind , while everyone else manages to pop out babies everywhere . I feel like I’m stuck behind a glass and I can’t move while everyone else is moving on with their life ! :(

@Ilovebees I am so sorry to hear that you are in the same position - it is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. I am 34 and I have hypothalamic amenorrhea so I don't ovulate. This is taking such a toll on me - my partner is so supportive and patient but even he is at his wits' end now. I just don't know how to be happy again and I miss the old me.

So sorry to hear about both your struggles and I absolutely get how you feel.
We tried for over 7 years for a baby starting at 33 but finally managed to have our beautiful baby boy at 40.
The struggle was long and brutal and there was many tears shed along the way. Some days I also felt like is life worth living without the one thing I wanted to complete it.
Please don’t give up hope as miracles really do happen.
Good luck to you both 😘

@sadsister23 I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. Your current feelings though suggest that infertility is taking a strong toll on your mental health at the moment. Are you receiving any support for your mental health? It might be worth considering some counselling to help you work through your feelings, as whilst you say you wont not actively end your life, you have said you don't want to live OP and that is something you should not ignore. Please do reach out for some support for your mental health, you are important and of value just the way you are.

@2mumlife thank you so much for your kind reply. I'm not really sure where I would find mental health support for this? It is so specific and not like general anxiety/depression. I also kind of feel a little beyond help at this point.

@SH998 I'm so happy to hear that you finally got your baby. Those 7 years when you were trying must have been absolute hell. Thank you for your empathy and understanding - no one around me gets it.

@sadsister23 Fertility clinics normally offer some counselling. You could try your GP though as you say no guarantee of being referred to a counsellor with specific skills in this area. You could look at going private - you can find a counsellor registered with the British professional infertility counselling association by searching here: https://www.bica.net/

@sadsister23 i 100% get it, unless you’ve been there yourself no one else will ever understand, they can say they do but they never will.
Have you had any sort of investigations into this, we conceived our baby boy through IVF is this an option you could look into? Speak to your GP and see if there is anything they can recommend. X

@2mumlife thank you. I am a little sceptical of counselling as I've had it before and it was really just a place where someone was paid to tell me that my feelings were valid. It kind of caused me to dwell more but I should probably give it a try. Ideally I would access something that gives me some kind of hope and purpose because these things are significantly lacking in my life right now.

@SH998 my GP has been supremely unhelpful so far but I will go back to him. My partner doesn't feel that I'm in the right mental state for IVF at the moment but of course the only thing that would change that would be if IVF was successful.

My fertility issues were caused by anorexia and remain even though I am a healthy bmi, eat well and no longer exercise. When I was recovering I was always told that no one regrets embarking on recovery but I really do. When I was sick I didn't want a family and I was numb to emotions. It wish I had stayed that way.

@sadsister23 I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately, I've been through years of infertility, started IVF, after 2.5 years of fertility treatments I finally found a clinic that got me pregnant only to get Recurrent Pregnancy Loss. It takes me long time to get pregnant even with IVF then to have MC.

I only have a few friends but my best friend, who started trying over 40 (much later than when I started trying) got pregnant in 2 months. For my own mental health I had to step back from the friendship. I wouldn't be able to talk about her pregnancy/baby, without it being a trigger for me or feeling more sorry for myself. I'm more in peace this way.

Also, it's hard to meet new people because most are either pregnant or have young babies.

Perhaps once I can finally have my baby, we can restart the friendship.

Now, you're very young, don't lose hope. You still have years of good fertility. If you can, start looking into private specialists. There are many treatments out there, you don't have to jump to IVF. You can make a plan, as in see a Fertility Specialist, start pills for ovulation, if it doesn't work try IVF, if it doesn't work DE, etc.

After going to countless clinics and specialists we have found the root cause of my problems and will get the correct treatment next time. My DH and I made those plans, changed clinics, etc, joined multiple fertility blogs, researched, all of that has helped me keep my sanity in all these crazy circumstances. I haven't needed counselling, because same, what can they tell me but to accept? I see it as pointless but I do listen to a lot of positive thinking/ Christian podcasts that have helped me overcome the darkest moments.

@Olivie12 I am so sorry to hear of your struggles, it is unbelievably difficult. I can't begin to imagine how heartbreaking it must have been to have fallen pregnant only to suffer miscarriages.

How did it go when you stepped back from your best friend? I would feel like a bad friend if I did that but I also don't know how else to cope. I'm sad that my own inability to get pregnant and deal with this will mean the end of our friendship. I'd like to meet new people but, as you say, most people are pregnant or have children already.

I'm glad to hear your faith has kept you strong during your difficult times. I really wish you all the best with your next round of treatment

@sadsister23 i understand the mental health side of it, IVF takes a lot out of you should it fail so you need to be 100% mentally ready but I also understand you might not possibly feel this way until you have your child. It is a catch 22 situation.
IVF waiting lists are long, it took us about 2 years, maybe speak to your GP and see if you can get onto the list. Hopefully when the time comes you will be in a better frame of mind.
There are also other alternatives to IVF, I was prescribed pills to help ovulation so maybe something like this will suit you better.
Try to find a friend or family member to discuss your feelings with, bottling it all up will not help you move forward.

@SH998 thank you, it's hard to know who to talk to. I tried speaking to my mum but she's on holiday at the moment and said she couldn't talk. I am really hurt that she is not there for me at a time when I need her desperately. It's difficult with friends as they are all living their happy lives and I don't want to be the negative one all the time. On the occasions when I have tried to speak to them, it's clear that it makes them uncomfortable and they don't know what to say - I suppose I wouldn't either if I was in their position.

@sadsister23 unfortunately I had to stop talking /meeting with her to cope with my mental health. I did it too rough though, so I'm unsure if the friendship will have a future once I have a baby but don't regret it. I can't really be friends or close to a pregnant woman, it is a big trigger for me at this point. Maybe not at the begin of the fertility journey but after so many years TTC and MC's it is.

Anyway, I believe that if she was ever a true friend will have enough empathy to understand my position once I'm ready. I just stopped answering her calls, would text her "I'm busy" and so (in a polite way) and I think she understood and stopped trying. I also stopped all contact from Social Media, which I do to any "friend" that is pregnant, I do not block them just "unfollow" so you don't see them posting those pregnancy pictures and so.

I understand that I may lose the friendship but my mental health is more important. I would get depressed if we were still best friends. I do have another best friend (but lives overseas) who unfortunately also suffered from infertility, recurrent miscarriages and many other issues. I believe that she's the only person who can understand me. At this point she already accepted she's not going to have her own child and is thinking if going for adoption. She's the only one who can truly know what I'm going through and it's been a big help to be able to talk about my feelings with someone.

Do your own research, in my experience doctors don't always offer you all the options available. It is disappointing sometimes that you find more information online than with your specialist.

Have you tried letrozole? That's a pill for ovulation. Also Ovasitol is good to restore ovulation. I took it for PCOS, but website says that can also help non PCOS women

@Olivie12 I think you are right that I may have to cut my best friend off for now. I'm pretty devastated by that though - I thought we'd be friends forever, we've been through so much together and I really value our friendship. I don't have many other friends these days as people have moved away and settled down.

I'm sorry that your other best friend is also struggling but it's lovely that you can support each other.

The doctors are often useless - so much is not understood about women's health and I have been to appointments where I have known more than the doctors thanks to online research. I have been misdiagnosed with PCOS (cost me £400!) and nhs doctors have been very dismissive. I had an appointment last week where I asked for letrozole and I took along evidence from a study where women with hypothalamic amenorrhea were able to regain their cycles after an extended protocol but he said he would not prescribe it because he didn't know enough about it. And he was a specialist!!! I've already spent so much money on fruitless medical appointments. Each time I go to one I have renewed hope that just ends up getting crushed and leaves my mental health in a worse place than before.

I still plan on trying to get letrozole by hook or by crook. There is a website that sells it which may be my only option although I would obviously prefer to do it under medical supervision. I haven't heard of ovasital before, I will look into it - thank you for your understanding and your support, I can't tell you how comforting it has been to me today.

@sadsister23 any specialist (gynecologist , Fertility Specialist) should be able to prescribe Letrozole, that's like the beginning of fertility treatments. Who knows? This can hopefully be your solution, I also got prescribed NAC, CQ10 and Alpha acid to improve egg quality.

The thing with your husband about leaving him so he's happy with someone else Is common, I also thought about it (but never told him ) but we're still together and Still trying different doctors, alternatives to get our family. He is as invested in this as I am.

Make a plan of what you could try, or after X months change the doctor.

If you ever need a chat you can DM me.

@sadsister23 any specialist should be able to prescribe Letrozole or Clomid, I was privately prescribed both with very little investigations taking place. Lack of ovulation wasnt my issue which the clinic knew, however, they still went ahead and prescribed these so it’s worth pushing for.
It was only when I went via the NHS full investigations were carried out.
Keep on at your GP for referrals if that’s what you need, mine was extremely good and referred me immediately but I know some doctors are wary of this and you do have to keep on at them.
I was extremely lucky as I had good friends and family who supported me, they were unable to say a lot as none had been in my position so didn’t fully understand my heartache but they listened and were a shoulder to cry on time and time again which was a huge help.
If your unable to talk to anyone then these forums are great, people who have experienced exactly what your going through will understand and support as much as they can, I know it’s not as good as a real life cuddle but they helped me in some of my darkest times x

@Olivie12 the reproductive endocrinologist has said he will refer me to UCLH to get me letrozole but that was two weeks ago and I've heard nothing. These things take so long and all the while the clock is ticking. It's so difficult. I'm really glad to hear your husband is so supportive. My partner tells me that he will still love me even if we can't have kids which is nice but also not really what I want to hear. I don't want to entertain the idea of not having a child, you know? I really appreciate you sharing your experience and speaking to me. You have kept me sane these last two days as I come to terms with the fact that I am probably going to have to lose a friend that is very dear to me.

@SH998 thank you for your advice, I will keep on at the doctors. I can't really talk to anyone IRL as no one understands it and the friends I do have, other than my best friend who I obviously can't talk to about this, are more for fun than deep chats. I am so grateful for this forum and for the support I have received. It truly is invaluable.

Hi @sadsister23

I'm really sorry to hear you are struggling so much. A lot of what you have said resonates with me; although I am not too bad about friends being pregnant at the moment, I am terrified that at some point it is all going to feel too much.

One thing I would say that has helped me cope with the stress of infertility is having plans. I really struggle with not being in control and the delays and poor medical advice really contribute to that.

We had a failed IVF cycle at the start of this year and because we had to switch from NHS to private, it has taken months to get ready for another IVF cycle (hopefully next month it will happen).

In the meantime, I bought and read a book called It Starts With The Egg and DH and I have been following a lot of the advice in there re diet changes, supplements etc. We've also ensured that we plan a decent walk every weekend and we've been working our way through some decorating/DIY jobs. I know none of this really takes the pain away, but feeling like we are using the time to improve our fertility and get some other things ticked off the to do list has helped pass the time for us.

I'd also recommend giving counselling another go. I found it very helpful to explore why I was so desperate to be a mother, and also to talk through my feelings about adoption if it came to that. I had some strong reservations about adoption, but I can now see it as a potential viable avenue for us to explore if necessary and that has really helped to quieten the "what if you never get pregnant?" fear that was constantly screaming in the back of my brain.

Huge hugs though, infertility is awful and you're definitely not alone in your struggles with it 🩷

@IWouldRatherBeOnHoliday I am sorry you are going through the same thing. How do you cope when friends get pregnant? I am being a terrible friend and partner at the moment. My partner thinks I am depressed even though I do my best to put on a brave face. He is very supportive but this must be taking a toll on him too. Lots of people have suggested I distance myself from my best friend who is pregnant and said that if she is a true friend she will understand but surely if I was a true friend to her I'd suck it up and just be happy for her? I feel like such a horrible person.

@IWouldRatherBeOnHoliday sending you lots of love and luck for your next IVF cycle <3