Depressed about infertility - anyone else struggling?

[IVFveteran]

Me and my DH have been going through infertility issues for 4 years now. I've never been pregnant and I'm now in my mid-30's. We've done lots of IVF etc.

I'm just becoming so depressed and it's really starting to impact me. I'm in therapy and on antidepressants but I still feel totally incapacitated and overwhelmed on some days at the thought that I might never be a mum.

I share a work space with a friend who now has a baby (conceived easily last year on their first try, and now about 4 months old). We're freelancers and she often brings him in which is fine, but it's so triggering for me - I'm just going about my day and then suddenly I have a baby right there next to me.

It's so hard. Yesterday I had to leave at lunchtime because I wasn't coping.

I suppose I'm just looking to share these feelings, anyone else struggling?

Anyone?

So sorry to read this. I don’t really have anything helpful to say but just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone and how you are feeling is totally understandable. Infertility is hard at any stage but at least at the beginning of the journey you have hope. Once you’ve got a few failures under your belt it chips away at you. On a practical level, I just go into self preservation mode. When people talk about their babies at work, I leave the room if it goes on a bit. I only see my friends’ babies when I feel up to it. I know I can’t do that forever, but it helps me get through the day right now and if it means I lose friends over it, then I’m ok with that. It might be acceptable in your setting but in my view taking a baby into a place of work is unprofessional and unnecessary. Can you speak to your friend/colleague or someone else at work, even if you frame it as it not being appropriate because it disrupts the working environment. I hope you have a supportive partner and you can get through this together.

Thanks for the reply @Sunshinebytheseaside It is absolutely chipping away and these past few days I am just not really functioning. Thanks for the reassurance. I have been avoiding people with babies mostly where I can, although we now have a baby niece as well so it's not been as easy lately :(

The workplace thing is complicated - as freelance creatives we are there of our own volition doing our own thing, so it's our own rules really, there's no 'manager' to report to.

She's my friend and I know she'll stop coming in if she can't bring the baby - I don't want to say that to her, because really my emotions are my own problem. The baby is no trouble at all and hardly even cries.

Hi,
I’m sorry to hear you aren’t coping, I think understand perhaps some of what you are experiencing, my workplace feels like a mine field sometimes.

I became severely depressed after our 4 AA embryos from first IVF cycle were found to be aneuploid. In our second cycle something went wrong and only one untested embryo was frozen. I have been depressed for almost a year, most severely over dec-feb when I was feeling suicidal and had to take sick leave from work. I was on antidepressants the whole time which seemed not to be working. My anxiety was out of control. My finances are ruined, I can’t afford any further ivfs.
I was seen by mental health crisis team and prescribed a new antidepressant, this stopped me crying every day but I am still depressed. I found low cost psychotherapy which helps but I’m sure this is a long road and I’m unsure I will ever feel whole again.
I found some helpful Instagram communities, though their posts can be triggering as they are so relatable. It’s sometimes helpful to know that 1 in 5 women are experiencing this hidden form of grief. Grief for what could have been. Also existing in a very in between space, unable to move on with everything being so unknown.
I listen to podcasts about infertility and grief when I can manage and here’s some other places I found helpful:
instagram accounts:
missconceptioncoach
worldchildlessweek
childlesscollective
letstalkinfertility
web:
https://resolve.org/
https://childlessnotbychoice.net/
https://gateway-women.com/

Take good care and be kind to yourself. This is a really hard place.

@Frangipani23 I'm so sorry to hear of your journey and that you have felt depressed and suicidal. I understand what you mean about not feeling whole. It feels like that for me, too.

Thank you so much for those links. They look really helpful. I hope you are ok xx

Hi, I hope you don't mind me adding to this. I really appreciate those links and this thread as I've been having a really difficult time lately. We've been struggling with infertility for nearly four years and recently did IVF.

We managed to freeze five embryos but soon afterwards I was identified as having a suspected gynae cancer and had to have a hysterectomy. I should be grateful I'm not dying but I'm not dealing with it well at all - the grief is enormous. It's not absolutely over for us forever, in theory, because of those frozen embryos, but it's over for me personally - I'll never carry my own baby. If we ever manage it it will be because another woman carried them. I feel heartbroken.

Anyway, I'm sorry, don't want to hijack the thread as I have nothing useful to add, but I wanted to say thank you for starting it and thank you for the links. I've been too sad to seek out resources but these will be helpful.

@Tiredkittens im so sorry to hear what youve been through, that sound incredible painful and you probably don’t feel it but you must be so strong to survive that. You certainly aren’t hijacking anything in my opinion. I’m just glad there’s somewhere to share these difficult experiences and feel a little less like I’m struggling alone.
it’s just one day at a time for now.

@Tiredkittens I'm so sorry for what you're going through, take care of yourself ❤️.

@IVFveteran unfortunately I know how you're feeling. Ive struggled with infertility for years, even with fertility treatments. After years of IVF, I finally found a clinic that got me pregnant only to then have recurrent miscarriages, 3 by now, a total nightmare.

The way I've coped is stepping back from every pregnant woman or women with young babies, it's just a big trigger for me and severely affects my mental health. This has meant losing friendships. At some point I had many "friends" on Social Media pregnant, so I just stopped using it. Now my circle is smaller but I'm more in peace.

Are you able to change the office you work from? I've seen that women with children just can't understand how babies affect women with infertility and are often insensitive.

If you've had multiple IVF cycles and haven't fallen pregnant or have MC's, you would benefit from seeing a Reproductive Immunologist. I just started to see one last year, and finally found a diagnosis and a reason for the miscarriages (normal chromosomally babies). They can also treat Repeated Implantation Failure like in your case, they have very specific blood tests and sometimes is your body attacking the embryo or not letting it implant.

I've had 4 different IVF clinics by now, many fertility specialist don't believe in immunology but also don't give you a solution. So, I've had to do lots of self research, doctors don't always give you all the options (even private doctors). There's a FB group about Reproductive immunology and you can get lots of information there.