Conceiving number 2

[BritInNZ]

Hey all

Wasn't sure of the best place to post this, hopefully someone here is in a similar position.

We had a hard time conceiving my son, about 18 months and letrozole. It was all very emotionally tough for me, but obviously very grateful we got there in the end.

I have had a tough time adjusting to motherhood. I love my son to bits, but we only have 1 family member and no close friends where we live, so I think the lack of support emphasises how hard it all can be.

Anyway, lots of people with children my son's age (13 months) are now thinking about number 2. I know I want a sibling for my son but just wondering how others feel about it after having difficulties the first time around?

I'm really torn. I have immense fear about both paths - the thought of a newborn again and the horrible TTC journey terrifies me, but I'm equally terrified I will wait until 'the right time' (which may never come) and it won't happen again for a long time and I will miss the boat.

Any thoughts from people? 😊 p.s. TTC was hard enough when we DTD lots, let alone when sleep deprived toddler parents who would rather get extra sleep hahaha

@BritInNZ Hey :) We had a long journey TTC #1 (4 failed medicated IUIs, 2 egg collections, 1 fresh transfer and 2 frozen transfers). We always said if we managed to conceive once, we'd want to have a sibling. Partly for us as we both didn't like the idea of an only child, and also as our DD is sperm-donor conceived we felt it might be good for her to have a sibling to share the donor-conceived experience with.

We only had 2 embryos frozen after TTC DD and I was very reluctant to have to go through the process of egg collections etc again. DP and I differed a bit in what we thought about timing - DP wanted to try again when DD turned 1, and I wanted a bit more time. DP is a little older than me and didn't want to be having a newborn in her 40's, and also didn't want to have kids with a larger age gap. She also felt it was better to just get all that newborn stage over and done with, rather than waiting until #1 was older and then having to go back and start again with the sleepless nights etc all over again. I also am still breastfeeding DD. My period returned when DD was 14 months (I was keen to wait until my period returned as an indication my body was 'ready' again for another pregnancy). We did a FET when DD was around 16 months, and it stuck first time 😁and I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant.

So, just because it took a long time to conceive #1 doesn't necessarily mean that's going to be your experience TTC #2!

I would say I found the first trimester illness / tiredness AWFUL this time around - its really, really hard doing that first bit of pregnancy with a toddler in tow, as you're exhausted before you even begin, and it was hard explaining to my toddler that mummy needed to go be sick. DP just had to step up a lot.

There are times I wonder how on earth we're going to manage with a newborn and toddler (who is still BFing and co-sleeping and waking lots at night) but I've just embraced that the first year is going to be really challenging. That newborn stage feels like its going on forever at the time, but now my DD's that little bit older I can see it doesn't And I've really, really enjoyed the 12-18 month stage - she's changed so much, so much more independent, says so many words now. And I know she'll have changed a lot again by the time this baby is born.

I think if you and your partner are decided that you do want a sibling, then its really just about timing. You just need to decide if it was to happen quickly this time, are you ready (or ready-enough, as I'm not sure anyone feels 100% ready to do it all again!)

A slightly bigger age gap can also be a blessing, for your own wellbeing, your relationship and just being able to give one child full attention for a bit longer. Not to mention to be able to go through the TTC process with a right state of mind.

I was adamant I wouldn't have a second, we had IVF for male factor which went very well. My son is 8 months, was a very easy pregnancy and then a traumatic birth, terrible refluxy cmpa newborn phase and not hear any family. Recently I've been thinking about my other 4 frozen embryos, and beginning to actually imagine a second.

However we're planning a move near my family and will wait til our son is in nursery so there will be an age gap, and I'll he older than I'd have been had everything gone to plan. I'll he having a planned section next time too, instead of the horrendous 6 day fiasco of the first birth. I read a useful thing when planning a family. Don't think about the difficult early years, think who want at your table in twenty years time.

It's amazing how biology makes you forget the visceral elements of the negatives of having a baby, I never cried so much in my life, everything was such a shock and everything seemed to go so wrong! But I would love to give another embryo a go, and with family help think I can survive another 12 months of babyhood!

@2mumlife thanks for the honesty - and poor you doing the first trimester on broken sleep. Like you, I was absolutely exhausted but my tiredness was my entire pregnancy and many issues with iron levels too. I cannot imagine doing it while having to chase around a toddler and manage on broken sleep. He was awake for 2.5 hours in the night last night and I work full time and I'm feeling very burnt out! Thank you very much for the advice too, like you say, I'm not sure timing will ever be right and my husband can't even imagine a second at all at the moment with the terrible sleep patch we're going through. I can, but again, so much to think about and need to feel like we can do it from a financial point of view too!

@Faith2024 thanks, totally agree. There's 5 years between me and my sibling because my mum wanted me to be at school before a sibling. But me and my brother are not close at all and I worry a gap that big might be the same for my son and a future sibling too!

@Imisscoffee2021 thank you for the brutal honesty! Likewise I have never cried so much in my life and thought I had PND, but it was just actually a general lack of sleep and a massive adjustment I wasn't quite prepared for. I feel bad about it as so many women seem to cope amazingly, but I also wonder if that's just the social media highlight reel? I think I also struggled to bond as my son was a NICU baby so those precious early hours were apart from one another, which also makes me sad. So glad you have family around for number two - not so lucky here sadly, which again, freaks me out even more having double the amount of children but still only one person to help!

@BritInNZ Sounds like the timing maybe isn’t right yet. Don’t be pressurised by others with similar aged babies looking at number 2. I know lots of people with big age gaps between kids who love it and have older children who are really involved, so I think whilst the dynamic is different with different age gaps, they all have their pros and cons! I also don’t have family support or close friends close by, and working full time compressed hours and it is hard x

@BritInNZ you do what works best for your family. We are hoping for a 3 year age gap and I think that makes all the difference for us. I have a sister a year younger who I am close to and another 10 years younger who I am also incredibly close to. Closeness is about family culture and also luck. I can also see some benefits of having kids close together so it does work for some people. Good luck and take it easy on yourself!

@BritInNZ , @Imisscoffee2021
just wanted to say I feel you!

I have had a difficult path to the pregnancy, 2 IUI, 2 ICSI, 5 embryo transfers but the pregnancy was absolutely fine. Then one hell of a birth, and after that just difficulties and tears and feeling helpless. We had no help from the family (I have none, and my husband’s family just didn’t help at all) and it was an incredibly difficult period. And still is (our toddler wakes up at 5 or even earlier). But since I myself have no siblings, I wanted my child to have one, and given our age and the long road to the 1st baby I wanted to start trying asap. Covid got in the way, but 1 more ICSI and 4 more embryo transfers later we are now expecting another baby. They will have 2 years difference.

It helped me to talk about negative birth experience, and post-birth difficulties and my fears and expectations with the professionals, like psychologist, midwifes, etc. but also fellow mums who are sharing openly their experience. I have to admit I thought there was smth wrong with us, as most of acquaintances had everything easy and “perfect”! Yes, kids are different, personal situations are different, but also a lot of people just don’t share.

And this time around I do not have expectations as the first time about things going as they are supposed to, as i know it might not be the case! I had no breast milk and struggled to accept it for a long time. I could not understand how the family-in-law could be so distant and indifferent, but now I know we can only rely on ourselves. And yes, we both work 40 hours and where we live the paid maternity leave is only 12 weeks with the childcare being incredibly expensive. We are zombies with the constant lack of sleep! So from what point of view I think the second time around taking a while again (less than the first time but still) was good. But you have to feel yourself that are you ready.

@TumbleweedAgain thanks for the honesty too, I found nobody really said how bloody hard becoming a mum was and what a huge adjustment it is. When you've had a rough night and you're surviving on 2 hours sleep and don't have anyone to call, it's really hard to just get on with it - but we did! We made it through. But the thought of doing that again with a toddler too terrifies me. I'm thinking maybe a 3 year gap would work for us, but ultimately I'm trying to enjoy the time we have just having one child for now and we can assess how we feel when he's 2. Just scary knowing we might go 'yep we're ready' and then have a horrible road to getting pregnant again. But I guess you never know, maybe the first pregnancy has reset my body!