How to not be resentful / so bitter

[TheGoddessFreyja]

Bit of a vent really.

Been TTC for coming up to over a year and a half now and have recently found out after some tests that my partner has male factor infertility (extremely low count, low morphology, low everything basically 😔). I put him on strict vitamins / supplements which he thankfully takes. He's very healthy, barely drinks apart from the odd beer a couple of times a month, doesn't drink coffee / energy drinks, goes to the gym and eats well but his 2nd sperm analysis was even worse than before.

He had a child from a previous relationship who's now 18 (he had him very young). I had no reason to expect that he could potentially have the issue with us not conceiving.

I always believed it would happen quickly (I wish I could go back and give my head a wobble) as soon as we decided to start trying. We waited and waited for the right time ie, found a lovely home, both were earning decent money, been on lots of lovely holidays, got engaged and been together 7 years. Having a baby was our next natural step.

How do you stop being so bitter and upset everytime you see a pregnancy announcement? 😔 I'm starting to be this horrible hateful woman that I never imaged I'd be. Our friends recently announced they are pregnant from a oops moment, another couple already have a lovely little girl who just turned one and I'm finding it so difficult. Even seeing certain posts on here about how people's husband looks at them and they get pregnant 🤣😔 what a dream eh?

Due to partners results it's likely we will need ICSI IVF and because he's already had a child the NHS is unlikely to help so now I'm panicking about funds for that as although we are comfortable it is so expensive and its likely if thr first cycle didnt work then we'd get ourselves into some debt 😔 We are currently waiting for a referral to the NHS fertility clinic but I'm already getting into my head that we won't be offered any help.

I've always imagined myself having children since from about 16 and now I'm 30, and I know I need to pull my big girl pants on and just get on with it but I just want to cry. Why is it so easy for some and so hard for others? As soon as we began trying I did my research for how to track my cycles (ie, temping, LH strips, taking the correct supplements, exercising)

I know a year and a half isn't long to try compared to others as I know a woman that I used to work with tried for 10 years and just last month gave birth to her little bundle of joy and that was going to be her last cycle of trying as she physically couldn't put herself through it anymore. I have so much respect for all you ladies who have been trying longer than me and I hope my post doesn't offened.

With mothers day coming up I just know its going to be another day of seeing posts on social media from people I knew saying how thankful they are that they are a mum and its just crushing seeing people's lives move on while I'm stuck in this limbo.

Anyway I'm sorry for the long rant, just feeling a bit emotional and down today and looking for advice about how you get through the wishing and wanting daily 🙃😔

Sending all my love to you ladies who are trying. It is so unbelievably hard ❤️💐

No advice really, just sympathy and understanding. It is really hard and feeling jealous/bitter is an overriding emotion many experience I think. I'm really sorry, it's an awful place to be and your feelings are totally justified. Your local areas NHS criteria should be available online so you can find out whether you're eligible for anything, to at least answer that question. Are you in a position to pay for private treatment? I did find it fractionally more bearable when we actually had a plan and were doing something about the problem, but it is still a horrible journey. Highly recommend counselling if you can afford it too. Try not to beat yourself up, everything you're feeling is normal and totally understandable. I personally found it helpful to confide in close friends so I had people to talk with about it, as it can be extremely lonely too. But I think everyone's coping strategies are different. Best of luck.

I completely understand your position. I'm 5 years in even after doing countless fertility treatments. Our journey has been full of problems. One diagnosis, then another, then another, multiple specialists, etc. I'm on the rare 2% with a particular problem. I started later than you though, same, wanted to settle, have a house, good job, etc.

I think you are still young at 30 and try to speed it up as much as possible even if it means going private. Shop around, perhaps overseas is cheaper. We have easily spent more than a house deposit on all these treatments but wouldn't have it other way. What is money if want children and can't have them. Thanks God we can afford it but a friend's cousin got a bank loan for IVF and ended up with twins.

For your DH I would recommend to take CQ10 -600 MG, NAC 1000 mg, zinc, Alpha lipoic acid 600 mg, lycopene (this is super important), plus a normal male fertility multivitamin. Is your DH taking anti-depressants? Those are proven to affect sperm.

As for feeling bitter, I think it's a very normal feeling. I stopped FB due to multiple pregnancy announcements. I've shut down in some ways, I can't really speak about it with people other than my best friend of 20 years (but she also struggled with infertility and MC). It's hard for people who haven't gone through it to really understand it, so they end up saying insensitive or dumb things. Another "best" friend thought that IVF was as easy as taking pills! And couldn't understand how busy and exhausted I was and then she conceived within 2 months of trying and gave me the announcement over the phone like it was nothing, she wasn't even happy. Totally insensitive.

You lose friends along the way too because I don't want to have friends with babies, pregnant or with young children. Anyway, if someone is meant to be in your life will return.

Just think about the day when you finally have your baby and all of this is behind you. I still have faith that day will come.

Hey friend, you are not alone. My husband had to resume arthritis meds recently and his numbers went from 1% morph to only a few motile sperm. I am also 30. It is hard to accept sometimes, but I remind myself that there is no-one whose DNA I would rather share to have a child with, and I try to have faith in the science of IVF, which you should too, especially as you are young. Faith is hard to manufacture when you have been through what can feel like the grief of TTC, but it will happen, and science can get you there. Have you heard of Kind IVF? They are more affordable than most!

Mother's Day is hard, but one day it will be a day you can celebrate too. The journey is longer for others, but along the way, we can learn to be more patient and empathetic - great qualities to foster for people wanting to be parents 💓sending you love and support

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice ❤️

Have been doing a bit of research and I think we might be able to have 1 funded for our area. I hope we are allowed to go to ICSI as I dont think anything else will work with how poor his semen quality is.. If that is unsuccessful yes we would go private but I can imagine this will put ourselves into some manageable debt. I don't care of the cost anymore my Fiancé on the other hand is worried.

It makes me want to scream for the couples that have to pay thousands to start their much wanted families when so many others get it for free 😔

I've confided in my younger sister, my best friend and my cousin who I grew up with as another sister so I'm greatful I've got them but I try not to talk so much about it. Haven't told my parents as I know they desperately want grand-children and they aren't getting any younger 😔

Thank you so much ❤️

So sorry to hear its been 5 years trying. You must be absolutely tired. Have the specialists been able to give you much hope in regards to the 2% issue? Is there treatments that can help you?

Yes have been looking at overseas clinics so I feel a little bit of hope that it would be a cheaper option but again like you said what's money when you want children and to start a family? It will likely put us into a bit of debt as we are only really comfortable now with finances but i know it will be worth every penny spent.

Yes he's on a good multivitamin, COQ10, Zinc and many others but I have not heard the other ones you've mentioned so I will do some research today! thank you so much. He's not on any anti-depressants (I was once but came off them when we started trying)

Yes I don't think people think, my Fiancé told his friend we were trying and just on the phone the other day while on loudspeaker said "is XXX pregnant yet?!" 😔 I also made friends with a girl in a TTC group on Facebook who had been trying for 2 months and sent me a picture of her positive test and said "your time will come" 🙄🙄 I felt like going ugh thanks its easy for you to say when it took you 2 months trying 🥹🤣

I think about the day so often and I know it will happen. I have faith that I will have my little one and all the pain and sadness that I've felt will be all worth it to finally meet him or her 💗

Sending you lots of love and thank you for your advice and kindness ❤️

Hey my lovely 👋

It's comforting to hear I'm not alone but also sad that we have to go through this 😔

So sorry to hear about your hubby's numbers. I can imagine it was a shock to you. The day my Fiancé had his first semen analysis I thought surely this is a fluke and that's not right as numbers were so low and his morphology was 0! Stuck him on all his supplements that I researched about and then 3 months later the most recent one was the worst. He didn't even had a million sperm count, it was in the thousands 😔

You are completely right, I want his DNA I wouldn't want anyone else's. We're a team and we will have our baby. He's got a lovely son from a previous relationship and if and when we have our child I'd want the baby to be just like him.

No I've not heard of kind IVF! I will Google that now and have a look.
Thank you so much for replying. Its so kind of you.

Wishing you all the best for your incredibly hard journey you are on 💗 We will get there xx

Yes mothers day is probably the day of the year that I really hate. Of course I love it to celebrate my lovely mum but for me it's a day where I get tearful and upset. Even before we began trying it was a day where I was resentful as I'd see so many posts on social media with girls that I went to school with who now have a large family because they started trying when younger.

You are so right. Infertility has definitely opened my eyes wider to the fact that so many couples go through this but its like a silent journey we are all on. Noone knows what we all go through unless you actually tell people. I think I need to get into my head that these girls I once knew may have gone through the same as what I am now to get their lovely little families 💗

Hey,
I can definitely relate to your feelings of upset and it all feeling so unfair. Two years of TTC, with a long 9 month wait for referral (we already knew I had PCOS when we started so got referred straight away) then 6 failed rounds of ovulation induction and a failed IVF cycle too. Its hard and painful and sad. The stress of being finished with NHS funded treatment and now having to pay privately only adds more pain.

Two things I'd say. Firstly, your feelings are completely valid so don't feel like you've 'only' been trying for 18 months so you don't get to complain.

Secondly, I've just started counselling since my IVF transfer didn't work and two sessions in I'm already feeling the benefits of offloading some of the emotions. A lot of workplaces have employee assistance programmes with counselling options now, so that might be something to explore?

Might also be worth taking some time off social media, especially around mothers day.

Infertility is hard to navigate, but you get through it day by day, some are worse than others but you'll get there. Just do whatever you need to do to make it easier for yourself - even if that means taking a little time away from some friendships etc. Good luck.

@TheGoddessFreyja if you do IVF, you could do PICSI. They use a powerful microscope to choose the sperm. That helped us when my DH's sperm was very low.

I've now found a new specialist, a Reproductive Immunologist, and he's the only one who's given me some answers. It's a very new science, that there are only around 3-5 doctors per country, in developed countries only. Anyway, this option is a new hope.

I would advise you to stop social media for awhile. I did and it gave me more peace.

Best wishes

@TheGoddessFreyja Feel this all the time. 31 been with my fiance for 10 years and say all the time how I feel like I am stuck in limbo land where the whole world moves on around me and I just stand still. I'd thought about the pregnancy announcements I'd make to my family for when I turned 30 and of course that never happened. We went full blaze into our first IVF round Nov 22 and that resulted in a fail just before Christmas, then another failed frozen transfer in Feb last year. So I'm turning 32 in a few weeks and just had another frozen embryo transfer yesterday which we will see if anything comes off in the next week or so. Honestly so bored of it all at this point because you do put things on hold as you don't know where you will be or what might have happened. It really takes that excitement away and the endless social media announcements are a drain. Until you go through something like this though you are so unaware how hard it can be to get there. I used to look forward to when I could post exciting news now I think I wouldn't even want to for fear of something going wrong. Anyway, ramble over but to me they are definitely valid feelings and I'm sure ones many of us share.