Infertility- Lonely.

[Yorkshire2022]

Bit of a random post. But looking for anyone who has or is going through this too. Fertility is so hard 😫 but my husband and I have found ourselves so isolated and lonely. We've been quite open about our journey to family and friends. But we've had no support or hardly any and some friends have been quite nasty. So we've lost a few friends along the way.
It's so lonely and I know my husband is feeling it. We love being social and have been reflecting to see if we've been taken something the wrong way but those we've drifted from have been cruel.

Wondering if counselling would help or maybe finding a support group for fertility to widen our circle with people who can relate .

Hello,
so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel, we are luckily through the other side but suffered from infertility for four years. It was such a huge struggle and completely dominated our lives. We too isolated ourselves socially.

I lost many friends throughout the last couple of years either they were hurtful/insensitive, didn’t understand or they lost patience with me.
as much as it hurts, I think whenever we go through tough times we really find out who a
our real friends are. Just as much as I lost people, some friends and family

really came through and offered so much love and support. I’ve learnt to let go of the unsupportive friendships. Some people just have no understanding of the crisis infertility can cause.

whilst going through the IVF journey I chatted to my clinic counsellor, this was really helpful as they completely understood my feelings and made me realise what I felt was ‘normal’ in that situation. They also helped me come up with some coping mechanisms. Have you ever ver listened to the ‘big fat negative’ podcast? I found this really helpful too. The ladies on there are were chatty and it was as helpful to hear that many people have felt the same as us.

sending you lots of best wishes and strength. You’ve got this xxx

Good morning. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can completely relate. We have been in exactly the same situation where people have been insensitive and we had to part ways.

What has helped me the most was therapy and trying to find people who go to the same clinic as you. I have connected with a few girls on mumsnet who go to the same clinic as me and we met in real life a few times and talk basically every single day on whatsapp. It has been immensely helpful to relate to someone like that.
If that is not an option for you, I think overtime you will discover the more you share you story with people, the more people you will find in your surrounding who have been through similar troubles or know someone who has been. When we started our journey, we thought we were so alone. We were embarrassed to talk to people and that made it even more isolating. Soon enough we realised, how many people we have in our live who have been through the same. it helped both my partner and I to share.

Sending you love. You are not alone.

Hi @Yorkshire2022 ,

I'm so sorry you're not getting the support you want and need from friends and family.

Like you, my DH and I have been quite open about our infertility journey. I don't feel negatively about anyone's responses to us, as I haven't had the experience of people being nasty (and I'm incredibly sorry that's happened to you, I hope they are people you can distance yourself from). However, I do think other people just really don't get it. All well-meaning, but so many people seem to want to tell stories of how their child took six months to conceive and it was "sooo stressful" - I don't doubt it was stressful for them, but why would you think that's comparable to the situation of someone with a diagnosed fertility problem?!

I do think counselling can be helpful (I've just started a course of it and it feels good to offload).

I think the only other advice I'd suggest is maybe think about telling people what it is you need from them? Perhaps just a few close friends or family members. Sometimes people are well meaning but just don't know what is for the best, which can lead to them saying unhelpful things or just not asking about it. So for example, I knew some friends were trying for babies and I did mention in conversations that I would prefer not to be told pregnancy news face to face and that has been respected so far.

You're definitely not alone in feeling lonely, keep venting on here if you need to and I really hope you can either strengthen existing relationships or build some new ones 💕

I feel like I could’ve wrote your post straight from my own brain!! Exactly the same situation and it’s shit. I don’t think people understand what it’s truly like unless they have been through infertility. A lot of my friends will say oh look at the positives you still have ivf to move onto (we’ve just failed on our 4th iui) or at least there’s nothing wrong with either of you but sometimes you just want someone to say actuslly it’s really shit that is instead of constantly trying to make you feel better. We both have lost a whole friendship group over this not due to any nastiness just down to the fact that it’s now really awkward people don’t know what to say anymore or want to invite you places because they’re going with their kids. I feel really sorry for us and everyone else going through it 😢 it’s so lonely. Sending you a big love xxxx

@Yorkshire2022 hang in there ❤️
It took us 18 years to be able to say we're finally expecting our little miracle. I never thought I'd be expecting my first at 38.
I can relate with the nasty comments from friends. I've also lost lots of friends along my journey as people who don't understand infertility can sometimes be cruel.
It's incredibly tough, and i felt like we kept hitting so many obstacles along the way . The only advice I can offer is just to never give up hope that one day it can happen.

@Lauradorch
thank you so much for your message. Sorry to hear you experienced it too.

I haven't heard of the podcast I shall take a look. Yes I think I'm going to seek out therapy too Xxx.

@contentsmayb

Thank you so much for your message. Sorry to hear you guys went through it too. Yes I think im going to start therapy and try and make new connections. It's such a shame but some comfort knowing I'm not the only one to loose so many people xxx

@IWouldRatherBeOnHoliday

**thank you so much for the reply. Yes I'm the same, going yo start therapy. I need to off load.

Me and my hubby are quite reflective and we thought the same, be more open and communicate what we need. Sadly hasn't made a difference, experienced put me down comments and after a recent MC received no support I'd even settle for a how you feeling text.

It's definitely tough and quite depressing but once we're on the other side with good people it will be worth this awful section xxx

@Mrsrmcc

So sorry Your going through this too. It SUCKS especially loosing friends when need them the most. The only thing I keep saying to myself is when the wrong people leave makes room for the right kinda people. Hope it gets better for you and us! We got this xxx

@LiIacMoon
thank you so much for your message.

Congratulations on your miracle ❤️

There's comfort in knowing others have lost a lot of friends along the way. Although it's so sad. I was thinking what's wrong with me.

Infertility is so hard without the added sadness of loosing friends xxx

I'm so sorry to hear people have been cruel about your problems, OP. That's horrible and it sounds like they are people you are better off without.

I haven't experienced that, luckily our friends/ family have all been supportive and sympathetic, but it is still lonely because they don't really know what to say or do to help (there isn't anything really).

Personally I haven't really found fertility support groups all that helpful, I just find it all a bit depressing. But counselling definitely is helpful, and talking a lot to my husband.

You will find your own way and different people need different things, but I'd definitely recommend trying some counselling if you haven't yet (either just for you, or as a couple). It helps to talk.

@circlesand

Thank you so much for the reply. I did wonder if I'd find the groups a bit depressing or just scare me more.

Yes definitely going to seek out counselling xxx