Feeling selfish that I want people to think of me…

[Clutchingatstrawsagain]

NC for this, as my other posts are quite identifiable…

I know there has been so many posts before about us infertile women struggling with those around them getting pregnant but I just need to get it off my chest as I feel so angry & hurt but I know I am being selfish in feeling this was so cannot say anything IRL… apart from to my DH, but still feel like a bitch saying it to him to be honest….

Bit of background…
We have been having fertility treatment now for just over 3 years, trying for 5.
First round resulted in 5 good quality embryos, we were convinced we would end up with at least one baby from these but unfortunately we didn’t. We then had to save for another full round (we only got first EC & fresh transfer funded - subsequent transfers were paid for by us) which obviously took us a little while after already paying just under £5k accross 2 years for the 4 FETs.
Second round ended in a freeze ‘all’ the end of last year but only one embryo made it to the freezer which we had transferred in January and which again failed.
Obviously we were floored by this and now having sunk nearly £10k with nothing to show and not sure how / if we can continue is breaking my heart - and possibly also heightening my feelings but here we go…..

I don’t want to be too specific but also don’t want to drip feed, but I am now 38, best friend is the same age & sister is 41.
My best friend, sister and majority of other friends / family / social circle have been having children over the last 10 - 15 years with many now having grown up children, husbands having had vasectomies, no more baby making coming etc, so just me left to go!
BF has 3 children, between 7-13. She announced she was pregnant again just before we started our last cycle. I was devastated. I never, ever let on to her I was, I was super supportive, she never mentioned anything about my fertility treatment, I would have appreciated a small ‘I know it’s probably difficult news for you to hear’ or ‘I understand if you need to take a step back from me’ but she just told me the news and subsequent updates without any apparent thought to my feelings. As I said, I never said anything and made all the right noises and facial expressions whenever I saw her. I used to actually feel like my jaw was physically aching after seeing her from trying so hard to keep a smile plastered on my face.

Anyway, the only people I confided in about how upset I was about this was my DH and DSis, I told my DSis how I felt angry that she already had 3 children and felt like it was my time to have babies, that it hurts to hear her updates and how I knew it would hurt watching her belly grow & that I knew for my own MH I would need to take a step back from her and support her from a distance as it was just too hard.
DSis totally understood where I was coming from and assured me I was not a selfish person but had just been given a difficult hand and BF would understand.

So fast forward to a few days ago. DSis texts me and tells me she is pregnant. That she found out just after Xmas but was waiting until after my transfer as she was ‘sure’ this time would work for us (she wasn’t the only
one!) and was going to tell me once I had my
’good news’ but had been battling with how to tell me since my transfer had failed and now feels ‘really guilty’

Again, I made all the right noises, said I was happy for her, that it was still a joy to know I would have another niece or nephew to love etc, but obviously I was in bits. She has 2 children, aged 8 & 5, one of each, and always said she would have no more.
I said to her ‘I didn’t even know you were trying!’ Expecting her to say it was a ‘happy accident’, but she replied and said she had been trying since the beginning of last year but felt it would have been insensitive to tell me that when I was trying to save for another round of ivf.
For some reason this hurt me more than anything else… I had confided in her about the hurt I felt about BF and she sat and listened and agreed with me, all the time knowing she was trying to do exactly the same thing ‘to me’.

I know I am selfish for feeling so hateful and angry, but infertility really does make you such a bitter person. I just feel like they have had their time, why can’t it be mine? A part of me feels like my DSis has got pregnant just to show she can still do something I can’t?! Or like my going through fertility treatment has made her realise she wants another baby? Why do either of them feel they need ANOTHER child when I can’t even have one.
My heart is breaking and my 2 closest people are contributing to that heartbreak.
I feel like the worst human being for feeling like that about 2 new babies that I know I will love just like I do the rest, and for feeling like I WANT them to feel guilty for being pregnant when I know they absolutely should not and wouldn’t want them to feel stress or anything that could risk their pregnancies, but I just feel like I just wish they would put my feelings first. But I know they have every right to live their lives how they want and have as many children as they want, but I just wish they would consider me a little in these decisions.

Not expecting anyone to have got this far, but just really needed to get it out of my head :(

The inability to have a child is what's damaging you, neither your sister or friend have done anything wrong, and the level of heartache you're experiencing right now means that they can do no right.

What they might perceive as the correct behavior to do by you is simply not being well received because of your grief hun. They want you to have a baby too. They love you. They really, really love you and think you'd be a great mum and are growing their families because that's right for them (they shouldn't give up having another child to be sensitive to you because that would lead to resentment) but any way they behave (trying to be normal etc) is automatically wrong to you because you're angry, deeply hurt and bitter and need somewhere to direct those emotions.

Second - do not feel ashamed by your feelings either, the inability to have a child can be absolutely soul destroying for a good long while, and if you're not okay and need to accept a bit of a breakdown over this, go right ahead and don't fight it. You have done NOTHING wrong, you are NOT selfish of bad in any way, and you don't deserve this.

It might be worth reaching out (via Facebook etc - if you haven't already) for groups experiencing unplanned childlessness. You're not alone ❤️

Thank you @rubyredknowsitall ❤️

A part of me feels like my DSis has got pregnant just to show she can still do something I can’t?! Or like my going through fertility treatment has made her realise she wants another baby? Why do either of them feel they need ANOTHER child when I can’t even have one.

You know it's nothing to do with you, though.
They just wanted another child.
It does sound like your sister cared and tried but either got it wrong or couldn't really have got it right.

You sound in so much pain. Are you in therapy at all? These are such powerful feelings and you're dealing with such an unfair situation, maybe it would be good to have a space where you can just say what you need to and have your feelings heard.

@Lassiata I know what you’re saying is right, I think it just feels a bit like the world is against me at the moment :( even though I’m sure it brought my DSis immense pain to watch me have my heart broken again and then having to tell me something she knew would make it worse.

I am having counselling through the clinic but don’t feel it is a great help, I just tend to cry at her for the hour while she nods and listens, but it’s still hard to be completely honest when I feel like a lot of my feelings are awful, like I KNOW my BF & DSis are entitled to have as many children as they want and shouldn’t live their lives differently just because mine hasn’t gone the way I wanted it to but it all just feels so unfair and I just want my support circle to put my feelings above their own which I know is unreasonable and unfair. Infertility is just such a lonely lonely place :(

I hear you OP. You're not a bad person for having these thoughts and feelings. I think it's a normal part of infertility, sadly.

I do think that your best friend is being insensitive to be honest. A good friend would at least acknowledge your feelings during their baby updates and recognise what you're going through. I was very lucky with my friend in that she was really good at acknowledging how her pregnancy may be difficult for me at times. She would normally wait for me to ask, before providing at update. When we would meet up she would suggest meeting away from her home so I didn't need to be around baby things if it was a bad time. She knew I was happy for her but was patient and gentle with me because she also knew that a pregnancy was something I desperately wanted too, but wasn't lucky enough to have. So yes, I do think your friend has been a bit shitty there to be honest.

I think it's more tricky with your sister as from what you've said it does really seem like she is trying not to upset you.

The truth is infertility is just so unfair. Those who can have children easily often don't realise how lucky they are because they haven't had to walk in the shoes of a person having infertility. I'm sorry I don't have much advice but I just wanted to offer some solidarity xx

@lemons44 Thank you so much. I think I needed to hear that my feelings are valid, and also makes me feel a bit better knowing that it is a bit shitty how my BF has been… I’m sure she either just hasn’t thought or thinks not comparing her being pregnant to me being infertile is the right thing to do but to me it does feel shitty.

I will always think my sister has my best at heart deep down but it really is hard not to feel angry and resentful isn’t it.
like you say, they just don’t realise how bloody difficult infertility is if they’ve never experienced it.

I know that before I went through it I was guilty of asking people ‘are you looking to have kids?’ Or saying ‘ooh baby next!’ When someone has got married, and I cringe now thinking I could have made anyone feel the way those comments now make me feel, but sometimes ignorance doesn’t come from a bad place.

Thanks again for the solidarity, I really appreciate it ❤️

Hey OP just to say I hear you, your feelings are valid. I don’t expect people to put their lives on hold but I also treat people with kindness and hope they can do the same. That means being sensitive to those we love and knowing your audience. Your best friend hasn’t done that for you. It’s up to you how you respond to that if at all.

Infertility is so unfair, it can and does divide families and friendships and marriages and it’s okay to feel that you’d rather have a son or daughter than another niece or nephew. Like you I found I couldn’t really be honest with my counsellor, let alone anyone else as some of the thoughts and feelings just look (are?) so ugly, I didn’t want judgement not accompanied by understanding. I didn’t want someone making notes of my feelings and then poking at the wound in further sessions. So I guess I’m saying please feel understood or listened to. But if you can have a more useful counselling experience with the right therapist then hope it helps you.

@HeyMona thank you ❤️
Yeah that’s how I am with the counsellor, it kinda feels like I can’t be completely honest as I feel like if I say how I REALLY feel they will take it as that’s the true me, instead of seeing it as a reaction to infertility and the unfairness of it all.

So hard seeing others get pregnant so easily and wondering why you were chosen as once of the unfortunate ones who can’t :(

You are not selfish, you are not spiteful, you are not hateful. You are going through a deeply painful, challenging and conflicting experience and, while you can hold yourself accountable for your actions, you can't blame yourself for your feelings. And it sounds like your actions are very restrained and considered, bearing in mind the circumstances. It sounds like youve had a really hard time and I'm so sorry for that.

I have experienced both ends of this problem, in that when I was pregnant with our daughter a cousin (who I was not particularly close with, but family is family), wouldnt attend any family events because they had experienced two MCs. We also werent 'allowed' to refer to my pregnancy in any family emails/chats etc. On the flip side I am now experiencing secondary infertility (almost two years in) and some people are extremely insensitive, (eg one friend repeatedly told me how 'lucky' she felt not to have any fertility struggles with her two babies) but my very close friends have been very respectful. I now understand my cousins pain a lot more, and it really made me understand that whatever you need to get through this experience is what you need to do.

Now I am experiencing fertility issues I have had to put in boundaries with the sheer volume of people getting pregnant around me (feels like its every month!) I have said where I havent felt able to attend baby showers right after another failed round or not able to talk about babies when Ive just got another period - its uncomfortable but its important so far everyone has been understanding. Its not easy, but it has also been good to let people know that im not always going to be okay and happy. I think its important for you to remember you are protecting your peace, no one else is going to do that for you.

I agree with @lemons44 that your best friend does sound insensitive, if you feel you can speak to her about this I would say this would be a good thing to do. It can build resentment if you let the issue fester and im sure she will understand. I know you know that your sister isnt trying to hurt you, but again I dont think theres anything wrong with you feeling that even if its irrational - feelings arent supposed to be. Its your actions that count and it sounds like youve been extremely gracious in the circumstances.

I hope you are okay and sending virtual support to you!

@Totters123 Thank you so much 💕

Im so sorry to hear that you’re also experiencing fertility issues, it really is the hardest thing to go through 😞

It does sound like you have a good support system and I definitely envy your strength in advocating for yourself, I’m really not great at voicing my feelings or telling people what I need for fear of upsetting them, but it is to the detriment of my own feelings sometimes and does leave me feeling rather lonely and having a ‘nobody cares / understands’ attitude, which obviously is as much down to me not speaking out as it is to them not asking.

I wish you all the best with the rest of your journey and hope it is not a long one ❤️