Hi @Ilovebees
We cannot have children naturally due to male factor. My DH is minus some important tubes so it is an absolute impossibility. We have gone through multiple rounds of ivf with no success, the closest we’ve gotten is an 9 week pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. Where he cannot conceive naturally, I seem to be really bad at IVF! I have a good egg reserve but struggle to mature them and as we’ve been at this 2 years (IVF) my eggs are now definitely impacted by age.
We are now experiencing our darkest days with it and although we are grateful we live in an age where donor conception is a very accessible prospect, now that we are faced with it as a very real option it is proving very difficult, and we are really grieving. It’s a bit surreal to think that when we started trying I had no known fertility issues, and have been told all the indications are I could probably still conceive naturally, but due to the time that has passed and my incompatibility with IVF I will now probably be the one who will never have a biological child. However, despite all this I never blame my partner or see him as less. He is wonderful partner and I look at the bigger picture and everything he brings to the relationship. I remind him regularly that he’s the best thing that ever happened to me, and that even if we’d known of his issues the night we met I wouldn’t have done a thing differently (well except from maybe starting IVF on the second date!)
I’ve had two serious relationships prior and would not have wanted to have had children with either. As you’ve been together 10 years maybe your partner is complacent about how lucky he is to have found you. I think men in long term relationships often believe that if they were dating they’d be batting woman off with a stick, when in reality they would not be the catch they think they are! It’s brutal out there!!!
Your partner says he says these things to reassure you he wants you, but has he ever thought to tell you that he would have choosen you from the start if he’d known how things would go? That he loves you unconditionally and he is not simply tolerating this? This is what you need to hear from him. And after that he needs to shut TFU!
Total transparency, as IVF involves a lot of invasive treatment for the female, I have on occasion become upset and accused DH of “not seeing my sacrifice” but that is when I am feeling overwhelmed and need him to vocalise that we can stop if I ever feel that’s enough, that he sees what this is doing to me and will put me first. I think sometimes people can process out loud, and we are all human, but I don’t get the sense that this is what your partner is doing here? It sounds like he is calmly holding it over you? This is unacceptable. Has he even thought about the fact that in years to come a different health issue may arise for him which he needs you to be understanding of. And FYI, 50% of infertility is down to MFI and 25% of cases there is an issue for both partner so his belief this is nothing to do with his contribution is seriously outdated. SA is very basic, tells you nothing about levels of DNA fragmentation.
Please mind yourself and never feel you are indebted to him. Xx