Moving from the conception board to the infertility board... looking for a hand hold

[BussiBop23]

Feeling down...

I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks with baby #1 last March and since then we haven't been able to conceive again. We are going to give it one more try this month and then that will be a year so will book a doctors appointment.

I just can't believe we are in this situation. I feel so useless, why can't my body do it!? I feel like a failure and so desperately desperately sad that's its not happening for us.

Nearly all my friends have babies or are pregnant and that's not an exaggeration. I just logged back onto Insta after a social media break and saw a friend from school announcing her pregnancy which has really hit me. I had been doing OK at keeping my chin up but it's so exhausting and feels so unfair.

Anyone got any experience of the first doctors appt for infertility? Or any tips on keeping strong? I'm so worried there's a problem, I'm not sure how I will cope if they say I'm unlikely to have a baby.

Hi @BussiBop23

so very sorry to hear of your miscarriage and your ongoing difficulties. It sounds incredibly difficult indeed.

My situation is quite different to yours, but I really sympathise with your feelings about friends/family having children all around you, and being cross with your body for not doing what you want. Something that has helped me with this is to try and break that cycle by bringing to the front of my mind other thoughts about all the amazing things my body can do, like doing my (hands on) job, running faster, climbing harder etc. This doesn’t solve the fertility issue, but it does interrupt negative thoughts about myself, even temporarily this can be helpful.

it’s really great that you are making a plan about approaching the doctor - sometimes I find that having an appointment in the diary gives me a milestone to focus on, and makes it a little easier.

no tips on the first doctors appointment as I’m not eligible for NHS, so hopefully someone else will be along to help with that one.

I will say to try and not focus too much time on thoughts of being unable to have children just yet - you don’t know this is the case and there are potentially lots of different treatment options to try yet.

all the very best to you x

Hi

I don't have very many tips for the first doctor's appointment but I have to say my GP was really kind and matter of fact about it all. He basically ran through a list of questions, ordered some blood tests, and then had a telephone appointment with me afterwards to complete the referral to the hospital (gynaecology department initially). I'm now under the Assisted Conception Unit and should have IVF in March.

In no particular order, I would recommend:

• having a think about what you want to say to the GP - make sure you ask for a referral. You can write it down before you go in so you don't get flustered and miss things
• be prepared for a long wait, potential frustration, and the fact that it's a total postcode lottery. The tests and referrals you and your OH will need will differ according to your results, your age, where you live etc.
• don't go down a Google hole and spend loads of money on products and supplements. The consultant I saw at the ACU said there's so many businesses trying to profit off people's desperation, and not many of the things are clinically evidenced to help. Make sure you're having your folic acid and vitamin D as NHS recommends.
• focus on adding good things to your diet (fruit and veg / plenty of fibre / healthy fats /omega 3), minimising alcohol, not a crazy regime where you cut loads of stuff out
• prioritise whatever exercise keeps you moving and whatever fun things help you to de stress
• don't play the comparison game. It never makes me feel good and it just stores up bitterness inside. I think it might be the same for you
• remember there's no rhyme or reason to this. The way I see it now is there's a certain amount of shit everyone has to go through in their life. Some have more than others and it's not fair. But this is the shit you have to go through at the moment. That doesn't mean you're not going to be upset or stressed about it, but thinking "why me?" leads you nowhere helpful.

I don't know if it's also helpful to say I feel less upset about it all nearly reaching the 2 year mark than I did between 6 and 12 months. I think I've just accepted that we were unlucky on this one

I know how you feel and it seems sooo easy for everybody else- and for lots of people it is.
But there are tonnes of people struggling to conceive as well, you definitely are not alone!!
We struggled for 18 months before moving to IVF and conceived our son who is now 2. Now TTC baby 2 and it's proving just as difficult as we are approaching a year with no pregnancy. It's so hard but there are a lot of options and you really do have to hold on to hope. I appreciate how soul destroying it is month after month seeing negative tests.
You have done nothing wrong and this is not your fault! I tell myself that daily.
The GP will firstly sort out some blood tests for you and then get your partner to do a semen analysis and then they will refer you.
X

I’m sorry about your miscarriage, that’s very sad to hear.

My one bit of advice is to advocate for yourself. I was really worried contacting GP. He asked questions such as:

• Do you have regular periods
• Average length of cycle

He could have ordered blood tests but basically fobbed us off saying no reason to think there’s an issue and they can’t do anything until we hit 2 year mark. He could have run the day 21 bloods and day 2-5 bloods. If I’d have done the blood tests sooner, my thyroid/prolactin levels would have been spotted sooner which added another 6 months of repeat blood tests and going back and forth with an endocrinologist.

It’s hard, but try not to compare your journey to others. I’m still very much on this journey after 4.5 years and comparing yourself is not helpful it only makes you feel like crap!

Infertility takes over your life - try to keep doing fun things/things you enjoy. Take a break when you need it. My mental health has taken a battering and a couple of months to not think about infertility is actually quite helpful. This links back to have fun/do things you enjoy doing. Sometimes it’s helpful to just feel normal and do normal things before you take the next step.

As for keeping strong. It’s hard, I’ve found taking a month or two off helps reset me mentally. I’m still working on this, but I try to stay strong because I have to - I’m not ready to give up yet, so I keep going. It doesn’t often feel like strength but I suppose it might look like it!

Take things one step at a time. Call the GP, they’ll arrange blood tests and maybe a sperm analysis for your partner. Once you have the results you’ll have a bit more information- then it’ll be onto the next step.

Thank you for all your replies!

So the time has come, and I'm biting the bullet and calling the doctor today after another cycle not conceiving.

I don't know why I'm finding booking a GP appointment so hard when I'm very aware this could be the start of a process with much harder moments! I think it's because I'm finally accepting there may be a problem which has been difficult for me. I feel like I've not long come to terms with the miscarriage I had last year, and now this is a whole new problem to try and process.

Urgh...I was so excited when we started TTC and never imagined it would go this way. I'm definitely feeling very sorry for myself!

Hi @BussiBop23 I'm so sorry you're finding yourself in the situation of having to call the GP for a fertility referral, and also that you have experienced a miscarriage.

Although I'm unfortunate to have PCOS causing infertility, one benefit for me was that it was diagnosed pre-TTC so I was able to go to the GP when we were ready for a referral without having to try naturally. So whilst I didn't have the long process you've been through, and I have no doubt that must have been tough, I did have a sense of optimism that at least the referral was setting us on a path towards the solution.

I wonder if you can reframe it that way for yourself - try not to think of the negatives, but about the fact that you're opening a door to access all the support you need to help you conceive?

Hopefully your GP is proactive, but as mentioned above some of them can fob you off, so do be prepared to push for bloods tests, SA and a referral. If you feel you might benefit, you could also ask your GP to refer your for some counselling?

I hope your appointment goes well and wishing you all the best with things, the Infertility board is a great place for advice and to vent so do keep posting if it is helpful to you to have some virtual support 😊

@IWouldRatherBeOnHoliday

Thanks for your reply! You're completely right about trying to reframe it in my head - trying hard to see this as one step closer to finally conceiving.

So it turned out ringing the doctor was hugely anticlimactic - which shouldn't have come as a surprise! I'm on a waiting list just to see the GP 🙄

Oh no that is so rubbish. There are a lot of waiting lists when it comes to infertility, sadly. Have they told you how long it will be until you can see a GP? Is there any way to get a same day appointment (e.g. if it really is making you feel down, you could frame your appointment request to say you need to speak to a GP urgently and tell the receptionist it's a personal matter if they ask for more details?)

Personally it's a tough one deciding whether you want to skip to private testing straight away. For some, it's just not an option financially. For others (me included), you might want to conserve funds in case you exhaust your NHS funded options.

You could look into the costs of having the tests done privately though, if that would help you feel like you've made progress.

There's also lots of info out there on how to improve fertility prospects via diet/supplements (apologies if you're already well aware of all of this!). I'm not saying any of this will necessarily help, but I think sometimes feeling like you're being proactive and doing something positive about your situation can help you feel a bit more in control in a scenario where you're stuck waiting on others.

You'll want a gp to check general health bloods, thyroid, and your hormone levels eg testosterone etc. Then you'll want them to do day 2-5 and day 21 bloods. And a referral to assisted conception. Worth finding out in your healthboard if assisted conception refer for semen analysis etc or if GP does

I'm so sorry, one thing about infertility is there is A LOT of waiting.

To give you an idea: my gp fobbed me off because I was only 27 at the time and she told me to try for another year. I agreed because she seemed confident it would happen for us. A year went passed and no luck so we went back- they agreed to do blood tests (day 5 and day 21) which they messed up 3 times so we wasted 3 months just trying to get those done! And then finally onto a waiting list to see a gynaecologist after blood tests and sperm analysis were fine. Another year on a waiting list and I finally get an appointment in January 2023, I was so nervous but I only had 10 minutes with the doctor. She advised to do AMH blood test and X-ray of fallopian tubes and would make an appointment to follow up when they had the results. The follow up appointment came through for May, and then was cancelled and changed to October. In the end we gave up and went private.

For us we were lucky enough to have some savings, and an interest free credit card to hand lol, but I know that's not the case for everyone. You're right at the beginning of things so take your time, keep trying, and remember that there is life after infertility! Good luck with everything

Hey, so a little update,

I had a GP appointment and day 5 and 21 bloods....all normal, and I ovulated. I've also had an ultrasound and transvaginal exam...all fine.

Now, we are in the process of booking my partner in for a semem analysis, and after that, the GP will make a referral to the infertility clinic.

It's such a long and slow process! Is there anyone in Oxfordshire and know how long it will take for an appointment once we are referred?

Hope you're all doing well!

@BussiBop23 I don't have an answer to your question but wanted to reply as we're at a very similar stage - I came in a slightly different route (GP referral to recurrent miscarriage clinic who have referred me on to fertility clinic), just had about my 100th internal ultrasound yesterday (gross exaggeration haha but it feels like it!) and have to have an HSG next week, partner needs to book a repeat semen analysis (had one last year for the miscarriage clinic which was all normal so don't expect that to be any different). The sonographer I saw yesterday told me they try to get people in quickly after results are back where I am (Surrey) so I'm hopeful it won't be too many months.... I guess otherwise the test results go out of date!

Back on here for some support after a difficult day.

Today my partner got his sperm analysis results back. All good except 3% morphology when the normal range is between 4-14%.

His initial reaction (after a quick Google to try and understand what that means) is that it's an absolute disaster. Our chances are minimal and it's his fault. He's clammed up since then and clearly doesn't want to talk about it.

I've said it's not a disaster and that we should stay positive. We've got a GP appointment next week to discuss it so let's not panic.

But the truth is, I am worried. I don't really know what to make of it it all. When you google it - it doesn't sound great. I really don't want him feeling guilty or responsible because he's not but I'm upset and need someone to talk too. Anyone been in a similar position? Is 3% really that bad?

Hey,
I'm sorry you've found today's results hard for both you and your partner. These things always take some time to process, so give yourselves some space to come to terms with things.

Of course it's not your partner's fault, but I think it's very normal to feel deflated and upset yourself in this situation. Please don't feel guilty and definitely vent all you need, maybe ask for counselling when you speak to your GP if it would help to get things off your chest?

All that said, I'd say if your tests have come back fine and your partner has 3% morphology then things really don't look so bad! This is absolutely something you can overcome with treatment.

Morphology issues are usually dealt with via the ICSI method of IVF - this will select the sperm with good morphology, so you only need one sperm per egg (so a very low % isn't an issue).
My DH had 1% morphology and I have PCOS, so we had a double whammy of infertility issues. Although our first IVF round only yielded one 3BB embryo, we switched up our meds for round two and took 3 months to load up on supplements and follow a clean diet before we started. We got a beautiful 4AA embryo (I'm 8 weeks pregnant with it now!) and a 5BA and 4BA in the freezer.

I hope this gives you both hope that you've still got a great chance of conceiving with the right support 🥰

It'd honestly not the end of the road ! It really only takes one sperm. Yes it can be harder but there's ways he can improve it himself .
My partner started taking proxeed and it helped. His sperm count was so low they couldn't even measure the morphology. His motility was 1 %. If I googled it our chance of conception was 0.5 percent.
Our first baby was ivf icsi and now I am pregnant with our second NATURALLY. It actually happened naturally I couldn't believe it. Don't give up ❤️ get the referral going but in the mean time your partner needs to do things to try and improve sperm .
My partner was taking cold showers too not sure if that helped,

@BussiBop23 My DH had one sample like this but further samples were fine. Get him to take proxeed.

@IWouldRatherBeOnHoliday

Thank you for your reply - with a few days since the results, I think we've both managed to put it in perspective and feel a little better about it.

I've found this whole process very difficult, so I think asking for counselling at our next GP appointment is a good idea.

Congratulations on your own BFP!! Wishing you all the best!

@Elisabeth3468

Thank you for your message - your success story definitely gives me hope! 😊

@Lollytob

Yes, with a bit of research, I think we understand more about how results can change depending on so many factors and that one poor result doesn't mean more results forever!

So glad to hear you're in a bit of a better headspace now @BussiBop23 - although the counselling will hopefully help too if you can get that referral.

It's worth starting diet and supplement changes now whilst you wait for the appointment, if you are both happy to do so - it takes at least 3 months to have an impact and personally I found that knowing I was being proactive really helped me with the sadness and frustration of it all.

Keep us updated if you like, I'm keeping everything crossed for you that you're not kept waiting too much longer and can get treatment soon 🥰