Feeling like there's no point if it doesn't work

[Copenhagener]

I realise this is a bit of a morbid thread, so please delete if it's not allowed.

I've had my first failed IVF transfer, and it's got me thinking. Up until recently I've been optimistic. All the statistics have been on my side.

I started TTC at 30. I knew 90%ish of women conceived within 2 years. That a lot of women conceived naturally after a HyCoSy. That fertility medication could prompt conception. That 49% of women got pregnant their first attempt at IVF at the hospital I am at. And still, nothing.

I finally feel the switch to being pessimistic about my chances of ever becoming a mother.

I don't want to be childless. I don't want a child-free life. My career is fine and well-paying but it doesn't fulfil me. I already have a dog. I've travelled to 50+ countries. I don't have many friends - and lost some of the ones I did have because they have kids and they don't want a child-less person stringing along. I'm not at all close to my family (and I live abroad). I think my relationship could end if we're not successful. It's not possible for me to adopt (not a citizen of the country I live in, don't meet the requirements, and adoption is not a thing here). I'd consider donor eggs if needs be (we're unexplained infertility), but seeing as I've never had anything even implant, that it's my body not accepting an embryo.

I genuinely don't see much point in living if this doesn't work out for me. That my life would feel too empty. The country I'm in (which I do like) is so child-centric and I feel like I'm floating through life rather than living anymore.

I don’t have any advice just a hand hold in solidarity 😞

I honestly thought we’d breeze through IVF (MFI & I have been pregnant previously so didn’t think it would be an issue once they had my DH sperm & did ICSI) but then it failed….. And like you I went from being ‘excited’ and optimistic to just resenting the process & not wanting to continue.

We are currently on our second FET which I’m pretty sure hasn’t worked and I feel like I just want to do our last transfer with our remaining embryos as I know that won’t work either so I can just draw a line under it and try and carve a new future.

But it does feel completely impossibly. Like you I have a good life, and me and my DH always say we are happy just the 2 of us and will remain happy if it stays that way, but I have my worries about this tearing us about when resentment or regret kicks in a few years down the line.

I have so much admiration for the women who do round after round to get their baby but I simply don’t think I have the strength in me to do that.

I like to read through the childfree threads on here, some seem to be a bit bitter (from both sides of the coin) but some are lovely and show happy women living child free and gives me hope if that is how my life does pan out.

Sending lots of love, it really is so so so hard, and I really never understood just how hard infertility was before I was faced with it 💔

Hugs! 💐
I completely get you!
I had MC at 32 with a different partner and I had a gut feeling that my road to motherhood was not going to be easy. 4 years later I started Ttcing with husband fearing the worst! And I was right! I have battling unexplained infertility for the past 5 years. After 3 rounds of IvFs, 4 failed embryotransfers, - 2 negatives, s CPs, 1 hycosy, 3 hysteroscopies, countless months of planned sex, endless appointments, tests, treatment plans and supplements, I still don't have a baby or hope to have one in the future. And for the first time I don't know which road to take. I still have one frozen embryo and if it doesn't work, I have no idea what to do..

I won't get my life or my old self back. It has been a traumatising journey, and even if I have good friends and family, pets and a nice life, I see no purpose or happiness.

I am sorry I can't offer you a positive approach. I wanted you to know that your pain is real and matters and it shouldn't be dismissed!

I hear you and just wanted to send love 🤍

Just wanted to say this really resonated with how I’m feeling tonight, you’re not alone in feeling like this-ivf is harder than I think any of us can imagine when we sign up.

My 4th FET has just ended in another chemical and I just feel so beaten down by the whole bloody process.

I came into ivf not expecting it to be easy, but we were very lucky to get some excellent numbers at retrieval and a good number frozen, so that lulled us into a false sense of security.

Got a bfp following the first FET, which I wasn’t expecting, was fully prepared to have to do a few transfers. Everything was going great - until I lost it at 6w5d.

Since then we’ve had a bfn and 2 chemicals and I’m left wondering if it will ever happen for us.

I really underestimated how difficult this journey is and how much I’ve put my life on hold over the last 12 months, or how much I’d resent every penny I’ve spent on making myself feel this crappy!

Take the time to feel your feelings, they are valid. Have you considered using the counselling from your ivf clinic?

I’m going to let myself wallow in it tonight and then get some nice things planned in for the next few weeks to distract myself. And then I’m going to try to pick myself up to go again…

It is really painful. How old are you? Presumably still early 30s if you've only just done your first round. To try and be more realistic than some of the stats you've quoted - on average it takes 3 transfers for a successful outcome, regardless of age. HyCoSy seems to have a positive impact for a small number of women, they don't know why. For many it is absolutely no effect, you just only hear about the good stories. For many causes of infertility oral medications have no effect, it almost certainly won't if the cause of the infertility isn't known. 49% conception rate on first go for any clinic doesn't sound right - I'd be inclined to take that stat with a pinch of salt and assume there is some manipulation in those figures. The average is 20-30% success on first go (1/3 ish as above).

All of the above written trying to provide some reassurance that your situation is the norm for the majority of women who go on to have a positive outcome on future rounds. You just always hear more from the one hit wonders and those stories tend to stick in your head giving you a warped perception of the realities of fertility treatment. Have you access to any counselling through your clinic? It can be really helpful. Good luck,

Please don’t give up hope, the journey can be long and brutal. We started trying 7.5 years ago, a few years naturally then started the IVF consultations just before Covid so once that hit we were on hold for some time.
We went through 2 egg collections, 4 transfer, 1 miscarriage and I’m now 34 weeks pregnant with my miracle baby.
Like you, I wanted to give up many times, I thought it would never happen and I’d have a childless future. I was too stubborn to give up on my dream.
Wishing you all the best and good luck :)

Thank you for everyone sharing their experiences. It's morose, but it's comforting in a way to know I'm not the only one feeling like this. A lot of forums and TikTok videos are all so relentlessly positive in their quest for their rainbow baby, or on the other side, being so flippant about 'if it doesn't happen, child-free is fine' and it makes me feel very isolated in my feelings.

@SErunner Thanks for the detailed and scientific response. I'm 32 years old.

I use one of the public system hospitals here, and they do have a 49% positive rate per transfer (attached - sorry, it's only available in Danish), although it drops to 33% by week 7. I'm just increasingly nervous as I've never so much as seen a whisper of a positive test. I know I'm in good hands and there is still time, but I'm scared my insides are totally messed up.

There is counselling available, but honestly, the language makes it a bit tough to fully express how I really feel. I'm thinking of finding a native English speaking fertility therapist myself though.

I don't doubt it's what they publish as their success rate but these kind of things can easily be manipulated depending on who they take on for treatment and plenty of other small print. Best to try and focus on the more realistic stats which should reassure you. At your age you are highly likely to be successful with further treatment. I get the anxiety and despondency - the only positive I've seen in 6 years of no contraception is from the successful round with our daughter (now 2.5). We've had two failed transfers for a sibling. I'm sure counselling via video call could be just as helpful and that might open up UK based options if needed?

With all due respect, it is too soon to feel deflated and negative. IVF is usually a numbers game, the more you do the more chances.

This is your first transfer, it usually takes 3 PGT embryos to get a live birth. I've been in this journey for 5.5 years but I'm a complicated case. You are so young, have so much time and options. If after 3 transfers you don't get implantation, I would suggest you ask for "The Bondi Protocol" which helps with repeated implantation failure, it uses steroids, blood thinners and aspirin.

I noticed many IVF doctors like to be generic, so it's best that you get informed, read blogs, books and you also give them suggestions for your next protocol.

If you still anxious because it's totally normal, make a plan, e.g. I will give this clinic 2 rounds before I change clinic or doctor, etc.

Good luck!

Hi,

I don't have much to add to that said above, other than that multiple transfers are generally going to increase your odds massively. When I put our details into an online model for success, we had about 60% chance of a live birth from 1 IVF cycle and this rose to over 90% over 6 cycles.

I can definitely sympathise with struggling to imagine a fulfilled future without children, although I am managing to hold those thoughts at bay at the moment. I am so sorry they are tormenting you.

I think therapy in your native language sounds like a really good idea, and I very much hope you are blessed with a child soon.