How to approach friend about pregnancy sensitively

[SP346]

I’ll try to keep this as short as I can.

My husband and I tried to conceive our first baby for 18 months. During this time, we had multiple fertility tests, had paid to be seen privately to skip waiting lists, and received a diagnosis for unexplained infertility in the 18th month. We were also placed on a waiting list for fertility treatments. On month 19, however, a miracle happened and we fell pregnant.

I told two close friends straight away as they were fully aware of our fertility journey and I wanted their support should anything happen. A week after telling them, one of the friends (we’ll call her Anna) told me that she was 10 weeks pregnant and went into detail about how it was unplanned, how they weren’t even trying, etc. I found this extra detail a bit hurtful considering my past but I swept it under the rug and let go as I wanted to focus on my news now.

During Anna’s 12 week scan, she discovered that her baby had unfortunately stopped growing at 7 weeks and that she had a missed miscarriage. I was heartbroken for her. She insisted continuously from this that she wanted me to still discuss my pregnancy and didn’t want me to hide what I had fought so long for. However, I made the decision not to discuss my pregnancy as I really did not want to hurt Anna.

The week I turned 7 weeks pregnant, Anna asked me how far along I was (we weren’t talking about pregnancy originally, she changed the subject). I said 7 weeks and she went very quiet, then made an excuse to quickly leave. I texted her to see if she was ok but had no response. 3 days later she replied saying that hearing I was 7 weeks was too hard for her and too painful a reminder. I felt so guilty but she did ask me how far along I was so I thought she would be ok.

Fast forward to today which was my 12 week scan. Anna wished me good luck and said she wanted to hear all about it and to see the scan picture.

My scan went really well and baby is actually measuring a week ahead. Anna messaged shortly after insisting I let her know my news there and then. I texted her back to say the scan went really well and she never replied to me. Ever since this, she has shared 10 different quotes to her Instagram story about how insensitive it is to discuss pregnancy in front of friends suffering with infertility, how hard pregnancy announcements are for her, etc. It’s made me feel so guilty and I’ve spent all day feeling so sad for her. I really thought she would be ok as she insisted on knowing how I got on.

I know first hand how hard seeing pregnancy announcements is so I really do sympathise. I’m not sure what to do to move forward. Should I apologise to Anna, or contact her, or give her space?

I have reached out but she hasn’t replied. The only contact I’ve had from her is indirect messages in our big friend group chat where she has made excuses to pull out of every social event we should both be going to.

I sympathise so much and I don’t want our friendship to be affected. I just can’t understand why she insisted on asking how I got on to then acting like this from my reply.

How do I approach this?

I’m sorry if it sounds harsh but I don’t think Anna is as good a friend to you as you are to her….

Sounds like she is asking you for details so she can then be upset or offended by them.

Of course her upset is genuine about the miscarriage but it seems that maybe she now wants the attention of being seen as the ‘infertile’ one in the group and the attention & sympathy that comes with that.

As someone who is facing infertility I have had times where I have had to plaster on a smile & ask all the right questions to a pregnant friend or relative then have gone home and cried for hours.

I don’t think people are being insensitive and I would never wish to distract from their happiness, whatever I am going through.

You have had your own struggles and you shouldn’t let anyone take your happiness away from you, of course you need to be sensitive but you shouldn’t have to feel that you are walking on egg shells.

And congratulations on your pregnancy 💕

Agree with PP. I wouldn't want others to feel bad when they should be feeling excited about their pregnancy. Even if it's hard for me to hear the news I wouldn't show it in public. Just at home with my DH. I certainly wouldn't post it all over social media so that affects what people feel they can tell me. I want friends to feel like they can tell me anything they need to.

I'd just give her space if that's what she allegedly wants. And surround yourself with positivity. Congratulations OP!

@SP346 it sounds like Anna's head is all over the place, and that she doesn't know what she wants, could the social media be about someone else? Is Anna a very good friend, if so then can you set some boundaries together?

After a difficult infertility journey that my friend experienced on the same timeline she got pregnant and my situation was getting worse and worse at this point. It was so upsetting and triggering for me to hear about pregnancy. We decided to set the boundary that she would only tell me about the pregnancy, if something was going wrong. While she was pregnant I got pregnant from my 5th transfer but it was a chemical, my 6th worked and I've just given birth, my friend has a 6 month old. It was tough but we were able to maintain the friendship.

You’ve done nothing wrong, OP, so nothing to apologise for. I would just give her space until she feels ready to see/talk to you. If you’re worried about how she’s doing, maybe ask another friend in the group to check in with her. I’d expect they might also be concerned as she’s been pulling out of lots of activities.

I've been in a very similar situation with one of my friends who wanted to know everything about my journey with infertility but then when I asked her to back off she took it very badly and dis all the general sharing of emotional quotes about friendship on Facebook and Instagram. We don't talk anymore and to be honest it was the best thing for both of us at the time and still is.

You need to know that whatever she is posting is her needing to get something out but not having the appropriate avenue to do it in, it's not a reflection on you.

I would message her (if she won't meet up) and just have a conversation saying you understand how she is feeling and you want to be there for her but you also need to concentrate on yourself and your baby and reading those things is hurtful to you. I would maybe suggest she get some counselling so she is directing her feelings elsewhere out of yoir friendship group. But I'd also say you are going to give her space but the door is open when she is feeling better about it.

It's a tough one as everyone reacts differently and it's impossible to guess what will happen in the future. But if she is a good friend, she will come around and realise what she has done was a reaction and not fully thought through.

I hope it works out x

I would take a step back, from what you have written then you have done nothing wrong. I appreciate it must be tough for Anna but it’s just one of those things. She really didn’t need to elaborate on them “not really trying”.

People are too often insensitive about fertility issues. I used to have a friend who went berserk as it took them 6 months to conceive. We had been trying for 4 years with no luck, 6 rounds of Clomid and 1 round of IVF. She took it upon herself to tell me to “be patient”. It’s part of the reason we aren’t friends.

Congratulations!