Guilt of secondary infertility

[Waitingforsummer25]

Currently laying in bed sobbing that I have failed to give my 6 year old a sibling. Today it broke my heart to hear them ask me if a sibling meant a brother , sister or baby. Then to go through her whole class listing everyone that had a sibling. I think there are only 2 other ‘onlys ‘ out of a class of nearly 30. I have had 3 goes at ivf, last one ending in miscarriage. I just feel so so sad that I can’t give her a sibling. She never directly asks of talks about it. I feel like she knows it’s a sensitive topic. I’m just so heartbroken to be in this situation 😞

@Waitingforsummer25 sending you a big hug. I completely feel you - exactly in the same position. My daughter is a similar age and we live in a country where we have no family besides myself my husband and our DD, so I feel so much pressure to organise play dates, be her sibling at home, make holidays super fun and engaging. There is the guilt and also the feeling of so much pressure that what if I died - who will do all this for her? I do believe in miracles though so please don’t give up hope! Have you tried therapy? I’ve been through therapy and it’s helped me a lot to reframe things in my mind.
sending you lots of love 🧡

Thankyou for your response, I know I feel everything you’ve said. I have 4 siblings myself so know the fun I had growing up, it’s so sad that so will never have that even If I was to get pregnant soon. The relationship will be very different to what I had growing up.. not given up hope, we have 4 embryos left and still relatively young, especially in terms of ivf. I will be arranging counselling, I lucky to get a few free session through work insurance so hopefully it will help. Just worry that even if I’m a peace with it I’ll still have this longing for my daughter.

I can relate to being the DC in this situation. Mum had three miscarriages and a still birth and eventually decided to stop trying for a second child. Dad was upset about it, he wanted a big family. At the time I was between the ages of 7-10 when this was happening and I think I probably didn't help the situation, I'd draw siblings in family pictures etc.

It's taken for me to have my own fertility issues to really appreciate the emotional rollercoaster mum must have been going through. Especially back in the 90s when nobody talked about this stuff and dad was not the feminist he tries to be now. If I could go back in time I'd try to get my mum to talk more about how TTC made her feel and how hard it was for her. Because we just didn't talk about it and that left me with so many questions as to why it was just me, like I was convinced it was my fault

I occasionally feel like I missed out having siblings but I have a wider "family" of friends my age and they will be my children's aunties and uncles. Playing by myself as a child has made me an extremely creative person which is great for my job. Being an only child certainly doesn't define me and it won't define your DC if it ends up that way.

I was in the same situation a few years ago. My son was about 5 years old and kept asking us about a sibling all the time. We were TTC and it broke my heart every time I got those bloody negatives.

Our struggle ended up being 7 years with multiple ectopics and two of them being emergencies where I lost both fallopian tubes.

Our son actually stopped asking at some point and the older he got he became happier having all the attention to himself 🙈

BUT we finally got our miracle IVF rainbow baby 7 years after starting TTC and at that point our boy was 12 years old!

And honestly, he was not super excited about the news at first. But he absolutely adores his little brother now and we are going for another transfer next week 😱

I was so sad about the age gap at first and found it all so unfair. But now I'm seeing how wonderful it is that my older son understands and will remember these times when he's older and he can take a more active part in everything.

Wishing you all the best xxx

Thank you so much @CatmumTTC for sharing your story and being so honest and truthful.

@beibikeiks thank you so much for the words of reassurance - so much needed tonight! Do you mind me asking you how old you were when you finally conceived baby number 2 and now? I am 36 and sometimes worry about my age and the time ticking….

I really feel for you
I have a similar situation to @beibikeiks

My son was four when we started trying for a second but it took five years and he was nine when we finally conceived on our second IVF cycle….DS loves his baby sister and although in my mind I imagined having two boys four years apart, I have actually loved having a big age gap and a boy and a girl. He thinks she’s incredibly cute and she thinks he’s her hero

I was 38 when we finally conceived our second and started our journey at 33 so our infertility wasn’t age related, it was ‘unexplained’.

Just wanted to say to not worry about the age gap at all as that has a funny wag of working out perfectly.

Wishing everyone on this thread the best x

@CoCoffeePlease2024 I was 34 when we conceived the second one and I'm turning 36 this year and hoping to transfer again 😊

@mappedhearts I'm glad it worked out for you too. Secondary infertility can be so awful when you have that extra worry of an age gap on top of everything 😩