Will the pain ever end? Because I can't take it anymore

[hopelessnc15354256]

I wasn't sure where to post this just searching for solidarity I suppose. I'm sorry if I've posted in the wrong place I was just trying to find people who might understand or relate.

I'm not sure if this should have a trigger warning.

My workplace posts new baby announcements on our intranet home page every time an employee or their partner has a baby.

Lovely news for people, lovely that their employer wants to recognise important life events. I know it means a lot to people.

But there are currently 7 baby announcements on the homepage as latest news. There are 4 items of actual work news. If I need to find older work news I have to scroll past baby photos at regular intervals.

There was yet another one added today and as happy as I am for their lovely news, I felt like I'd been stabbed in the chest. I sat there and felt all the glimmers of hope that my life could still be okay some way one day just drain out of me.

Now I'm lying in bed crying instead of sleeping and feeling like my life is worthless and pointless. Was just thinking how good it would be if my boiler exploded and killed me in my sleep tonight.

Just anything to not wake up tomorrow for another day of being surrounded by everybody else's happiness and knowing it will never be my turn. I will never be the one excitedly choosing my favourite photo of my newborn to share. Or receiving new baby flowers. I'm never going to experience any of that life stage that everyone around me takes for granted.

Nothing in my life will ever happen that my employer or colleagues value enough to announce or celebrate like this. By extension I have no value as a childless woman.

It's the same out of work, but work used to be my respite from the grief and now it's not.

I don't see any reason to continue my life. I'd be so happy and relieved if I just never woke up again. It would be the best outcome.

Nothing is ever going to make this okay, is it?

@hopelessnc15354256 I'm sorry your feeling like this, you are not alone, I know it's hard to believe sometimes!
It sounds like you may benefit from speaking to a fertility councillor or your GP if you are feeling so low
I know it doesn't seem like anything anyone says can help the hurting but it could help
Sending love OP 💐

I would like to add the same comment as above: please speak to someone. How you feel now can change.

Unfortunately, workplaces (or people in general) are not usually the most sensitive environments. People only share happy news (I mean, look at Instagram!). In reality, everyone struggles with various things in life.

One of the most helpful advice I have received from a therapist is that there are many ways to become a parent. It gave me hope and peace to think that even if fertility treatments don't work, I can find a way to become a parent some other way. Or even if I don't, there are other ways to relate to people without feeling isolated. I know it's not very easy though.

You have done a good thing posting on here. What helps me the most is being connected to people who have gone through similar struggles.

Sending you love. Take care of yourself.

@hopelessnc15354256 so sorry to hear of your pain, infertility is just awful isn’t it. When I think about it I’d rather have an actually ‘disease’ that could either be treated or is fatal whereas the hard part of infertility is for a lot of people you can’t treat it, we are just finding ways around it. And even then when treatments don’t seem to work we still have to go and continue life as normal.

Ive found unfortunately many people are completely oblivious to the pain and heartache we go through to try and become parents and it’s only when they are educated/come across it so they become more sensitive. Even found my family really difficult with constant harassment when I’m going to have a baby. To me it seems crazy that it’s never crossed their mind that actually we are struggling. But it’s hard isn’t it to judge people when they just are unaware of our situation.

it may not feel like it at the moment but you have many values as a childless women, and potentially many values that people with children may not have. Have you got support through your family/friends? Could you reach out to other forms of contact either via GP/samaritans/the fertility network? As mentioned above reaching for help when you are really struggling so you can get support and taking one day at a time is the hardest part 🫂

You are not alone here, if you feel you want to talk happy for you to DM me ❤️ xxxx