Hey there, I had an ectopic pregnancy last year, our baby would have been due next week. It was an IVF baby, and the whole process along with losing the pregnancy very dramatically with emergency surgery, losing my right tube, everything just broke me. I understand how you’re feeling and can only send you a massive hug and tell you that whilst it hasn’t stopped hurting for me yet, things will get more manageable and life will look more positive again.
It is so early, it sounds like you really are in the thick of it right now- I would suggest trying not to think about how you will manage in the future and just take one day at a time at the moment. I found I just couldn’t stop crying for weeks afterwards, anywhere and everywhere and had to take a bit of time off work before I was able to function even remotely normally, even after I had healed from the surgery.
I don’t know exactly what will work for you, but maybe if I write down some of the things that helped me you might find some of them supportive:
I bought a really nice notebook and wrote down the entire story of our little one’s life and the whole experience. I wrote it to them and stuck in the early scan pics and things. I could only do this after a few weeks though as it was too hard to do straight away, but I was so worried about forgetting things I found it useful and cathartic to get it all down somewhere permanent.
There is a lot of online support from women who have been through the same experience - maybe check out Zoe Clarke-Coates Instagram @ zoeadelle and her books and charity Saying Goodbye. There’s also the Ectopic Pregnancy Trust and Tommys, the latter has help services where you can speak to or email a nurse. I did this and I got the loveliest email from them.
Let your husband know what’s going on with you and how much it’s affecting you. If you are able to, consider talking to someone professional like a grief counsellor.
I am so sorry this has happened to you, I understand it hurts like nothing else and it changes you forever. But you will get through this and be able to live normally again, eventually. But that’s not the same as getting over it and moving on, I think most women who experience this carry it with them always. I know it sounds trite but this is when we realise how strong we really are.
Please feel free to message me if you would like to, I’m here and I get it xxx