Sharing my rollercoaster and how I feel RN

[ICG1988]

So i've just experienced my first ever BFP in 3.5 years after going through 4 fresh and 1 frozen cycles of IVF.... this has now just turned out to be a chemical :'(

I've just stopped taking my progesterone and now waiting for my bleed before I can think about going again in the new year. Feel absolutely gutted.

Whilst all this has been going on recently my friend has just given birth to the 2nd child she's conceived in the 3.5 years I've been on this rollercoaster of a ride. And I can't bring myself to go and visit her and the new baby at all. She's going to think I'm a bad friend.

I have my school friend's Xmas catch up arranged in a few weeks which I am already planning on bailing on because one of the girls is 7 months pregnant and I can't face to be around that either, with everyone coo-ing over her bump and talking baby related things.
The annoying thing is i really could do with a good night out with friends but this isn't going to be fun for me so I'm just feeling more and more miserable.

Then to top it off.. I have suspicions that BIL wife 'might' be pregnant and that they 'might' announce it at Christmas so I'm already thinking If that did happen I don't think I would be able to hold in tears and hide how devastated I'd feel. None of DH are aware of our situation and he does not want to tell them (he is a very private person). So I'm trying to think of how to get out of going to in- laws for Christmas now just 'in case' of a pregnancy announcement. How bat-shit do I sound?!

Does anyone else who's on this rollercoaster think I'm crazy or is this common?! Please feel free to share your stories!

Hi!

You are not a horrible person, I promise you. All the emotions you are feeling right now are very normal. Infertility is tough and you need to protect yourself, even if this means not attending some social events. It is easy to say "just suck it up and go", things are more complicated than that. And it is not about the person or their pregnancies, but it is a reminder of your own struggles.
I have been through infertility for the past 5 years and I had to attend numerous baby announcements and parties. Only yesterday I had to attend to a baptism party while today I need to start the treatment for the 4th FET. I cried my eyes out Friday and while I know it sounds irrational, I cried for my so longed baby that has yet to come.
Time has healed a bit of my pain but I know I will never be the same person I used to be before I started this awful journey. I have my mum, my husband and a couple of friends that know about it and sometimes if I am really upset, I speak to them just to get it out of my chest.
I have no advice to give you, other than protect yourself and if you feel like not doing something, don't do it.
Hugs!

@Mistymist
Thanks for taking the time to reply. It's just comforting to know that I'm not alone in feeling all this. I think with this time of year coming too makes it harder, but we must do what we can to protect ourselves.

Recently I've made plans to do activities that I would not be able to do whilst pregnant so I've decided to get in the mindset of making the most of being child free/ not pregnant and thinking about booking some nice trips away before starting another frozen cycle!

You are not alone, unfortunately there are many people who share these feelings, I wish we didn't! Like @Mistymist said, protect you, even if you need to tell a little white lie about why you can't attend something you don't want to go to. For the last few years I've put myself in positions I didn't want to be in just to put on a fake smile for other people, this weekend I declined a baby shower, for the first time I said no and I honestly felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It's sad we feel this way but I try to stay positive by thinking it will (hopefully) be me one day. Sending love x

Hi OP. You're not alone at all. I've been going through this for 4 years and it's been hard from the start but recently, the announcements from friends/ family have really started to hurt. I was dealing with it OK but in the past year there have just been so many. One of my close friends gave birth just yesterday and I'm happy but also my heart just catches in my throat when I think about our own situation.

As others have said, you just have to give yourself time and space and it's OK if you don't feel up to being sociable and attending events or even welcoming other people's babies etc. You need to look after yourself.

Do you have any emotional support? I have a counsellor and it's really a lifesaver at the moment. I recommend it.