Sisters infertility, but I’m ready to try for a baby!

[harrietroz]

My older sister has been through 6 rounds of unsuccessful ivf. We have now found out she needs an imminent hysterectomy. I know with this will come a long journey of recovery, physically, but mentally too with the grief of now knowing it will never be possible for her.

My heart breaks for her and I have done my very best to support her throughout!

I find it difficult to voice this issue as feel selfish. Basically, my husband and I have put our lives on hold because of this situation. We were ready to try for a family a year ago, but I couldn’t bring myself m to potentially break my sisters heart any more so we put it on hold… but the situation seems to be getting tougher and tougher with this surgery imminently. I am now mid 30’s, I know I’m not getting any younger, and I’m concerned about my own fertility (we don’t know as haven’t tried yet). With all the recovery we could be on hold for another year or so, and I don’t know if I want to do that :( There’s never going to be a good time now is there?!

Would love to hear anyones similar experiences from either perspective or advice please.

Thank you in advance!

Hi op, I am so very sorry for your sister but you simply cannot put your life on hold.

I agree. It's horrible for your sister but you can't put it off. It might (hopefully) happen quickly for you but if it doesn't and you have trouble yourself, you will regret it always. I'm sure your sister would feel the same. I say this as someone with a lot experience of infertility and failed and complicated IVF.

Hi OP.
I have been through 4 years of infertility and unsuccessful treatments, so I understand what your sister is going through.
It has been the hardest thing, for both me and my husband, it is just heartbreaking and devastating all around.
But there is no way I would want any of my relatives or friends to put their lives on hold for me.
My SIL has had a baby recently and although that wasn't the easiest thing for me, any sadness I felt is far outweighed by joy. And I mean tenfold outweighed.
I don't know if your sister will be the same because I can only speak for myself, but having a niece has brought a lot of joy to our lives.
It's lovely that you care so much about your sister, but at the end of the day, this is her journey and her pain. There is nothing to be gained from not moving forwards with your own life. That only creates more sadness, and two potential families not created.
Please just carry on TTC and do not feel guilty. Yes it will be hard for your sister in some ways, but joyful in others, and none of that is your fault.

Thank you so much for your encouraging and understand words. This has been really reassuring to hear and helped me understand more from her perspective too. Thank you!

You do need to go ahead with your own plans, but you also need to be aware that your sister may not want to share in your understandable excitement if it all goes to plan for you. You should be sensitive of course but ultimately there is quite possibly nothing you can do to make your sister feel better. She is not ‘just’ infertile, she’s about to have a hysterectomy which removes all hope of being one of those ‘infertile for years then a miracle happened’ people. She will be entering menopause and maybe taking hormones and recovering from major surgery and it will be hard on her, her husband and possibly her marriage.
These are the crappy bits of life when you can’t fix things for people you love.
I don’t really identify with PP’s experience of joy far outweighing sadness but I hope your sister will. Infertility has changed my outlook into a person I didn’t want to be. I don’t want people to put their lives on hold for me, but I don’t feel excited for them (they don’t know it though, I don’t want to mar anyone’s happiness, I’ve become a great actress).

This is my fear, she is going through so much more than ever before which is going to impact her even further. It feels so wrong when this is all so fresh for her, for myself to then (potentially) fall pregnant. I don’t know how I can do that to her and I don’t want our relationship effected or her to resent me.

But, from a selfish perspective I am ready now and I don’t want to delay any further because who knows what could be happening with my body or if it’s even possible for us!

From what I gather those struggling with infertility find the pregnancy announcements, being around bumps, and the excitement of bringing home new born babies the hardest. After that, the baby stops being all the big exciting news and is just another very small family member, and is no longer something they have to cope with, they are just a part of the family and are loved.

So she won't find it easy, the news will upset her initially, but your child won't be a source of pain for long, it will just be the initial stages she has to work through, and then the baby becomes a niece or nephew and not just a trigger.

@harrietroz I’m encouraging you to be ‘selfish’ as in ‘think of yourself’. And your husband.
You probably can’t have a baby without without affecting your relationship with your sister while you’re pregnant, and possibly beyond that, but you putting your own potential happiness aside isn’t going to fix her problem.

My experience with infertility is not as @wateringcanface describes, that feels minimising to me, watching from the sidelines as babies become kids and grow up is hard, it’s not just the baby phase, but not everyone feels as I do. People do learn to live with grief though and it sounds like your DSis and DBiL will have a difficult time ahead to grieve the life they had hoped for. It’s also hard for would-be grandparents and many other relations. For yourself, I’m sure you’d love to be an auntie to your sister’s child.
Life has been very unfair for one of my siblings, I can’t fix it, I wish I could. Maybe some aspects of my life are difficult for them too, your thread has made me reflect on that. Infertility has made me look inwards a lot of the time, I’m working on that.

There’s no easy way for you to tell your sister if/when you get pregnant, maybe you’ll tell her your TTC plans, maybe you’ll wait until you have news to share. Keep communication open and if you do get pregnant soon just don’t ever moan about symptoms to her (you sound like a lovely and thoughtful sister, I don’t think you would!)
Good luck with everything.