Advice on maintaining mental health

[Borerora]

Hi,
I'm in the very early stages of an ivf journey and really struggling with the emotional side. All I can think of are the negative possibile outcomes and I feel quite hopeless. I am well supported by a very kind husband and I have so much to be thankful for but I feel like I'm heading into a dark spiral of depression and I'm really worried about how I'll be able to cope throughout this process. There is constant baby news in my family/social circle and I feel like a terrible person for not showing enthusiasm in response. I am avoiding contact as much as possible as I'm terrified I'll react badly to people and say something horrible. I was hoping people might be able to share some advice on how they get through the bad days/coping strategies?
Sending good wishes to everyone.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's an incredibly hard wildly unpredictable journey. I've been on this road since 2018. Blessed to have 1DD, but plenty of heartbreak along the way. I have 3 pieces of advice I have given others who are starting on this journey and have asked.

1. This is not your fault. Tell yourself that over and over. Nothing you have done or are doing is causing this (within reason....I assume you're not a chain smoking alcoholic??). Trying to change your whole lifestyle on the hope you'll get pregnant is only torturing yourself on this already difficult journey. Drug addicts get pregnant. Enjoy the chocolate, have a glass of wine, get some fresh air, don't worry about losing those extra few pounds. Be kind to yourself.
2. Focus on the next step of the journey only. The end goal is to have a baby, of course. But the reality may be that this is still quite a few steps away. And there is a chance of failure at every step. Trust me, I've experienced it. Focus on the next scan, the next appointment, the next procedure and no more. Like every task or process that seems insurmountable, break it down into little digestible pieces.
3. Get counselling if you need it. Don't be shy. It does help, particularly to deal with failure.

As for dealing with pregnancies, babies etc all around you. It's s*%$. I just found politely removing myself from situations was the easiest solution. Those closest to me knew about our struggles understood and were very supportive.

It does work, it does happen, your time will come.
Look after yourself x

I relate to everything you’ve described - it sounds completely normal to me (although so hard). Infertility is a traumatic experience and I think the only way to cope is to have compassion with yourself.
I isolated myself to protect against the triggers of other people’s pregnancies and I don’t judge myself for it - it was a coping mechanism I needed at the time.
I had regular counselling which helped so much too.

Hi @Borerora . I have felt (and probably still do on some level) exactly the same. You are not alone. It's hard.

I am still avoiding anybody going through pregnancy and/or having a newborn. It's has been a lonely time but it feels better avoiding these people rather than seeing them and pretending to be excited for their lives.... it probably sounds horrible...

What has helped me deal emotionally with this process is two things primarily.

1. Counselling. Our clinic offers one free session with each treatment but we also we have private insurance and are doing therapy separately every other week (both my partner and I). If you have insurance, use it. If you can afford it without insurance, do it, even if it's once or twice a month. It costs anywhere from 60 to 100 per session, but it is totally worth it. It has helped me immensely.

1. Finding people in similar situations and trying to connect (which is what you are doing already on here). It has helped me being able to talk about the process and the feelings not only with people on mumsnet, but also it made me more open about sharing the process with other people in my life. When I first started IVF, I wasn't able to talk to anyone, I was too depressed and ashamed. Once you are able to talk about it with others, you will be amazed how many people in your immediate surrounding either have been going through the same process or know someone who has been....

It's a terrible process, probably one of the hardest things you will deal with emotionally....but you will get through it. During it, you will have bad news and you will have good news. It takes time, it takes effort. It doesn't always work right away. It's important to accept that.

The two points I mentioned above is what helped me accept any potential outcome.

Sending you the best wishes and baby dust of course ❤

Thank you so much to you all for taking the time to write such kind replies. It's such an isolating experience, and I know it's just unfortunate but it's hard not to feel like I did something wrong, when I feel I've been conditioned to believe that if I work at something I will succeed. That does not apply here! I keep thinking about myself and my body negatively and self compassion is lacking but maybe I could be kinder to myself as you say @sweetpea2000.
I know we potentially have a long and gruelling road ahead, with no certainty, but I totally agree with you @hja62 , can only take one step at a time.
I don't think what you describe sounds horrible at all @contentsmayb. I think it's perfectly reasonable and understandable. I have tried to avoid triggering in-person situations by sending congratulations by text or card etc but I'm not sure I can avoid all of them without causing an almighty row. I think people assume you're just bitter and jealous but it's a protective thing for me. I am reluctant to tell people the reason for my seemingly avoidant behaviour because it's so, so personal. It sounds though like counselling can be really worthwhile and I'm going to seek this out through the clinic to help me cope a bit better.
It means so much to hear from people who've had similar experiences and feelings, you've no idea how much this has helped me. Best wishes and baby dust to everyone💞