Today is a shit day

[lemonyfox]

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm hoping it'll be cathartic, idk.

My best friend told me today she was pregnant, 2nd month of trying.

We've been trying for a year now, with two ectopics and one lost fallopian tube. Another month, another BFN. Another month of shitty stupid PCOS, of getting my hopes up and thinking "maybe this month, maybe we'll be lucky this time" and it not working.

I was so happy for her all day whilst I was with her, and as soon as the door closed behind her I've been a wreck. These emotions are so difficult to deal with - being happy for someone, and feeling like absolute shit, at the same time.

She's going to be spending the next few weeks and months growing a baby, getting excited, wanting to talk about it. I'm going to spend the next few weeks and months going through fertility tests and thousands of pounds on IVF.

I know I'm being negative, I need to wallow and pity myself for a day or two and then get back to it. But it's fucking shit and I wondered if there was anybody else who can understand how I'm feeling and let me know your experiences of staying positive in situations like this. I feel so sad.

I completely understand and the feelings you’re describing are so normal.
Pregnancy announcements are one of the hardest things to deal with when you’re going through infertility. I isolated myself a lot to protect myself from these feelings (plus I didn’t want to tell people and didn’t have the energy to act normal). Counselling really helped me (but is obviously expensive).

There are also accounts like Fertility Life Raft on IG that helped normalise these kind of feelings and make sense of them.

Your feelings are so normal and completely understandable- you’re really not alone.

Thanks @sweetpea2000 that's really kind of you, I'll have a look at them on Instagram too

Whoever has lived infertility, is familiar with the shit feeling. It is worse when people close to you get pregnant ( some without even trying!!).

I gave myself time and space to recover from every loss. I didn't share my struggles with anyone and it helped me a lot. We knew we were doing everything possible and talking to other people and hearing suggestions was.not going to help. Like PP said, counselling will help.

I hated when consultants said it will get better, no one knows.

Right now you need to take care of yourself, allow space and time as much as you need, so that you can think clearly about what you need for next steps.

Thank you @Arewetherenow

I was going through my first miscarriage when a girl at work kept taking time off for vomiting. I just knew what that meant and it was so upsetting. When she finally said she was pregnant it was even harder. She even had the same due date. Even worse was going on to have two more miscarriages while 3 other people I work closely with announced they were pregnant. Having 4 pregnant colleagues was horrendous and even though I have now had a baby I still feel very upset about that time. It is totally normal to feel the way you do. You really just have to protect yourself as much as you can. Wishing you your own good news soon xx

@Laurabeee that sounds really tough, I'm not surprised you still feel that way about that time in your life. I'm happy to hear you were successful eventually, that's lovely after so much heartache. Thanks for your kind words!

Sorry to hear that. I completely understand as I have been in the same shoes. It’s so hard. You struggle between being a good friend and choosing your mental health. Ultimately in this point in life I chose myself. People who have not gone through this struggle will never understand.

You will have shit days and good days. But if I were to give any advice it would be to choose what is best for you in this point in life, connect with people who have been in the same shoes, it helps so much. There will be other opportunities in future to give your time and love to your current friends. Right now, your own life and happiness is more important ❤️

@contentsmayb you're right, absolutely, it's just hard making that decision isn't it. Thanks for your support x