MF Infertility destroying me and relationship

[ConfusedKangaroo]

Partner has MF infertility - due to nature of the issue ICSI etc is not an issue. There is just no sperm. We looked into adoption, but decided it’s not for us. We are now looking at donor - but partner only wants to do this if we use double donation (ie donor eggs and donor sperm) without even trying with my eggs first.

I’m just devastated. I’ve had therapy but it was through NHS and has now ended. I can’t emotionally face having to go through everything with a new therapist - and you are not allowed to stay on privately with NHS therapist.

Ive been secretly buying baby things (books, toys etc) and putting them in a cupboard.

I can’t talk with my partner as he just gets so angry every time we try to have a conversation.

I don’t know what to do. It is all just so, so unfair. I just want to have a family and it seems like everyone around me - siblings, friends, colleagues - is able to do this so easily.

it’s affecting everything - my relationship, my friendships and family relationships as I’m finding it difficult to be around people with babies who just don’t understand, my work… I feel like everything is on the verge of collapse. And I feel so, so alone.

Please don't feel alone. Although it seems that everyone gets pregnant at the drop of a hat it's really not the case. Plenty of people struggle including myself

My partner received a diagnosis of azoospermia in July so I know how devastating this all is. We are currently waiting on his urology referral for further investigation.

Nothing that I say is going to make the situation that you are facing any easier but I hope it helps you to feel less alone.

I do think it sounds quite unfair of your partner to insist on a donor egg. Is there really no changing his mind? Do you feel like your relationship will survive this? You could always do it alone and use a sperm donor? (I hope you don't think I'm being insensitive, just trying to offer some form of solution maybe)

I'm sending lots of love and I honestly do know how you feel. Praying that we both get our babies somehow 🙏🏾💖

@Creatingspace thank you for replying and I’m so sorry you’re also going through this. My partner hasn’t seen a urologist - even though I called around and sent him details of several (including Dr Ramsay) He says there is no point (and I think he is probably right, but would really like him to go anyway to confirm this). I am doing all the research and everything alone. He just won’t engage. I don’t know how our relationship can survive this tbh. It doesn’t just seem unfair on me to not try using my own eggs but on any potential child. And if he gets angry just talking about it with me, how are we ever going to talk about it with a child without them feeling like it’s something to be ashamed of. Everything just feels so difficult. He’s downstairs not talking to me now because I got upset this morning after finding out a friend was pregnant. So now I feel like the bad person, and like I’m not allowed to feel upset by this whole situation. I feel so emotionally broken. I do hope that everything works out for you and your husband

@ConfusedKangaroo

Dealing with friends etc pregnancies is extremely difficult. For some reason it doesn't affect men in the same way. I guess it's because well for me anyway pregnancy is something that I really want to experience. Because a man wouldn't have that experience anyway they don't seem to understand.

There has been a lot of heel dragging from my partner but eventually I made him see that although it's his diagnosis we must face this together. If you don't mind me asking, what's his diagnosis? If it is azoospermia there is a wonderful thread on here called azoospermia part 2 The original thread is good too. The couples on there have had successful surgical sperm removal directly from the testicles and then had IVF with ICSI. There's a few posters that have had their babies now and a few that are currently pregnant. I learnt a lot from just reading that thread.

If you can I'd definitely try and get him to start investigations. You never know something could still be done? It's very difficult as women as we know that if it was us with the problem we would be doing everything possible to understand what's going on and know our options.

How long have you been dealing with this for? x

Sounds like he's struggling with the idea that he would be the only one with a genetic to the child if you were to go down the single donor route.

Perhaps needs assuring you'll love him all the same and that it takes more genetics to make a father, or to have a strong father- child relationship.

Unless he is doing absolutely everything he can to improve the situation - and exploring every avenue - which doesn't sound like he is - he is in no position to enforce using donor eggs on you OP

Hey @ConfusedKangaroo we were briefly in contact on a different thread.

I am a mum via egg donation, and I would say I would not have agreed to it without trying with my own eggs first, unless people know for a fact there is a big issue with their own eggs or they want to avoid passing on a genetic condition it would be very unusual as a first step.

I would recommend you get in touch with the Donor Conception Network.

You are rightly concerned about how your DH would speak to any potential child about their conception. I can only imagine how alone you feel so I’d suggest counselling for you with someone experienced in infertility and donor conception to see what you want. I personally would not end a relationship because of a person’s infertility itself, but how people react to adversity once given a fair chance to process things and act tells you a lot and if there is no compromise to be had it might be that the relationship would be full of resentment. Counselling might help you organise your own feelings. To be clear I don’t think you using donor eggs just to ‘even the score’ is an acceptable compromise. Nobody has to agree to donor conception, it can be a step too far for some and that is fine, but not being on the same page needs to be discussed eventually, not buried in the sand.

As a suggestion he could be looking at the DCN network and reading stories of fathers by sperm donation.

@ConfusedKangaroo have you exhausted all options with your partner? Is surgical sperm retrieval an option??

My DP has azoospermia and prior to his micro-tese we spoke about donor sperm (something he is not comfortable with at all but would consider as an absolute last resort). However, it's also me that's not comfortable with using donor sperm but for some reason I would be happier with double donation, I'm unsure why I feel this way.

Feel free to join us on the Azoospermia support thread if you haven't found us already.

Azoospermia support - Part 2 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/infertility/4925174-azoospermia-support-part-2

Hi @ConfusedKangaroo, I just came across this thread and your situation has a few similarities with what I’ve been through. Firstly, you are definitely not alone. Unfortunately a lot of other couples find themselves in a similar situation.

My DH was initially very sensitive about this whole issue and I felt like I was dragging him to doctors appointments, and stepping on eggshells around him. I raised the idea of using donor sperm with him and like your husband he felt that we should do the double donation. I think he felt like I would be having another man’s child, and that he would be an outsider. However he did say that it was only once donor sperm was the only option that he would know how he actually felt about it.

DH recently had a micro-test which was successful. We still can’t believe it.

Things that I learnt is that I needed to push things along but also give him space. He needed to talk about things in his own time. I imagine there is a lot of guilt and feeling of inadequacy, which is maybe resulting in your DH pushing you away. I also think my DH was hesitant to investigate his issue with doctors in case the worst happened, he preferred living with the possibility of a good outcome.

Hope this helps and you are doing ok. It’s a horrible situation to be in but hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel for all of us.

Hi OP, so sorry you are going through this. We also have MFI and unfortunately our religion/community doesn't allow donor conception of any kind, which is a whole different issue I won't get into! But I think as others have said it is I guess for him dealing with the fact that his partner is carrying and giving birth to another man's child that he is struggling to come to terms with. Also feeling like less of a 'man' as he can't give you a child.
I think men generally talk less about their feelings and this is a lot to process. I agree to speak to the donor conception network as I am sure this is something they see commonly and yes there are treatments for azoospermia such as TESE which can help and you could perhaps explain that and ask him to see a urologist?
He may need some time to process this in his own way, he may just be in denial right now or trying to block it, I know time is sometimes against us with fertility though. I think pushing things along but not doing too much at once so you don't overwhelm him.
Do you have the funds to do private counselling? If it was helpful I would see if you can do this.
I totally understand the strain this has on relationships and I've yelled at DH loads of times but I am not mad at him just the situation. Everyone around me has kids and I feel hopeless so I do get that and so sorry, you're definitely not alone. X