How to deal with family pregnancy announcements when going through IVF?

[Blossomofhope]

I feel pathetic writing this but the last treatment cycle we went through we found out my sister in law was pregnant. Now this ivf cycle we’ve just found out my partners sister in law is pregnant. My partner has taken this surprisingly well - maybe because he thinks this cycle will be successful for us.

But I genuinely don’t know how to deal with this news, they got pregnant immediately after getting married. And my sister in law got pregnant accidentally. Both couples are younger and married and we delayed getting married to have a baby. My partner and I have been trying for over two years and this is our fifth treatment cycle. I feel like I just want to shut myself away from everyone. Im already thinking Christmas will be unbearable.

I suppose im asking how others in this situation have coped because i cant cope.

@Blossomofhope I'm sorry your finding it all difficult to cope with. I honestly feel your pain.
We prioritised marriage and house ect to have ķids as we've known a very long time we needed help . Everyone around me is super fertile. Vast majority of my friend group ended up unintentionally pregnant after one night stands / brief relationships. The rest were married and pregnant seemingly on the honeymoon. Infertility is incredibly soul destroying. I've shut myself off quite a alot socially as I found it all to difficult being around friends and either listening to them whinge about having kids and not having free time to go out at weekends or else listening to them go on and on about the kids. I've never shared my struggled but I'm sure it sure it figures as I've been with my partner now 19 years and no children.
Christmas is hard. Everyone is excited about Christmas with the kids. My partner is always annoyed that I don't go to his family home but to be honest I just find it all so difficult. His brother has 3 kids. One with his ex wife , married one month and pregnant the next. When they split he got with another woman and had another kid and 3 months after she gave birth she was pregnant again. Sometimes it causes tension between us as I get that's his family but I can't bear to be there as house is always filled with kids stuff and if it's not that his mother's constantly talking about the kids. Part of you just feels very excluded from everything and I often struggle with my inability to pregnant. I personally feel like a failure as a woman and that's so hard for me to deal with that it affects my everyday life. I think its got worse over the years as I'm at the stage now wondering if it'll ever happen as I'm 38 now and realise my time to become a mother is running out .
I thought I'd just share a little more about me so you know your not alone on this journey

Thank you so much for being so honest @MoonlightDreamer, it means so much. ❤️ I feel similar to you feeling like a failure - I think I carry around this shame with me and when I hear another person close to us has got pregnant so easily I feel so devastated for us. This whole experience has created a deep sadness in me that I’ve never had before and although my partner also desperately wants kids too, it just doesn’t upset him in the same way. Hearing about his sister in law today made his day - which is so sweet and makes me question why my reaction is so bitter but maybe it’s a bit different as a woman, I’m not sure.

I can totally understand you shutting yourself off socially, I’ve been doing that too. It’s tricky when it’s family though. I so hope you have some luck soon. ❤️ It’s such a horrible journey. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Hi OP it is really hard, I'm sorry. When I was in a similar position to you, I sometimes missed a family meet up and other times I'd go, but just for the last hour or so - I'd arrange to meet a friend beforehand, or sometimes I was actually at an IVF appointment, which I never mentioned. It did help a bit to think I didn't want any or their children - I wanted my own. But honestly, if sometimes it's too much for you, I wouldn't put yourself through it.

Ya thank you. I was trying to be the bigger person earlier this year hosting my fam knowing there’d be lots of baby chat. I didn’t anticipate it happening in my parents side of the family just yet. So hoping this month works out for us so it takes some pressure off. Thanks for your message.

Sorry your feeling like this OP, I can relate to how your feeling, it isn't easy, 2 of my best friends have both been pregnant and had their babies all in the time we have been trying, we are due to start IVF in the next couple of months. It feels completely unfair, wishing you all the luck with this cycle 💝

@Blossomofhope life is really unfair sometimes. How old are you if you mind me asking ?
Do you have a particular issue or is it just unexplained infertility or age related perhaps?
I suspect mine is age related as neary 40. It's likely a quality thing. If your younger then I'd try not to worry as it's probably just a case of when and not if

@Lilacdream I’m 34, turning 35 in a few weeks. We started trying when I was 32. Ya we’ve always been unexplained but recently my partner had sperm tested again and it had changed since last year and now there’s lower morphology. My amh was also 12ish last year and now it’s 5 - not sure if the treatment cycles have affected it. But either way we are both worse off than last year which is so disappointing when we’ve put our heart & soul into this and being healthy.

I think now it’s been over two years I’ve accepted well most likely need help to ever be successful. I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling too. Have you tried or considered any kind of treatment? ❤️

@waitingforourmiracle It does seem so unfair. I keep thinking I’m being punished for something which of course is totally irrational but it’s hard to be rational 😅
Thank you so much - I wish you all the luck in the world too!!

Been there too OP it’s a shit place. We’d been trying 7 years when my SIL announced their happy accident with a scan photo at a family birthday dinner and just stared at us knowing full well there was nowhere to escape. That’s one of the worst nights of my life I’ll never forget it. Luckily this was at the start of 2020 so lockdown was a saving grace in that respect we didn’t have to see her.

Fast forward to 2022 and after 9 years it finally happened for us. She wasn’t pleased as by this point she thought she’d have the monopoly on grandchildren. We think as soon as she found out they started trying as come the end of the year she was crying how depressed she was suffering from
secondary infertility as it hadn’t happened in the first month again but it only took six in the end. I also ended up getting pregnant 4 months postpartum meaning these new cousins are only going to be a few weeks apart. This went down like a lead balloon that I had stolen her thunder. It wasn’t intentional at all. Things have been better over time but the years of infertility never leave you ❤️

@rainbowtea23 Thank you so much for your message and the reassurance. Your SIL doesn’t sound like the nicest character. So good you had a happy ending but it doesn’t surprise me that it’s had a lasting affect, it’s so tough. It’s so wild it took you 9 years and then it happened a few months after having a baby! I feel like I’m in this never ending fertility trap. I can’t wait til it’s all behind us and I so hope we have that happy ending.

At the end of 2021 I was done in so many ways. Emotionally I had given up on it ever happening. That autumn I started training for a new role in my company and wanted to see what life we could make without children. I feel like I became that cliche it happened after I gave up but it did and I’ll never know quite why it did. We had unexplained infertility nothing obviously wrong from what we’d tested. Couldn’t get treatment due to my BMI even losing weight previously didn’t help. Ironically I was at my heaviest in about 5 years when we conceived.

I spent my first pregnancy in this almost fog like state of denial that it was happening. It was all I’d wanted but it felt like I was watching it happen to someone else at times. Hard to describe, almost expecting to wake up and it had all been in my head. Think that was a bit of self protection after such a long journey. Weirdly this feeling only lifted when I started my period again two months after he was born.

When I fell unexpectedly pregnant again 4 months postpartum it felt so different from last time. I was in complete shock but was very present in the moment unlike before. Also feels incredibly strange to have perspective from the opposite side of struggling with long term infertility where couples seemingly have no problems. The past two years have been somewhat of an experience to say the least.

I wish you all the best. It’s very hard with no certain outcome but you do what you can for
you ❤️

@rainbowtea23 your story is truly amazing. I’m sorry it was such a struggle for so long.

Im also very curious how everyone’s partners have dealt with things. I know I previously mentioned when when we got the SIL news my partner was buzzing, he said it made his day. And while I think that is so sweet I’m confused as to how pregnancy announcements can make me feel so upset and pathetic but for him he only sees the good in it - which again I know is wonderful but I don’t know does it just mean I’m bitter. I hate feeling like this. It also makes me feel a bit isolated from him like I should just keep it to myself as we obv feel differently but I don’t mean to be childish about it.

Thank you all so much for your replies and sharing your stories. I really really appreciate it! ❤️
@Lilacdream @waitingforourmiracle @rainbowtea23 @jumphopskip @MoonlightDreamer

@Blossomofhope my husband would always congratulate people in person and on social media. It was different with SIL I think that’s partly as they don’t have much to do with each other. Don’t have much common ground.

2020 and 2021 when I was at my lowest he wouldn’t talk about it as it would just set me off but I knew he was feeling it just as badly as I was. He was working away a lot and meeting new people all the time and he’d get asked the inevitable question about children and it would hurt him he’d put on a brave face. Sometimes I don’t think they let it show as much as they find it hard but want to protect us too.

@rainbowtea23 ya you’re probably right ❤️