WWYD: Using final frozen embryo after miscarriage? (Title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

[MindatWork]

Hi all, I'm after some perspective as I'm torn in two directions and would be interested in hearing others' opinions.

DH and I are lucky to have our beautiful DD5 who was conceived after 5 unsuccessful rounds of IVF. We had a lot of trauma with our previous cycles, so we swore after having DD that we wouldn't do IVF to try for any more, even though we had 2 genetically-tested frozen embryos from our successful cycle.

Skip forward 5 years and we did a complete u-turn, deciding we were ready to try for another before we both got any older (DH is 42, I'm 38). The cycle was successful but I sadly had a miscarriage a month ago at almost 7 weeks. It was extremely traumatic for me and we're still getting over it (I had to have surgical management) and straight after it happened we agreed we would let our remaining embryo go as the thought of this happening again was too painful.

However, all I can think of now is that one last embryo in the freezer, and that unless we use that one too I'll never feel really 'done'. We could afford another FET but not a fresh cycle so that's out of the question.

We are fortunate to have a comfortable life with DD, we're lucky to have lots of friends with kids of a similar age and cousins nearby for days out and holidays, but it makes me so sad she'll never have a sibling. I'm extremely close to my 2 sisters, and DD cried this morning when she asked when she was getting a little brother or sister and we had to gently explain to her (in an age appropriate way) that it isn't going to happen.

DD has just started reception and every morning and afternoon I'm surrounded by buggies with babies and toddlers. I know in my bones I have it in me to parent another child - I want it so so much, I just can't get my body to do it.

It's so crazy because I was always really dismissive of women who posted about secondary infertility - after all, what could you possibly be sad about when you already have one child? I hope this doesn't upset anyone ttc their first baby - believe me I'm well aware how lucky we are.

So what would you do? Would you leave it there and take the miscarriage as a sign you're meant to be a family of 3? Or would you go for one more try, knowing that it might end in another traumatic miscarriage or worse?

Thanks for reading x

Sorry to hear you’ve had such a rough time. If it were me, I’d definitely use it as otherwise I might always regret it.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.

I was coming on to say exactly the same as @Blossomofhope. I am about to do a frozen transfer with my final embryo next month. I did a double transfer earlier this year which resulted in early miscarriage, but don't think I could live with not knowing.

I'm sorry you had to go through surgical management, it is so tough. I was lucky to fall pregnant with my daughter the cycle after my first miscarriage, with transfer less than two months after surgical mgmt. Good luck with whatever you choose.

I'm sorry to hear if the difficulties you have had with your first FET this time round. I think would always be left wondering what would have been of that one, and would rather give it a chance if I could afford to than be stuck with that feeling for years to come.

Thanks both for your responses. In hindsight I wish we'd had the two embryos transferred together but we have friends with one year-old twins so have seen what that entails!

This mindset of wanting to carry on regardless is exactly what stopped us doing a further FET for almost 5 years after having our daughter. I knew that once we opened ourselves up to wanting/hoping for a second then it would be a slippery slope to not stopping until we either got it, or we got to a definite end of the road (ie no more embryos).

The heart wants what it wants though I guess. I feel we're better doing it asap - while we're still in the IVF zone - than waiting another 6 months to a year and starting all over again. Then if it doesn't work at least we'll have closure.

This miscarriage has honestly been the worst thing that's ever happened to me though, and I'm terrified of it happening again. I thought the failed cycles and a couple of chemical pregnancies were bad enough but this has really floored me. I think it's the finality of it that's so painful as well, there's no 'we'll recover and then try again' like there is for women who can conceive naturally.

I've not actually spoken to DH about it yet so it may all be academic 😑.

Best of luck with your cycle @kirstysmbc .

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage 💐

I would say since you’re already on the slippery slope of wanting a second child, you can’t fool yourself that you’re not, so in your shoes I would definitely use the remaining embryo (assuming DH on board). I personally would probably also do another fresh round but that is an even more slippery slope, maybe that’s where the line would be drawn but I can’t imagine you would feel ‘content’ to stop while having an embryo already created. Unfortunately though you could have a BFN or another miscarriage (hopefully not of course) so maybe it is an option to wait a few months to build up your emotional strength.

if you’re reading any of those replies and thinking ‘hell no’ that is useful in thinking where your boundaries lie. Good luck in any case.

I would definitely try the last embryo but maybe consider counselling in the meantime to give yourself a chance to better cope with your feelings and process what has happened.