39. Clinic pushing me to use donor eggs

[Hazeydaisy]

I'm struggling to deal with my emotions after my last appointment.
I'm 39 , I know I'm not a spring chicken but I have alot of friends whos grandmother's had kids in their 40s?
Is it really impossible now adays ?
My consultant is really pushing for me to go for donor eggs . Honestly I don't feel its something I could do. I would struggle without a biological connection with my partner. We came to terms that if we could at least have one biological child, we'd be happy to adopt subsequent children. I want to have that experience of having my own child. I'll be 40 next june. He's basically telling us we're wasting our money and time ( and his) by trying to do ivf with my own eggs.
We waited a few years for nhs and still didn't get anywhere so we're now going private due to my age.
What are your thoughts on doing ivf with own eggs? Realistically ?
He said our chances are extremely low and there was the comment about some women are already grandmothers by the time they are 40 but your only trying for a baby.

Is everyone else's doctor really pushy towards using donor eggs

@SErunner I am responding to this OP which is a poster unhappy with the suggestion of donor eggs and wants a biological child and who is under 40. It is complete madness for her to not even try for a biological child. These boards have a dedicated thread on women getting pregnant over 40 btw so it’s far from impossible. I would also caution anyone who thinks donor eggs is a quick fix. It’s not as simple as use donor get pregnant for less expense. There are large implications for the child and the parents for the rest of their lives.

Apologies, your post read to me like a general statement. Of course women have babies over 40 with their own eggs, I wasn't saying they don't. But anecdotal stories don't tell you the statistics, which do you give you a fairer representation of your likelihood of success. It would be silly to base your decision on anecdotal threads on mumsnet rather than scientific fact. As I said, different routes for different people, and success rates are higher statistically with younger eggs, which donors would typically be. I'm not sure I said anywhere it was a 'quick fix' and I specifically said if it was something the person was open to (assuming they had considered all the factors). Just providing an alternative point of view for when others inevitably come across the thread during their research.

@SErunner I’m not sure where you’re getting a 5% success rate for IVF over 40. ‘Over 40’ isn’t really a helpful statistic anyway, as it would include 40 year olds as well as those up to and beyond 44, and success rates would be significantly lower for a 44 year old than a 40 year old.
Even so, the NHS quotes a success rate of 11% for women aged 40-42. OP is 39, and the success rate for 38-39 year olds is 19%. Then an individual’s chance of success within each age group obviously varies with their AMH, and other factors like sperm quality.

It is important to be realistic and informed about success rates, and OPs clinic clearly haven’t handled this conversation well and advised them effectively. But I don’t think it’s helpful to perpetuate this narrative that private IVF clinics misinform people intentionally to exploit people and make money. Many clinics, like mine, go a long way to explain the nuances of success rates and how that translates to individual circumstances and treatment options.
As you say, people may come across this thread when doing their research (which is an incredible vulnerable headspace to be in) and it’s not helpful to have an overly pessimistic view of success rates, just as much as it’s not helpful to have an overly optimistic view.

The consultant sounds horrendous!

I don’t have knowledge of PCOS but yes of course women have children in their late 30s very regularly and to be honest as someone interested in family tree research, it was the absolute norm to have children in the early forties too, just with slightly larger age gaps. Now yes, some of these women had started young and maybe were grandmothers or could have been any minute, but they were also having their own babies still.

Aside from all that his manner was terrible. Really in the wrong job. I question his motivation for pushing it.

It sounds like for you, as for me, using donor eggs would not necessarily be your choice even if it did turn out to be the only way. So even more pointless to push it.

Actually you are incorrect- success rates are very much individual and not 5% at 40. If you look at CDC and OPIS calculator you can put in your own situation to get an idea. When they say 5% over 40 they really mean 42/43 onwards. I started IVF 3 months off turning 40 had only one round collected 8-10 eggs with 3 good quality embryos success after second transfer. This is likely because I had cervical stenosis and actually needed dilation so had this been picked up I would have probably had success at first transfer I was told. IVF is such an individual thing as our bodies are all so different however I would say after 42/43 chances are very low.

Just saw your reply and agree. Whoever that poster is, is giving incorrect stats, the 5% success actually refers to natural conception. People really need to check their facts before posting as people do come across these historical threads when researching!

It is very individual, and it’s also sometimes not just the statistics that guide your decisions. As one consultant said to me, while they must give people their best interpretation of statistical chance, sometimes it is not about the detail..is it 10%, is it 2%. It’s more, is there a chance in hell? Then I’m giving it go. Not saying that is everyone’s approach but sometimes it can be. The cycle that I had my daughter they had actually offered me the option to cancel egg collection as not many follicles looked good, and then you pay for less than a full cycle. The chances were that low. But I thought well…my chances are always low, doesn’t look like any future cycles will have better odds either. I decided to give my low odds the best chance and I am sooo glad I did.

I can’t comment on why he’s said that but just to add in my experience. My first round of ivf was just after I turned 40 (high amh and high follicle count). We got 9 eggs and 7 made it to blastocyst. Second transfer resulted in my little boy and we’re just about to attempt another transfer soon