Fiancé not sure he can do IVF with donor sperm

[Stanno]

Apologies in advance for the rambling!

Met my fiancé 2 years ago when I was going on 39 and he 35. I was straight up in the beginning that I wanted a family and he agreed that he did too.

I knew fairly early on that this was the guy I’m meant to be with after after years of the wrong guys and a large amount of time spent single, I was absolutely thrilled to have finally found him.

Due to my age I decided to have fertility tests done and was told that I was where they would expect someone of my age and that we didn’t need to rush having children only 6 months into the relationship.

Whilst we didn’t ‘officially’ start trying to get pregnant, we soon became lapse with contraception.

After 9/10 months of not conceiving I pestered my fiancé enough to get him to agree to have his own fertility tests and the results were not good. Due to radiotherapy in his mid 20’s and a desire back then to stay alive rather than think about children (hence no freezing of his sperm) we were told that the radiation had caused many abnormalities with his sperm as well as a very low sperm count and chances of conceiving through IVF were around 15-20%.

Naturally both of us were devastated. He said he needed time to come to terms with the situation and we both embarked on counselling, though this has been separate.

I have always known that I want to be a mum and counselling has done nothing to change my mind about that.

Whilst we hadn’t had a big conversation about it, and because I know that he is not someone that can be rushed into making life changing decisions, when I mentioned IVF using his sperm he was adamant that this was a no go and donor sperm was our only option.

3 months on, and at the recommendation of my counsellor, I have booked an appointment with the fertility clinic to discuss options and IVF chances. He agreed to come to the appointment (in 2 days time) and therefore I embarked on a discussion last night about where his head is at.

Turns out that he still doesn’t know. He has concerns that he won’t love a baby that is not biologically his, has concerns over raising a child as an older parent, financial stress (between us we earn over £100k) and concerns over his mortality. He was honest and said that had I got pregnant naturally most of these would still have been concerns, he just wouldn’t have vocalised them. Over the last few months I have sent him numerous articles that I have found online about couples going down the donor sperm route and all day you have to be 100% certain it’s what you want. He says that’s the problem, he’s not 100%.

I love my fiancé, he’s the one I’ve waited a long time for, but I’ve yearned to be a mum for a very long time and even looked into the possibility of doing it alone several years ago, however finances and the hope I’d meet ‘the one’ stopped me.

I’m now in a position where I feel like I have to make a decision. Marry him, have a lovely life of financial stability, travel and enjoying all that those can bring, though do this childless, or end the relationship and go it alone. The very thought of not being with him brings me to tears every time, yet the fear of resentment in the years to come fills me with fear. Will I wake up at 50 full of hate for him because it’s just us?

Speaking to friends and family causes me more upset. My parents think he’s selfish for not giving me what I want (I don’t agree with this at all) and friends of mine say that I can’t give up what I’ve always told them I want for a guy I’ve known 2 years.

I’ve never felt more alone than I do right now and have no idea what do do next. Any advice/thoughts from someone that doesn’t know me would be greatly received.

This sounds incredibly stressful. You have my sympathies.

However, what’s your alternative? If you wanted to do it alone, you’d have done it. You’re now almost 42, and your chances of having a baby - either naturally or via IVF - are massively diminished. Even if your partner were 100% on board, success isn’t a foregone conclusion.

Are you willing to end your relationship in pursuit of a baby you’re unlikely to have? I’m sorry if this sounds brutal, but that’s what you’d be doing.

Such a tough decision. But on the chances of conceiving through IVF being 15-20%...is that also taking into account your age? Because if so then thats not terribly bad compared to average success rates.

I think it's something you have to make a decision on as soon as possible. With those odds, personally, I would do a round with your eggs and his sperm and see what the outcome is and then go from there. If there's a 15-20% chance of success *then I wouldn't jump straight to donor sperm, especially as he is not totally on board with the idea.

Was the 15-20% chance of IVF success based on his sperm or donor? Those odds are very good (relative to others going through IVF) particularly given your age so I would definitely get further advice specific to both of you. I know you said sperm quantity and quality was diminished but low quantity isn’t a barrier to successful IVF with ICSI so it may be that you have jumped to the donor option prematurely. If that is your only option, you need to be very realistic about your chances. You talk about being 50 and hating him because it’s just the two of you. You might find you wake up at 50 and hate yourself because you’re on your own having thrown away a great relationship and not been able to have a child after all. I don’t mean to sound harsh and I hugely sympathise. I am in a similar position in that we have severe MFI and we have ruled out using donor sperm so I know how difficult it is. Take care and good luck at your appointment.

Has your partner seen an andrologist/ urologist who specialises in male fertility?

The vast majority of fertility clinic consultants are gynaecologists and may not have the specialist knowledge to advise you about complex male factor issues. Personally I wouldn’t make any plans or commit to any treatment (including not pursuing treatment or using donor sperm) until your partner has had specialist advice and tests (beyond what’s usually offered at a standard fertility clinic) - if you are in the UK (or can travel here) I’d highly recommend Jonathan Ramsay.

Have you considered adoption instead? I can imagine that can be easier for some to come to terms with than donation of someone elses eggs/sperm. Personally I would prefer to adopt than go down that route myself.

I think in your scenario you have no choice but to try for the baby. I think if you don't, you'll be eaten up by wondering what might have been. However, you need to go in with your eyes open. At 41, even with donor sperm, there is no guarantee it will work.

@Stanno how are you doing? Sorry to read you are going through so much stress ❤️

I am also 41, have 2 kids, one is with my DH, we always wanted 3, but delayed till I was 40 (still angry with us we did that). Then had 4 chemical pregnancies and just gone through ivf cycle. All my tests super good like 33-35 yr old, dr was so positive... but nature takes it and quality is an issue- we sent 4 good embryos for genetic testing and all abnormal.

So high probability that even if you go donor sperm, ivf will be extremely mentally and financially painful...to find that good egg.

I underestimated how mentally difficult ivf is, didn't read/research enough, for both of us and relationship. One moment when I was on downregg pills I wanted to divorce him, good he managed somehow through it.

We are actually considering donor egg.. So maybe adoption or both donor egg and sperm will be a good option? The success is high, less financial and mental burden, and I am sure you will bond with adopted baby (via either way). My husband loves my daughter and she thinks he is her real dad.

Take care xx

Thank you everyone for your kind words. The Dr at the fertility clinic didn’t have access to my partners results at last weeks meeting so this has had to be rescheduled. Not the best start!

I am feeling much more hopeful than I was last week, I just hope it continues!