Secondary infertility age gap sadness

[dancingmonkey]

Hello, I have secondary infertility, my second ivf round has just failed. I have a daughter who is now 6 conceived normally with no issues. As the years go by I am getting progressively sadder about how big the age gap is getting. I grew up with sisters all close in age and I think of the fun we had growing up. My daughter will never have this. Does anyone have similar stories and let me know how wrong I am and that the age gap won’t matter.

Im sorry OP that you are going through this. I also conceived my first child easily and desperately wanted a second child. We started trying again when my first was four years old. And only just got our happy ending now DC is 9. So we have a 9 year age gap. And it’s been beautiful. I can’t compare it to close in age siblings, I’m an only child so really don’t know what that’s like anyway but I know that the sibling bond between them is beautiful. My second is only 4 months but the way they look at each other is so tender.

It often takes multiple rounds of IVF. Please don’t lose heart. The gap really won’t matter. DC was thrilled and still is to have a sibling. I think they came at the perfect moment.

Hi @dancingmonkey I can relate to this, we conceived my DD easily and she’s now 4. We’ve have been TTC #2 for over a year and start IVF meds this month. Ideally would have liked an age gap of about 3 years but hoping she won’t be much much older than 5/6 if/when a sibling finally comes along, but my age is more of a concern than age gap tbh. If it helps at all, I don’t think the age gap alone determines the relationship between siblings, my husband is very close to his sisters who are 9 and 11 years older than him, and my mum has twin brothers who barely speak to each other!

Thankyou for this , it does make me feel better. I worry more when they are say age 6 and 13 how their relationship will be. 6/7 year old with a newborn I’m sure will be lovely, but it’s when they grow up a bit.

No you’re right I think once they are grown up even a 10 year age gap won’t feel so big. There’s 12 years between me a my youngest sister and we get on well. It’s more the pre teens and younger sibling stage that I worry about. They are so different at that age.

@dancingmonkey I don’t know if you’ve heard of the book called Catcher in the rye but the boy in it is quite mixed up, the only person he trusts to tell anything to is his much younger sister. He trusts her because he knows she won’t manipulate him and her heart is pure. I’ve always thought there is something lovely about the idea of a much older sibling finding solace in the innocence of their younger sibling. Maybe I’m being naive but that’s what I’m expecting to happen.

I also read an article about big age gaps where the older sibling came home devastated about a friendship issue and ran to their room crying, toddler followed her in and cried with her and she said ‘why are you crying?’. He said ‘because you are’. She was overcome with love…I think a younger sibling could be quite grounding when you’re dealing with huge emotional issues…and hopefully the younger sibling will enjoy the protection and devotion from the elder one.

I might be wrong, only time will tell. Ultimately though, someone said to me when I was worried about the age gap, it’s not a choice between a three year gap or nine years. It’s a choice between having a baby or no baby. When you see it like that, there is nothing else you can do, it is what it is.

I wish you both the best of luck. I know just how how painful this journey is. Hoping the conception journey is over and the second baby joy begins very soon