Not sure what to do

[Blackcat012]

Pre COVID AT 36 I approached GP to discuss problems conceiving after 2 years of trying. Was told by locum doc to go away and lose weight (5'5' 10st 3). Was a bit shocked as never thought was overweight. Then COVID hit. Now, early 40s and very peri menapausal was told not eligible for NHS fertility exam as all has to be done private as partner has another child and my age. No way we can afford it. Now I find myself craving validation at every turn in many other warps of life. because I feel like a failure at a biological level. Feel like I'm going mad. I am sure I take everything more personally than I should but every job rejection or work injustice feels like such a huge blow. Have requested counselling but probs won't hear for ages. Never been on a forum before but am worried and have been told I am losing perspective on stuff and so just wondered if anyone felt similar and what they did? No worries if this isn't the right sort of post. Just thought it was worth a go. X

Hi lovely, I'm sorry to hear what your going through. I can definitely relate with regards to the covid delays. I waited over 3 years to see a gynaecologist and another year now so far waiting at fertility clinic. It's ridiculous that it's taken 4+ years to access fertility treatment. I'll soon be at the 5 year mark.
I completely understand how your feeling with regards to feeling like a complete failure. Its definitely hard when everyone around you makes getting pregnant look easy. Fingers crossed I will be starting ivf I next few months. I'm not thrilled that I'll be 38 at time of egg collection.
I never imagined still trying to become a mother at this age. We've been trying since our 20s. I definitely feel some days like I'm going mad. I often have dark days and some days , if I'm being honest , I feel like im never going to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's really affected my whole life. I find socialising challenging and prefer to avoid it as I can't mentally deal with the cruel childless torture I receive from others ( Including friends) I just can't bare to be around anyone as I find it all so embarrassing and heartbreaking listening to people talk about their babies all day. Apparently my friends are super fertile an often gloat about it.
Infertility really sucks and I'm certainly deeply affected by it. I think your doing the right thing by seeking therapy.

Therapy at any stage of the fertility journey is so good. I reluctantly went for therapy and it was life changing, I only had a few sessions but it makes a huge difference. Your GP can still request for the fertility tests to be done, alternatively there are places which can do the tests at lower costs. I think Randox might be a good place to start, if your employer offers health insurance fertility checks are usually included, but not the treatment.

I'd also suggest looking overseas for treatment, there are some threads about costs for overseas even when factoring in accommodation and flights it can be VERY reasonable.