Childless NOT by choice - coping

[Goldieee]

I hope this is the right board as I’m aware miscarriage technically isn’t infertility.

After several miscarriages me and my partnered decided not to try any more.

It was an awful year but I’m actually feeling very good in myself. The only thing I find a bit difficult is the elephant in the room where you can feel people assume you will be having kids. Acquaintances rather than friends.

I am newish at a job and no one knows about my miscarriages. My previous employer did as I was very close to my boss. My ne boss is absolutely lovely and she was talking to me about pregnancy / newborns in a general way but in a sort of ‘advisory’ way. As in ‘this is what I did’ with the subtext of ‘do what’s best for you when you have kids’. The convo didn’t bother me but to spare any future awkwardness part of me wanted to say ‘btw I will never have kids’ 🤣

I’m due to get married soon and I’m healthy and young ish so people would probably assume that’s the next step. I also chat to my colleague about his baby and my friend’s baby so probably it comes across like I’m interested in babies and would want one!

I am at a stage where I’m generally ok talking about pregnant ladies, babies, but it would kill me if someone asked me about our baby plans.

I just wondered if anyone has any advice on dealing with people’s expectations and well meaning questions . Respectfully not from child free by choice people - it’s not the same.

I used to be in this situation and it was rather difficult. I would just say ‘we’re not really baby people!’ Or when asked if I had kids say ‘no, not yet’ yet being the operative word! I wish now I had had the confidence to say ‘we have a few issues around fertility so I’m not sure we’ll have kids.’ And if pressed ‘it’s quite emotive and I’d rather not discuss if that’s ok’ (as in, please STFU)

I personally found in my current relationship my fertility prospects completely changed, as opposed to my previous when I was similar to yourself.
Sometimes two people just don’t mesh in that way IMO or need a little help

No personal experience of this but..
Have you tried the recurrent miscarriage clinic which I believe you would have access to after x3 consecutive miscarriages. I understand sometimes just one or two things ( progesterone, etc) need to be tweaked to achieve a successful pgcy.

that's good you got to point your generally ok with the whole baby/parents shabang. I actually got to the point where I said to myself I do not want a child now, or indifferent. I think to be comfortable in yourself with or without a child/ren is an achievement in itself and something to be proud of x

Thank you so much for your lovely and kind response Daisy, it really helps to talk about it with someone who gets it. I’m sorry for your losses. 💜

I think I will do as you say and say we’ve had a few issues if it comes up. I think people do admire honesty. I actually did mention it to some colleagues (big company, don’t work with them day to day) and it went down really well and wasn’t in any way awkward.

I am in NO way knocking you - you handled it how you wanted to 💜 but I always felt like I didn’t want to pretend I didn’t want kids because I felt it’s an insult to my lost and very much wanted pregnancies.

In regards to the recurrent mc clinic thank you. I did get referred. I am a very tenacious and strong person but I didn’t have the mental energy any more and that’s saying a lot, so I knew it was time to stop.

I knew something was wrong after the second because of the physical symptoms of the mc but I was fobbed off. I went to a private hospital after as I was having ovary pain and the doctor said he thought I had endo. I declined a lacroscpy as I don’t get loads of pain so didn’t want to go through that but I asked for a scan.

It showed polycystic ovaries and in retrospect I think it’s possible I do have endo as polycystic ovaries aren’t meant to cause you pain and also it would explain all the miscarriages. So it’s possible my womb is so buggered that the mc clinic would be pointless. None of the women in my family suffer from what I do but they had kids a lot younger so I do wonder if they also had endo but the damage was not so much at their age that they still could have kids.

The polycystic ovaries were a surprise to the scanner as I’m a normal weight and I have regular periods and get pregnant v easily! But I do think I have the syndrome as I have very oily skin and I’m somewhat hairy. 🤣 PCOS can also make it hard to stay pregnant. Life story there sorry but just to explain why the clinic possibly not the best route as I potentially have a couple of issues.

I’m glad it all worked out for you. As you were I’m now indifferent. Pregnancy is a painful subject for me and sometimes I see something and it gets to me. But I can appreciate my life without kids. My best friend just had a baby and it made me see the reality of it and not the rose tinted side. Appreciate my free time and restful nights 😄

You seem to have good emotional resilience and self worth which is priceless. You’re right the reality of parenting is not as it’s made out by some (to be a euphoric state of unconditional love and happiness!). It’s relentless, I must admit I do miss having more than 30 seconds to get ready while child calls me at top of voice. Emergency?! No, they want me to get them more food.. and kids always behave worse for parent/s.

While it’s lovely to have kid/s there are good days/ bad days, annoying phases they go thru, it’s draining and they take everything you have. I hope you can have a meaningful bond with your bf’s child and other little ones in your life. I’ve found as they get older especially tween / teenage they often turn to people other than their parents to confide in or seek advice.

Don't give up on your desire to have kids, if not the conventional way there are other ways which could be considered in future. But being content and knowing your worth, finding a life worth enjoying (D. D Janes quote there!) either way is definitely IMO the right way to go about it.

Completely get it that you want to respect the lost little ones, and I’m sorry for your losses ❤️ going down the honesty route with people is a great way forward and from what you’ve said those you have told seem very understanding. This life is not an easy journey! Not for any of us x

thank you for your kind response, it made me emotional. All the best ❤️