My best friend told me she was pregnant at my 30th birthday party while knowing we are struggling to conceieve

[lauraj186]

Hi all,

I don't know if I am even posting in the right place but I really need some advice.

We have been ttc for 15 months and are now waiting for fertility testing. I have told my friend of our difficulties (but not necessarily gone into detail about how hard it's been). My friend had been ttc for two months (and I knew she had been trying).

I had spent months planning my 30th birthday and was really looking forward to it. My friend told me and another friend as we sat down at my party she was 9 weeks pregnant and although I am happy for her, my whole world felt like it crumbled. She even pretended to drink prosecco at my house beforehand so I literally had no idea. I then went into lots of feelings of anxiety for the whole night and my birthday was, well, pretty much ruined. However I did manage to pretend everything was ok.

She has no idea and didn't do this on purpose, however it has sent me into quite a bad place and I really am struggling to speak to her. I have already cancelled a meeting we had in August because I am just too hurt.

The question is, do I message explaining how I am feeling? The last thing I want to do is be selfish and make it all about me, but I am finding it very difficult to just pretend like everything is ok.

Sorry for the long message! Any help would be appreciated :)

Hi op I’m really sorry about your insensitive friend. If it were me, I’d have to say something, mainly to prevent it reoccurring. Insensitive people can be a stab in the heart too many times and you end up avoiding them. If I was your best friend, I’d want honesty but said in a kind way, not angry or anything. Some people can be ignorant of the pain of infertility.

Been there, had an envelope with a scan photo handed to me on my birthday and I just knew what it was and my heart sank. We’d been struggling for years by this point and my SIL just didn’t care and had to have her moment in front of the entire family. I still hold that event in resentment even though it was several years ago now. Do what you need to do to protect yourself.

I think that was incredibly insensitive of your friend . I think that's a very low thing to do announcing that on your birthday knowing you've been open about your struggles. For what reason couldn't she keep it to herself to the following day ?
I wouldn't be so forgiving. I think that's pure ignorance. I'd probably just tell her to fuck off. How can a friend not do it on purpose , when you've told her you've been struggling to get pregnant? Dosent sound like a friend I'd want to keep. She sounds like a complete asshole who dosent consider her friends feelings.
It depends how you want to proceed with your friend. Do you want to patch your relationship? If so you need to sit down and tell her how incredibly hurtful that was and we'll, id want to know why the hell would my friend choose to tell me that on my birthday, knowing it would ruin my day.

Some people love to boast about their fertility as if it's some magic skill they've got. Sorry your friend has been so insensitive . I've been through infertility too and we have our son through IVF. Even now, my cousin likes to boast about how she got pregnant first time each of her pregnancies (3 times). I would tell your friend how you feel or not see her for a while.

Oh I'm so sorry about this OP. I don't think she was necessarily insensitive but - rather like anyone who has never had to think about fertility - is just totally unaware of how hard it is. People who haven't been through it have no idea about the crushing hope, the feelings of loss, the unknowing. They just bound in there with their happy news totally oblivious to how it feels for those who are contemplating fertility. When people get miraculously pregnant on TV it still annoys my husband and me years later.

If she is a cherished friend who you think will listen and try to understand, I think it's worth explaining what you are going through.

Hang in there xxx