how to sensitively offer help with ivf costs?

[Hooplahooping]

I was accosted by my tearful aunt at a family event yesterday. she is a darling - wildly emotionally incontinent - but sweetly self aware about it...

my cousin (her son) and his wife are struggling to conceive. She would like to offer some financial help to them without seeming nosy / like she's putting pressure on them for grandchildren / putting them on the spot to respond in front of her.

her suggestion was that I offer on her behalf. which seems wild to me - and unnecessarily inserting another person.

I don't have experience of extended infertility myself, although it took a little while to conceive my first, but I do think that I appreciate anyone at that time giving me the buffer of a message vs an in-person announcement of baby related things. does it seem too impersonal to just send a sweet email or card (her)? she seemed shocked by the suggestion...

I think in that situation a note saying saying 'no pressure, but we love you, and we have x available to contribute if it would be helpful' would be best case scenario vs a cousin awkwardly offering you your mums money...

I'd love to hear any alternative view points though! thank you

I think if the couple are open about their struggles then there's no harm in the message you've suggested in a card - I think that sounds more personal than an email and for some reason, less invasive?

If she knows as a result of someone spilling the beans on their behalf, if it were me, I'd struggle to be okay with someone knowing and would view it more negatively. Infertility has made me a bit crazy though.

I’d suggests she gives them the money as a gift, rather than for the IVF. When my in laws offered us money for IVF, I declined as I felt like they would have a “share” in the baby if successful and I’d feel like I’d failed them and wasted their money if not. If she just gives them a chunk of money (rather than covers the IVF costs) it takes that direct correlation away and probably makes everyone feel a bit more comfortable. It’s a lovely thing she wants to do and it’s nice that she’s concerned about being sensitive but I’m not sure getting you involved is necessary!

This is potentially really difficult I think. Similar to pp I wouldn't want to be given money for IVF, it feels like someone is buying a baby for you. A general money gift may be better, or perhaps she could offer to pay a months mortgage or something to make it less directly about the IVF?

I told my mum we are waiting for a fertility clinic referral that we might not get and that we may have to go private. She said they would help if we wanted. I was really grateful and didn’t overthink it or think they’d have a ‘share’ in the baby or any of the things mentioned here, I think you’re overthinking it. And I speak as someone struggling with fertility issues.

I think how it's come up is part of it, alwaysplayingyellowcar example is nice as it implies help towards the treatment but no so specific and was in context of the conversation.
As a self funding single person I wouldn't feel comfortable someone offering money directly for the treatment, you unfortunately don't know how relationships and friendships can play out in the future and the last thing I would want would be someone being able to say " you wouldn't have the baby of it wasn't for me", as if they have an hold over you or forever indebted.

It's a hard one, but involving you seems unnecessary and making it more awkward than needed.

Guys thank you so much for all your helpful input. I hear what some of you are saying - that offing ‘money for fertility treatment’ is a minefield. A 1000% agree I shouldn’t (and dot wish to get involved)

a cash gift, no strings attached is much easier to navigate (and authentically generous!) than specific help for costs. I shall mention this to her - and then firmly back off!

thanks again