Advice - same sex couple about to restart ivf

[Raleighx]

Bear with me as this is a long one!!

So my wife and I have been together for 10 years. We have a little girls who’s 18 months who was conceived via ivf using her egg. It was a long road to get there. We did six cycles private of IUI.. 2 of which ended in chemical pregnancies and then moved on to funded IVF. Luckily the first round worked. We did a fresh transfer and have 3 embryos in the freezer.

It was always the plan that she would carry the first pregnancy and I would do the second using my egg. We made this decision as she’s slightly older than me (37) and I’m turning 32 this year.

Because we won’t be entitled to any funding and we had such a bad experience with iui we decided to go straight for ivf this time and I’m starting the injections tomorrow.

My problem is because she knows we’ve got those embryos in the freezer - she’s more focused and excited about those. I think it’s because they’re genetically related to her. She denies it.

Obviously we haven’t got an unlimited supply of money but she wants the plan to be for us to do one cycle with my eggs. Whatever that means. So if we get 5 embryos then FET all 5. If there’s only 1 or 2 then in her mind we tried. I’ve tried to explain lots of people only get 1 or 2 and it’s down to luck. I just don’t feel like that would be a fair go for me. I would like to do at least 3 transfers.

It’s not that I’m hugely bothered about genes. I love our little girl with all my heart and it doesn’t matter we’re not genetically related. I just always saw myself carrying a baby from my egg and to give that up would be a huge thing to ask of me.

I don’t think she would have given up her opportunity so quickly. I was supportive all the way through our journey with iui and she would have had 2 more nhs rounds using her egg that I would have supported her through. I don’t think she’s being fair and it’s weighing on my mind that as well as possibly having the negativity of a failed round I’m also going to have the pressure from her of switching to the frozen embryos.

I will add my family aren’t involved much it’s mainly her family. Our little girl looks just like her and everyone says it. Is it wrong for me to want that experience?

Would love your opinion. Am I being silly and she’s actually being sensible with the plan as it actually makes more financial sense?

Just to add my blood/scans work came back fine. AMH etc good for my age.

Hi @Raleighx

i am currently doing ivf, in a same sex relationship.

I think ultimately you need to have a chat with your wife about how you are feeling about this. It sounds like having a baby using your egg is really important to you. That is a perfectly ok way to feel, and is something that you should be able to say to your partner. I am going first in my relationship, but my partner has been explicit with me about wanting to try using her own eggs as well, which I totally support. Ultimately, you can’t be forced to carry an embryo made with your partners egg if you don’t want to.

something that my partner and I discussed at the beginning of this endeavour was that neither of us could really be sure how we would feel/react to the various possible outcomes, and that the process can be so unpredictable, so we weren’t going to set any plans in stone, but continually communicate throughout the process and take each decision together as is needed. This has been helpful for us.

if you are predicting that if you find yourself in a situation where you have done some transfers that haven’t worked, have no more embryos from that round and want to try another round using your own eggs, then I don’t think that you should have worries about telling your partner that this is how you think you will feel in that scenario.

Ultimately when money is involved there might be a time when you have to take a break or decide not to pursue further treatment. That is something to be discussed together, and your view on it should have as much bearing as your partners.

good luck with your conversation and you treatment OP

This sounds like a difficult issue and my heart goes out to you both. Would it be worth seeking some fertility counselling support? It will understandably be a highly emotive topic for you both so having someone else in the conversation might be worthwhile? Best of luck.

Echo that advice from SErunner also, a counsellor would be a really good idea.

I think this is so tricky to navigate. I can completely understand your feelings and why you'd like to have a good amount of chances with your own eggs. It's really not purely a financial decision. In my case I've moved on to donor eggs following several failed rounds of own egg IVF, but moving to donor eggs hasn't made me think that genetics don't matter.

Also it's worth bearing in mind that by aged 35 only around 50% of embryos are on average chromosomally normal. So the reality is there's no guarantee that the other two embryos from your partner would result in another baby.

I'd hope it would be possible to have an honest and loving conversation with your partner, where you can convey that the need you gave to try with your own eggs doesn't change the way you feel about the daughter you share, but that it's really important to you.

Have you had any fertility tests yourself?

Just seen your update re fertility tests, so ignore that bit.

Thank you for all of the replies and advice! Counselling is a good shout and may be something we look at doing down the road if we can’t agree. For now i am just going into this cycle with my fingers crossed and hoping we get a good outcome.

As I say I love our little girl to bits. She is the world to me. I’m definitely not dismissing carrying one of the embryos because I know I will love them just as much as our DD. I think I can accept it if we have to do it that way and be happy. I just want to know I’ve given it a good chance with my egg and I feel like our ideas of a fair chance are quite different !

I wouldn’t change things for the world but I have found it quite difficult emotionally. I bonded great with our DD but I have found it hard as I have always wanted to carry. My wife has breastfed, had the majority of the maternity leave and as I say our daughter has a huge resemblance to her. All of the stuff I imagined when becoming a mum.

first injection today! wish me luck x

Hi,
I don't have any experience of the same sex couple situation, I'm doing treatment as a single person but I do fully understand your want to atleast give your body a fair try. I did IUI fully believing it would would and all 3 failed so after taking some time out I have made the decision to switch to IVF which I will start later this month, although I'm hopefully that IVF will work I'm also more eyes open to the fact that being the first time it's unknown how the body will react so I do think it's only fair to consider more than one cycle if needed. I've seen people's egg collection numbers and viable embryo's change drastically between 2 different collections.

Although you love your Daughter and would love any other sibling born from your partners embryos it's fully normal to want that chance at your own. A bit deep but after years of struggling with body issues in teens and twenties and now being mid 30s I see my body with a totally different view and have a great respect for what we can do and same as you feel I just want to give it that opportunity and know I did as much as I could and hopefully will get the outcome I want.

Maybe ask your Wife why her reasons are for wanting to go straight to her embryos if your round was not successful, I see so many posts on another fertility page about the pressures of giving a child a sibling, if it's something along those lines then research about age gaps etc may help her feel a little more calm in giving you the time needed to try your own.

As others have said there is no garentee her embryos will result in a pregnancy and you will likely be left with that "what if" feeling for a long time. Although financially your cycles, if multiple is needed will cost more that using her eggs I think looking back on it in years to come you will have been glad you paid the extra and gave yourself a fair chance

Good luck with your cycle xx

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP you want to experience what your wife has and have fair go at that. When all your IUIs where failing for your wife you could have easily offered to try yourself but you you kept going as was important to her.

I think it's only fair you are allowed to do the same. IVF rounds are so temperamental. She was very lucky to have succeeded first go. It's often seen as the trial round.

My first one I got 3 eggs and 1 blastocyst. My second round I've got 10 eggs (waiting for update on how they are looking as we only had collection Friday) when they changed and upped my stims.
Like the others have mentioned counselling would probably help. Good luck OP!
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