I’m on a two year time limit and then he’s leaving…

[NC1022]

So this is a heavy one, my husband and I are very much in love and have been trying to have a baby for the last three years. We’ve had six miscarriages and it seems the issue is with me based on the testing we’ve done so far. I’m 39 and he’s 34, I have children from a previous marriage and he has none. He’d love to be a Dad more than anything and is a wonderful stepfather. We’ve tried pretty much everything in our power to make things happen and now are starting to worry it won’t. We recently had a conversation and it’s come to light that if I can’t have a baby the he will want to go our separate ways so he can find someone else. So as it stands I’m on a two year time limit and honestly feeling so horrible. On top of the trauma of the miscarriages and infertility I’m now scared I will lose him. I don’t blame him for wanting to do that but it’s just so painful and I feel somewhat betrayed. I feel like I’ve lost all of the security I thought I had in my marriage which we both would have said is strong. I can’t help but to push him away because I’m trying to protect my heart. Has anyone else every dealt with this? Any advice would be appreciated, I feel like I’m spiralling.

I'm sorry to hear this. I do agree that your marriage lacks security and trust- your feelings are completely valid. Yes, he loves you, but his love clearly comes with conditions, so is it really worth anything?

At the end of the day, life throws lemons, and if his reaction is to up and leave about something like this, you really can't trust him to stick with you through, for instance, a serious or terminal illness. He doesn't seem to be honouring 'in sickness and health' or 'for better or worse'.

I'd be very worried about having a child with a man with this mindset, but out of interest, what testing have you had?

@RiderofRohan I agree. Also curious what testing was done to conclude on this. If a man decides to leave because of potential health issues, not sure how reliable he is when there are bigger issues down the track.

Has he considered that, as you have children already, there may be an issue with his fertility? How would he feel if he left to have children with someone else and it turned out he couldn't?

If having his own biological child(ren) is a deal-breaker for him, that's his right to choose his own priorities for what he wants, and although it's painful to learn, at least now you know where you stand and can make your own choices with that in mind.

Honestly, I wouldn't have children with or stay in a relationship with a man who wouldn't prioritise his existing commitments in that situation. He has a wife and children to whom he already has commitments. Setting a time limit like this shows where you and they rank in his priorities and I wouldn't find that rank acceptable.

So on his end it’s all good, though we haven’t done his genetic testing yet. For me I somehow ended up with and auto immune illness called Antiphospholipid Syndrome that causes miscarriages and stillbirths amount other things. It’s usually something you’re born with so the drs are baffles as to how I now have it after having children in the past and not having it at all.

I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis - APS is often manageable, and there's a growing number of specialists in the field of reproductive immunology, so definitely don't consider it unsurmountable. There's some really knowledgeable people on this site, actually!

Yes it typically is but unfortunately Il
severely allergic to most medications including the blood thinners and aspirin they is for APS in pregnancy so it doesn’t leave us with many options. We can’t afford surrogacy and he doesn’t want to adopt 😔

I'm sorry, @NC1022 . That really sucks, and I'm sorry if my post upset you.