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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

Struggling to deal with infertility

2 replies

NamasteLemons · 14/05/2023 07:43

At 45 I was fine with never having kids, then met a (younger) man who reawakened the desire. Eventually I thought, bugger it, let's roll the dice, just in case... And got pregnant straight away. I was blown away.

Miscarried at 7 weeks, just before 46th birthday. I can't describe the sadness. But, possibly worse, it gave me hope. It defied all odds, maybe I was still more fertile than I should be... Took another 6 months but fell pregnant again. Miscarried at 5 1/2 weeks. Just been to a fertility clinic to ask whether IVF with PGT-A would realistically give me much chance. Nope, they rate my chances at around 5% tops. I'm in Spain which is massive on egg donation so they try to push you down that route but I'm not convinced about a) morality of creating child who will never know genetic mother, b) whether I'd always think it was 'not mine'.

Adoption isn't an option as I live a bit of a nomadic lifestyle which doesn't fit with what social services would look for. (plus, time..)

We're both heartbroken right now and don't know what to do or how to accept this. Tempted to go ahead with a cycle of IVF anyway "just incase miracle", but pretty sure it'd be throwing money down the drain and hugely stressful. Any advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation?? Any point in proceeding??

OP posts:
Rosemarypots · 14/05/2023 08:24

I'm so sorry you've had such a hard time. I've had several failed rounds of IVF and I'm now moving to donor eggs - I'm in my late 30s so a bit younger than you, but it seems futile carrying on with my own eggs.

If I were you I'd look into donor conception more - the Donor Conception Network and Paths to Parenthood are good places to start.

With the morality point, I'd recommend you look at countries that have donor ID release when the child is 18 - I've stuck with the UK because of this. Portugal and Denmark are other options.

Regarding bonding, I'd suggest you read some real life stories. I'm always worrying about what could go wrong, but from all the real life stories I've read nobody regrets it when the baby is here. You'll have grown that baby completely from your own body. Yes, the child's sense of identity is so important but the key seems to be to be open with them from an early age so it's never a source of shame.

The reason I'm posting is because I never thought donor conception could be for me, but actually once you make the decision (it's ok to only be 51% sure) a whole new world of possibilities opens up.

Wishing you all the best x

NamasteLemons · 14/05/2023 11:12

Thanks. I have actually started to give the donor route some thought, which I would never have imagined I would. Here in Spain there is complete donor confidentiality unfortunately - I do think for the child it's better to have the donor ID release. I'll mull it over for a while. One of the problems at my age is feeling that the clock is ticking way too fast when you want to slow down and take time to make the right decisions.

Glad you have found your way forwards, hope it all works out well for you. x

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