Fertile friends and infertility

[CatMc2023]

I'd love if someone could sense check if I am going insane or if actually it's reasonable to be upset about this. Background is my husband and I have been on a 1 year so far waiting list for an operation for fertility treatment to then wait after that for ISCI. There is no chance of naturally conceiving and operation might not be a success. Op not for another 2 months at least.

Best friend knows this all. She has recently had her 2nd baby, 2 under 2 both conceived quickly in time since I have been TTC. I visited and brought a gift & homemade cooking when born. A few days ago after meeting up and updating her that we were still waiting for treatment, she sent a printed photo card of her new baby & photo of the family of 4 with a printed message to me at home 'thanks as we settle in as a family of 4'. I'm so gutted about our wait & fertility prospects, I wanted to put the card straight in the bin. I don't want a photo of her newborn and child on my fridge door.

Is this horrendously bitter and mean of me? or would it be reasonable to explain to her why that had upset me? Or should I realise she just doesn't have a clue and can't be expected to and forget about it?

Your feelings are completely valid. I am on the other side of infertility but I felt exactly what you felt for about five years. I almost felt like friends were trying to upset me at one point. I can think logically now that they might have been trying to include me in their lives, not make things awkward by ignoring the fact they have kids etc…But at the time every photo was a reminder of the pain that they had what I desperately wanted. Don’t beat yourself up about feeling this pain and sorrow. Infertility is one of the toughest things you can ever go through. I hope the operation you need happens soon and that it’s successful. Wishing you lots of luck 💕

And I think you should explain it to her and have an honest conversation. I gave up on most friends, just thought they were incapable of understanding but the friendships never recovered because my resentment grew and grew. Eventually there was no good feeling left. So discuss how you feel now and don’t bury it x

I completely understand how you feel. It is normal to feel very upset in these circumstances. I think letting people know about a birth is one thing but sending a picture to a friend with infertility problems is a bit much.
last year I had 2 miscarriages and an ectopic. During that time four people I work closely with announced their pregnancies. I found it really hard and did everything I could to avoid them! It’s not that I wished them any harm, I just had my own grief to deal with.
Really hoping the op gets done soon and you can have your turn to get good news xx

It's completely understandable to feel the way you feel so don't beat yourself up about that.
It's a tough one but it's okay to prioritise yourself at the moment and tell your friend what you need - a good friend will appreciate it's too upsetting at the minute and appreciate you need some distance from the baby stuff. Does she regularly send you baby pics etc? I would say if so and you feel able to express how you feel to your friend this might help her to understand what you need from her going forwards. You might be able to just bring it into convo - that you are really happy for her - but at the current time it too painful to even look at the baby/family pics as you're going through such a heartbreaking time?

I went through something that sounds very similar in terms of our infertility journey and counselling helped me loads in just coping with these situations and getting reassurance it was ok for me to feel the way I did. I am not sure if you've accessed any or might in future.

@summerpoolandsun thank you I really appreciate your message. I think you're right, just hard to find the words when I know she is wanting to celebrate her babies, the card was one of those professional photoshots were they are all wrapped up. I'll try and discuss it without making her feel bad.
@Laurabeee I'm so glad I'm not the only one feeling like this! I wasn't sure if I was going mad with jealousy, thank you for your message
@pamplemoussee thank you, she does send photos when I ask about the children, not unprompted but I also don't really want photos of babies then, I'm only being polite in asking how they are. The printed card I know she'll have sent to everyone who gave gifts, but if it was me I'd have sent a friend going thru infertility just a plain thank you card no family & baby photos. That's a good way to bring into convo, I don't want her to think I'm trying to spoil her happiness. That's good to know counselling helped, we are with NHS and there is a long waiting list for counselling, I don't want to pay privately when saving for possible ICSI rounds in future but hopefully will be able to do in future, I'm glad it helped you cope xx

This is a really difficult one for both you and your friend. Everyone is different and the only way to really navigate this is to actually have a conversation with your friend about what you need.

I have been going through infertility for 4 years now and have had several good friends and family members get pregnant in that time. My preference is that I want to get photos and all of the info and updates. I still love hearing about their children and that includes seeing pictures. I've been clear with everyone that I don't want them to censor anything from me and I want them to update me the same as they would if there was nothing wrong.

It doesn't mean anything, it's just different, but the point is that you have to say what you want. It's really a personal preference/ how you individually deal with things, and I think your friend can't really know how you want her to navigate this unless you are a bit more direct with her.

If you don't say it, she can't know. It's OK to talk about this stuff, if she's really a good friend she will understand.

@CatMc2023 completely understand where you are coming from. Some people honestly have no idea. I think a short message to her if you can to say you are delighted for her but finding things a bit difficult at the moment so would appreciate no photos. This whole process is very isolating and difficult but I’ve been trying to do what I need and hope people understand. Make sure you are taking care of yourself. Always here to talk in

@CatMc2023 accidentally pressed send! It’s been a morning for me honestly. Was going to say, always here to talk if you would like x

Like you said, this is just a card she would have sent to everyone. Bin it if you need to. Personally I wouldn’t mention it cause it’s bound to set her on eggshells and you can just delete pictures or not respond to them and start new topics of conversation. Remember this is not personal - she is not doing this to upset you, she’s just sharing her life with you. Hopefully by the time you have your own child/ren the friendship will have survived.