AIBU - infertile friend ignores me then wants to reconnect when pregnant

[Kathleen995]

Hi everyone!

Bit of a long story but I’ll try to be concise as possible. One of my best friends had been experiencing infertility for about a year, a fact I only knew bedside she brought it up briefly once when drunk and explained she’d had to essentially ghost her pregnant friends.

I then became pregnant myself a couple of months later and took great care researching the best way to tell her, what to say etc. I sent her a very sensitive text acknowledging how difficult the news might be to hear but don’t feel the need to respond right away, that I was thinking of her and sending love. She sent back a very brief “congratulations”
text and then I didn’t hear from her for a few weeks. I sent her a text to ask how she was doing and she gave very brief responses and didn’t acknowledge my pregnancy etc.

It continued in this pattern, of me hearing nothing from her and reaching out every few weeks, or couple of months, to check in. Contact was never initiated from her end and she never opened up about her struggle with infertility or how she was feeling. This continued until I was about six months pregnant, at which point she invited all her closest friends apart from me to spend her birthday with her. At this point I sent a long text to her explaining that I found this hurtful and I felt my pregnancy was driving a wedge between us, asking her to be honest about if she needed distance or if she’d like to have a frank conversation about it.

In her response she essentially gaslit me, saying she’d just had things on her mind and didn’t think it was a big deal that I hadn’t been invited, as she usually spends more time with those other friends anyway. This was pretty hurtful to hear.

We saw each other in person twice during my pregnancy (alongside a mutual friend, in a group) and the atmosphere was always very tense, my pregnancy wasn’t really acknowledged and her reaction was very stand offish and disinterested when our other friend asked me questions about it. As a result I felt deeply uncomfortable mentioning my pregnancy infront of her, despite being very visibly pregnant at this point.

Once my son was born, she sent gifts for him and champagne for me but didn’t text or call to ask how I was getting on or how my son was. Suddenly she expressed a desire to meet him at Christmas and was like her old self, very bubbly and happy and asking lots of questions about him. Fast forward to this month, where she announces her pregnancy to me in a
casual way, explaining she’s due in august (so would’ve been pregnant at Christmas when meeting my son, hence the sudden change in attitude), but doesn’t acknowledge the fact she basically ghosted me for a year and made me feel really anxious and stressed when already dealing with severe prenatal depression (something I’d shared with her but she never asked about).

She seems to think we can go back to how our friendship was before I became pregnant, without ever accounting for her hurtful actions. I realise infertility must be an extremely difficult thing to go through and I completely respect that, I just wish she could’ve communicated her feelings instead of avoiding then gaslighting me then wanting to resume the friendship now things have worked out for her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect some degree of accountability from her?

Being infertile and desperate for a baby is a very painful experience and many women avoid pregnant people as a self coping mechanism.

Even the sight of a baby grow in a shop had me in floods of tears and was so painful, like a physical ache. It’s likely seeing you in your pregnant state would have been too painful for her. It’s difficult to explain tbh which is probably why she didn’t.

If you don’t want to reconnect you have every right to feel that way but I can totally relate to her actions.

In another occasion I would have said that she was in the wrong and you in the right, but in this particular occasion nobody is at fault here. I don't know if you have experience infertility problems before having a baby, but I can totally assure you is something you don't want to wish to anyone, either your worst enemy, it's a very painful experience, stressful and depressing, I'm in the middle of it at the moment and I can totally related to your friend. At the end she expressed to see the baby, she gave you gift for him and you, this is not totally a behaviour from a person that doesn't care about you, otherwise she wouldn't have sent anything. It's a coping mechanism, try to understand. Talk to her and explain your feelings but be opened to listen to hers. My mom sends me pics and message of others babys and pregnancies and I just say to her ok, good or something like that, I don't ask, I don't want to know and I'm even totally afraid to receive the message that says that my brother is pregnant (his wife of course), this would crush my heart, obviously I would be happy for him, but it would probably drive me at the bottom of depression, probably I'm a bad person don't know but still, it's a very painful situation, try to understand.

I can almost guarantee that your friend feels very guilty that she had to distance herself. No body wants to do that, we do it to protect our hearts when going through the hardest journey. I totally understand it's been hard for you not to have her there, I really hope you can get your friendship back on track xx

Infertility is a rough road and unless you've been through it, it's impossible to know how it really feels. A lot of people just brush it aside and tell you to relax, or think that IVF will solve all your problems, but the reality is that it affects your entire life and takes over all your thoughts.
Friends/family going through pregnancies and having babies is so unbelievably painful and sometimes it's easier to just distance yourself instead of putting a brave face on.

I'm sure your friend knows she could have handled it better but in the moment it's impossible, and addressing it afterwards might still just be a bit much for her.

You said all the right things to her about does she want to chat or need space but didn’t seem to really register how she felt at all…I don’t think she’s done anything wrong. However uncomfortable you felt, how do you think she felt? I don’t doubt you felt upset but her pain would have been tremendous

YABU

Thanks for all the responses, everyone. I understand fertility is extremely tough and no two people deal with it in the same way, however her first round of IVF was successful and she’s now 18 weeks pregnant so I don’t really understand why there’s still not been any accountability offered when she was aware I was suffering from extreme prenatal depression. I don’t think there’s a hierarchy of suffering and I don’t think one person’s pain is more important than another’s, sorry. You’re allowed to act however you need to in order to protect yourself but it needs to be communicated at some point and acknowledged so we can both move forward. Otherwise I am just filled with resentment that I was ghosted in what was a very vulnerable time of my life. The irony is that she was also going through a very vulnerable time but because she was unable to be open about it we couldn’t support each other, and still don’t seem to be able to? Which leaves me to wonder, what’s the actual point of the friendship if you’re only going to be there for fair weather times?

@Kathleen995 it sounds as if you need to have a proper chat with her where you can be completely honest and get everything out on the table.

She might have felt completely unable to talk to you about your prenatal depression because she was suffering so depression herself due to her fertility issues. It can't have been an easy thing for her given that the thing that caused your depression is the very thing that she was struggling to achieve.

Of course there's no hierarchy of suffering, but in the same way that you feel she hasn't understood your depression, she might feel you haven't understood what she was going through.

It's tricky. You're allowed to feel how you feel and your feelings are absolutely valid. Prenatal depression must be so difficult and I can understand you wanted support from your close friend and felt abandoned. It wouldn't have been what you friend wanted either. What she would have wanted was to get pregnant naturally, to be able to enjoy your pregnancy with you as well as her own. Instead her pain and sadness naturally made her distance herself and that must have been painful for you both.

The real decision is whether you want to move on and be friends or not. You won't gain anything in my opinion by expecting an explanation. Especially when the explanation is obvious. Do you want an apology??

Unfortunately you'll never understand how she feels. She likely can't open up to you because you literally will never understand how she felt or feels now and can't even begin to imagine it. Talking to someone about how infertility makes you feel as they grow a beautiful baby inside them is torture - even worse if they're complaining about it (even though the complaints are valid!).

I am where your friend has been, I can absolutely understand why she did distance herself and I would never "explain myself" to friends who didn't get it.

Unless you’ve experienced infertility yourself, I don’t think you’ll ever truly know the pain and heartache it can cause. Does it matter that it was her “first round of IVF”? I take it you did not need IVF. She most likely did it to protect herself and I don’t think she owes you any explanation.

I understand you were also going through a vulnerable time but it just shows me that you don’t truly understand her feelings around infertility if you thought she could compare that to your prenatal depression and be able to support you - both are vastly different and I don’t think I’d be able to support a pregnant friend in the way she needed while I was suffering from infertility, it would be just too difficult.

Only you can make the decision as to whether you want her in your life.

You're right that you were going through a difficult time with prenatal depression, but if you honestly think that a friend who was struggling to conceive should have been the one to support you and now owes you an explanation then that just shows exactly how little you understand infertility.
To get to the point of needing 'only one' round of IVF she must have struggled for a bit, possibly a relatively short time but every month can be torture.
I hope you have now got appropriate help for your depression.

Just to add, infertility is indescribably hard and unfortunately those feelings don't just disappear with a positive test. I am extremely fortunate to have had an IVF baby but it took a while for me to process all that I'd been through. Just give her some time.

I am really sorry to hear about your PND and I hope you are feeling better.

The OP isn’t saying she doesn’t understand that her friend was in pain or the reasons she was ghosted and excluded from the birthday party. Just that she doesn’t like the gaslighting aspect.

Infertility is painful but doesn’t mean that the person going through it loses all ability to be a reasonable friend and acknowledge what they’re going through and how that might have impacted others.

OP I think it’s perfectly understandable that your trust in your friend is rocked and that you have less respect for her because she appears to not be able to be introspective, particularly emotionally mature or able take responsibility for her actions, however justified they may have been at the time due to the pain of infertility she was feeling.

OP you can either continue on and see if your resentment fades away in time (maybe it will!) or you can be open and honest with her.

I agree with you though that what is the point of a friend if they can’t be emotionally mature with you?

In her defence she did give you a gift for your baby and you so she didn’t completely ghost, and the birthday trip might have been a boozy one so not appropriate for a pregnant woman.

But on the other hand, her explanation that it was because she is closer to the other girls is really hurtful and that in itself would make me reconsider the friendship!

However, humans aren’t perfect and we all fail to live up to the ideal from time to time.

Aware that isn’t really an answer except to say YANBU!

@mosiacmaker this is absolutely it, you have completely captured my thoughts. Thank you for understanding my perspective. It’s the lack of introspection that has lowered my respect for her, and without that same respect and trust (from her end) the friendship has been hugely compromised. However I don’t want to ghost her during her pregnancy in the same way she ghosted me, so I will reach out but I can’t see it being the same as it was without the vulnerability or honesty it takes to keep any relationship from fading.

It sounds like you both need to talk about it, and work out whether there is a friendship worth saving and reconnecting with each other. When I was in the thick of waiting for IVF my childhood best friend fell pregnant, I was happy for her but sad for me. I had to cut her off for my own sanity; it was like a wound being reopened with every meet up, I suppose it’s hard to explain unless you’ve been through it. But we worked it out, she was understanding and I understood her feelings around me not being around during her pregnancy.

I can imagine it would be hard for someone going through infertility to comprehend PND when they just want to be pregnant, the same as a person who conceived and ghosted by a friend who is struggling to conceive.. both difficult paths.

Going through the exact same thing at the moment OP and feel so confused on how I should be feeling.

I'm the pregnant friend and my friend has been through IVF for her first and now going through it again.

Really refreshing to read this post and all the comments from both sides.

I never ever mention the pregnancy or anything about it, I also don't post on social media regarding it.

It's the 'I keep forgetting you're pregnant' with a smirk comments that are starting to annoy me, because I know she doesn't forget and it's a cover but just makes it feel like this baby isn't important.

Before I announced I sent her a text to let her know before I announced to the group chat and allowed her time to digest it before I did.

Again, I know she's struggling and I'd just rather her say she finds me hard to be around, so I can offer support/give her space instead of making it feel like this baby is 'forgotten'- we've had a loss before my first and then a year of fertility issues to have that child.. so I understand but was also lucky that I didn't have to go through IVF so again, am I being unreasonable that I'm a bit sad about it all.

She also keeps saying 'I talk about my parents when both of yours are dead and don't think twice about it' after she tells me she's forgotten I'm pregnant & I just say 'that's okay, life is busy and I don't mention it anyway' - which to me is a crazy thing to draw a comparison to on things we both lack in life but am I over reacting in thinking that's a weird thing to compare, I'm not sure. I'm just trying to be as considerate as I can be of her feelings but I feel there becomes a point my feels are also valid.

I just know when she has her second it will be the topic of every conversation and I'm not sure how to react because she's not once asked me (I'm 35 weeks) how I am but I know she has every right to not as I know her feelings are 100% valid. I just don't know how feel anymore.

Infertility is incredibly hard and painful but it's no excuse to gaslight a friend

She will have needed to distance herself during your pregnancy that's fair enough but she needed to explain that to you

I think you've every right to feel how you feel

Do you think she'd have a conversation with you about it?

Hi everyone,

Thought I'd update. We managed to mostly repair our friendship after we had a conversation about it (which I initiated). However while she acknowledged she'd been distant, she never actually addressed her hurtful behaviour/actions, especially in regards to blatantly leaving me out of social plans, birthdays etc. So I feel in a sense there is unfinished business, but don't want to demand accountability in case the friendship crumbles entirely.

I have now had a second baby (who is now 9 months old). Her child is now almost two, and I know she was aiming for a 2-3 year age gap but as far as I know isn't yet pregnant and will likely be going through IVF again soon. Over the last few months she's been very distant again, never initiating contact and taking sometimes weeks to get back to my messages.

I am assuming she's going through IVF (she hasn't said) but I feel let down all over again that we've been through all this, discussed it, she knows how I feel, and now she's basically ignoring me again for the same reason she did last time? So it's like no lessons have actually been learnt?

I've been going through quite a hard time myself with my relationship, returning to work, my partner was seriously ill in hospital recently and just feeling generally a bit overwhelmed. And now I feel like my best friend is just repeating what she did last time she was going through fertility treatment. It's all so frustrating!

It doesn’t sound like either of you have ‘learned from it’. Having been in her shoes, I think you’re trying to apply logic to a situation and feelings that don’t really follow those rules. Infertility can feel visceral, ingrained, it’s trauma. A couple of chats isn’t going to erase all of that. Having a baby doesn’t automatically erase all of that. It’s just not so simple. And you haven’t experienced it, so while you might sympathise you don’t understand.

That doesn't mean your feelings or own life challenges don’t matter, of course they do, but she’s probably not the friend to support you with these at the moment. I think you need to accept that this is how she is trying to deal with things (rightly or wrongly) and it’s not about ‘learning lessons’ - she’s in self-preservation mode and doing what she needs to do to get through the day. If you don’t like this version of her you can choose not to engage and protect your own peace as she is trying to protect hers.

Yeah I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone so ‘me me me’ all the time, everyone has stuff going on in life but we don’t ghost people and exclude them because of it. Especially if they can’t be happy for someone having kids which is a normal thing for the majority of the population, she should stop being so bitter. Find another mum with natural kids maybe!

@AnotherMum22 There are so many other places you could choose to spout your waffle. But no, here you are on the infertility forum, mouthing off about ‘natural and normal’. All the sensitivity of a brick. Go crawl back under your bridge.

Hi @Kathleen995, I’m very sorry to hear you are having a difficult time at the moment. I do understand that you feel let down by your friend, and hurt, especially that she left you out of birthday plans. I agree that this is not the way I would personally act either, and I too would be hurt if a friend did that to me.

However, you have come to an infertility forum in what I assume had to been to gain the perspective of people going through treatment similar to your friend, and yet it seems you have mainly engaged with those that ‘understand your perspective’ rather than actually hearing and taking on board what many others have said with regards to how deeply painful and difficult this can be. Infertility can make people act out of character, I know I’m personally losing my mind over here, so I would hope my friends would give me the benefit of the doubt if I lose my way at times.

Sometimes it’s enough to know that we simply can’t understand how someone else might be feeling if we’ve not gone through that same experience, and to just trust that they’re doing their best. If your friend is being distant and you suspect it’s because she’s doing IVF, perhaps respect her distance for now or offer some support, as any distance she may be making will be about what she’s going through rather than about you. And I hope you’re able to find support yourself from other friends, family or perhaps therapy, as what you’re going through does matter too.

@AnotherMum22 ‘natural kids’???! Really?! What are you doing on this forum.

Wow. Just wow. This comment is exactly the kind of ignorance that makes it harder for people facing infertility to feel safe or understood. Infertility isn’t ‘me me me’ it’s a deeply personal, often traumatic experience that affects every aspect of life, including friendships. Oh fab, because if having kids is ‘normal,’ then anyone who’s struggling should just shove their feelings down and throw confetti for everyone else? How selfish of her to have emotions that aren't convenient for others!! As for ‘find another mum with natural kids’? What a lovely way to say 'you're not a real parent.' Honestly, I'm glad I have no one like you in my life because like I said at the start, wow, just wow!!

OP like @Strawberrryfields said, it doesn't dismiss what you are going through at all, but perhaps if you need emotional support pick a different friend to lean on, I'm sure your friend knows what she is doing and feels awful about it but sometimes people dealing with fertility find it easier shutting off than having to constantly explain the pain they are feeling.

Thank you for your response, you make a fair point. I think this situation hits harder for me because she’s one of my oldest friends (we’ve known each other since primary school) and a few other friends (who don’t have kids) have completely dropped me out of their lives since having baby #2, so I’m increasingly frustrated at the situation and perhaps I’m taking it out on her more because of our history (and going through all this previously). I just find it very hard that we’re “allowed” to be friends when things are going well for her, but as soon as things get tough for her she retreats, which makes it difficult to maintain the friendship. Thank you for your measured and balanced response, I appreciate it.

I also don’t condone the language regarding “natural kids”, @AnotherMum22. That’s a very strange, slightly elitist viewpoint to take. I know people going through infertility would like nothing more than to be able to have children without intervention, and I’d never seek out friends based purely on how they conceived their children…

I'm so sorry OP.
Reading your messages from two years ago, I totally felt for your friend and while understanding it would've been so hurtful for you, I could see why she needs some distance.
Reading your most recent updates, I don't think she's a good friend for doing this again and leaving you on your own while you have a lot going on 😔

What the actual.
You are insane.