Counselling after successful IVF (sensitive post)

[Greenleaves20]

We have been incredibly lucky and have got two amazing children (now 4 & 1) after a long process and many rounds of IVF and frozen transfers. I’m very happy with how things are but the old feelings come back sometimes and I find it hard to manage them. Lots of feelings of anger, guilt, sadness etc around why we had to have IVF, why we can’t just plan to have a baby and have one etc. When I hear of friends pregnancy announcements it still stings, when I hear people’s plans to have another baby and then they just do it I feel or sorts of mixed emotions. If I listen to podcasts or read about infertility or people struggling to conceive I find it so upsetting and end up in tears. I’ve recently been trying to support a friend going through the process and it’s been really difficult.

Recently we have been unable to conceive a 3rd baby naturally and it looks like we will be having some more treatment. The feelings around this are of course nothing like when I didn’t think I’d ever have a baby but it’s still much worse than I expected. Every month the disappointment is still there.

Has anyone dealt with similar and could recommend a suitable counselling service to help me process some of these feelings? Or ways to deal with it? Does it get easier? Thanks

Hi @Greenleaves20 Didn’t want to read and run although I’m in a slightly different position because I have two children conceived naturally and quite easily to be perfectly honest with you. We started TTC a third 18 months later and we are now 2 years down the line without success. Had every test going and they can’t find anything wrong as such but it’s not happening. We’ve contemplated IVF for the last year or so but I think we are going to walk away from it. It feels like a huge thing to start now at what should be the end of our family journey, if that makes sense and I’m worried about all the emotional, financial and physical implications. I’m worried opening a can of worms at this stage and it setting me back mentally again. I also don’t even know if I could mentally cope with another pregnancy after all this time when so much would be riding on it. I just don’t know if I can put myself through anything else. The last two years have been hell without throwing ivf into the mix.

as for the feelings, I don’t know. I wonder if I have a bit of PTSD from the experience. Pregnancy announcements, babies etc. I find myself getting anxious, breathless, sweaty if I’m put in an unexpected situation where a baby is there or someone might announce a pregnancy. I also feel really angry thinking about how some people have reacted to our situation of secondary infertility and things people have said.

Sounds crazy. I have two lovely children but I always imagined we would have three and it’s heartbreaking and come as a shock.

I can’t imagine how it must feel to be in this situation for a first baby.

Sorry I can't be more helpful but I really empathise. Grief is grief. Of course it is harder for couples who face the prospect of no children whatsoever. But it doesn't mean it's easy not to have the family you wanted.

I haven't had post treatment counselling (...although I probably need it!) and I'm not yet at the stage of contemplating a third. When it comes, I'll need to make a choice: grieve the third child, which I'm sure I would eventually accept, or try to gather the strength to go through it again. My concern is being a good mother to my existing children because they are the ones who are here and treatment can be so gruelling.

Something that comforts me is I'm very much in the children phase of my life (early 30s)...in 10 years, it's not going to be the constant pregnancy announcements or chat about babies. Also - very cynically - while infertility is really unfair and cruel, life is just like that sometimes. I actively acknowledge all the amazing things I DO have because it can be easy to take that for granted. And I NEVER compare myself to friends who have conceived easily (which is all of them) because they have their own issues.

Sorry again, I'm not sure you can get around these feelings, you just have to get through them. Hope someone else has some counselling reccos for you (..and maybe me!!)