How do you cope when you are trying to conceive and its just not happening?

[Dreamingofasandybeach]

Just in need of some kind advice.
F 29

In a bit of a state this evening and feeling very low and emotional.

I'm sorry if this is a long one..

We've been trying for almost 8 months and still no luck, Ive been having irregular cycles and sometimes not even ovulating... The tip of the iceberg for me this evening was a friend who's just had a beautiful baby boy 2 months ago told myself and another friend in our group chat that her and her husband are trying for baby number two.

I understand that trying for a baby takes time but I'm finding it so hard to remain positive. I've always wanted a child (since I was about 22) and myself and my Fiancé are finally in the financial position that we felt its the right time to have one. (I'd have had one even if we didn't have the money but it's been my Fiancé who wanted to wait for the right time - which I agree with, just wish we'd started trying sooner a couple of years ago)

My friend and her husband know we are trying and are always asking when we are going to get round to having one and even the day of the birth of her DS she said to me to "hurry up and have one" 😞

I've had blood tests at the Dr's and all has come back fine, I've had an ultrasound and the tech noticed a small cyst on one of my ovaries but advised this wouldn't be causing the not ovulating or trouble conceiving..

I just feel like my life's in limbo - just wishing that each cycle is the month I finally see those 2 pink lines 😞

Has anyone been through similar and can offer advice or a little glimmer of hope? I know I probably sound absolutely pathetic but I'm just really struggling. I'm not at all mad at my friend, I think she means well and just doesn't think when she says things when I've told her we are still trying and I'm going through all these tests with the Dr and hospital for answers but I'm just sad for myself. It happened for them when they didn't even try so I don't think it goes through their mind that people struggle to conceive.

Any kind advice would be appreciated xx

We tried for 8 years I was petrified to go the drs in fear of them telling me there was something wrong. I would cry every time I got my period also our struggle was private and would avoid the inevitable questions ‘when are you having kids then’ by saying we’re not ready yet we want to do x y and z first. I had an early miscarriage that only me and my partner knew about and 2 weeks after my younger sister found out she was pregnant, I was happy for her obviously but absolutely devastated at the same time. I kinda gave up and thought there must be something wrong and it’s never going to happen. I stopped getting so stressed about it not happening, I changed jobs and my DD was born a year after my sisters little one. I now also have a DS too. Don’t give up but don’t put pressure on your self. I don’t know if your tracking everything and doing schedules but if you are take a break from it and try and relax if that makes sense. X

You mention you have had tests - has your partner had any? (If not, he needs to).

We've been going through male factor fertility issues for over 3 years and it's horrible. The best coping mechanisms I have found are:

• Being open with friends and family (takes so much pressure off) - and learning to be assertive about your needs and whether or not you want to talk about it.
• Keeping up with hobbies and interests
• Work is a good distraction too
• Self love and positive self talk (and supporting each other)
• Exercise and staying fit and healthy
• Compartmentalising - seeing other people's babies as different to my own potential baby, to enable me to be happy for them.
• Counselling

But you know, at 3 years, this is a long journey for me. 8 months is maybe a little more than average for your age, but it's definitely not out of the ordinary - it can take a year for perfectly heathy people to conceive. So try not to worry too much at this point - it might just be taking a while.

You mention you are not ovulating - how do you know this? Have you spoken to a doctor about it? My two suggested actions would be to do that if you haven't already, and get some tests for your Fiance. Good luck and try not to give up hope. You are still very young, it will happen.

@Dreamingofasandybeach hi op! I know this feeling all too well. DH and I started TTC when I was just 25 (that sounds so young now lol) and he was 30. After 3 years of trying, numerous tests scans etc on my behalf (he has a son already so never assumed it was him!) we finally got DH tested and it was actually him causing our fertility issues. (Not a blame game! But was lovely to have answers finally) we did our first round of IVF with ICSI in December / jan and we’re now pregnant with our first baby, DHs second. It was very pricey due to not being eligible for funding but so so very worth it.

I blamed myself every month we didn’t get pregnant, thinking my body just couldn’t hold a pregnancy. It was awful, all my friends were having babies. Both my sister in laws had babies in that time, and I hated myself. I found it way more tough the first 18 months than I did after that. But it doesn’t make it ok💜 please do look at getting your partner tested too. But also know that 8 months is within the realms of normal. In our area if you do qualify for IVF funding you have to have been trying for 2 years xx

Take some solace from the fact that 8 months is still well within the normal range. It can take healthy couples up to 1 year to conceive. In our case we started TTC when I was 24 and didn't get a positive until I was 27 after IVF, 3 long and quite miserable years. Our cause was male factor infertility, so definitely worth getting your partner tested also x

I totally understand how you feel. Please remember a healthy, young couple still only has a 20% chance of conceiving each month...so while it feels like everyone around you falls pregnant at the drop of a hat, in reality it takes most people some time. People just don't talk about it!

To add to the great advice above, although it can be very difficult to talk about, I would tell your friend that comments like 'get on with it' are not OK. As you say, she's not trying to be hurtful, but you don't have to experience infertility to show compassion for people going through it. It's hard when you're young because people are dismissive and say 'don't worry, it will just happen', which is true, but not what you need to hear when you're in the middle of it.

the same question - has your partner had test? Male factors contribute to 40% of infertility cases.

I echo what others are saying to please consider getting your partner tested before heading straight to ivf. The basic semen analysis is just that… basic, as is all about how sperm look and move, and how many they can see. If he thinks he might have a varicocele or has ever had any testicular injury or infection I really recommend getting a dna fragmentation test done too. We have just found out that mfi is at least our main cause due to my husband’s ’very significant’ (best urologist in the country’s words) varicocele, which the gp and our fertility clinic both dismissed or glossed over. He is getting it embolised soon but won’t see improvements in sperm quality for 3-6 months after that. So a lot of wasted time. His basic semen analysis came back normal/good… so I am now a big advocate for this!