Coping with best friends having babies…

[Marie8611]

Hi,
This is my first post, but just thought I’d post and ask for some advice. My husband and I have been TTC for 4 years. We have recently went through our first cycle of ivf and have had two unsuccessful embryo transfers, hoping for our 3rd chance in a few weeks time. My husbands best friend had a baby last week and both of my best friends are expecting, one of which is having a baby shower next week. I am finding the emotions overwhelming and don’t know how to navigate this, I want to be happy for them but at the same time is ripping my heart apart…has anyone gone through or is going through the same thing?

Yep. Been trying for 3.5 years. Currently both mine and DH's best friends are pregnant, as well as SIL. All three babies are due in the Summer and all will be close enough to call us auntie/ uncle. Not being happy for them isn't an option (and we are happy for them and excited, of course!)

There is of course a pang of 'when will it happen for us' but I work as hard as I can not to let that feeling take over. These children will be very special to us and we will love them all, so we just work hard to be resilient and positive, and limit any negative feelings associated with them. It's really, really hard, but it's one of the many demands infertility makes of us :(

It's the only way I manage to cope with it, to compartmentalise. Remind yourself that you don't want their babies - you want your own baby. It's an entirely different thing.

Do you have someone talk to/ counselling? That can help as well, and don't feel bad if you need to skip the baby showers etc. You have to look after yourself.

@Marie8611 hey! I totally understand what you’re going through. I’ve been trying for over 5 years and had 2 successful transfers that ended in miscarriage and 1 failed transfer. Pregnant now and waiting for 12 week scan. During that time a lot of my friends have had babies as well as my sister in law and each time I found it unbelievably painful. I never said I’m so happy for you as I physically couldn’t bring myself to say it. I would withdraw and reduce the time I spent with them whilst they were pregnant. And if I did I’d drink to forget that they were! I haven’t been to one baby shower and don’t even give an excuse. I figure that they should understand especially if close friends/family and if they don’t that’s a them problem! I know I’m bitter and probably have an attitude about it all but it’s a defence mechanism and I have done what I’ve had to do to protect my mental health. Take it easy on yourself, don’t put any pressure to go to things or say anything. You are most important and they should respect that x

I can completely relate! Husband and I TTC for 5 years, been together for 14yrs. My best friend was the first in our group to fall pregnant, I have had to endure all of the comments “how do you feel about it?” As if it would be “acceptable” for me to truly say how I feel, “well you’ll be an aunty” like some sort of pity commiseration runner up prize like it even compares, I have even had someone tell me that maybe the fact we can’t conceive is because we “aren’t meant to be together” which was probably the most hurtful one. And my BIL’s gf fell pregnant within a year of them meeting and has since having their baby complained how she “wished she could go back to her old life”.

@Lucy5yearsttc I am exactly the same, I am bitter, I am very bitter and I know that’s “unfair” and you’re not allowed to admit that but it can’t be helped and yes, I massively distanced myself from it all because I found it too painful but still get bombarded with constant photos, updates, etc.

I think it has to be the hardest part of infertility to be honest but just know that you definitely aren’t alone in feeling like this and it most certainly does not make you a bad person for having these feelings!

@Marie8611

This was me. Everyone around me getting pregnant and having second children whilst we had not managed to get pregnant at all.

I coped by not telling anyone about our fertility issues, I said that we didn't want children. I'd smile and be happy for them and I was I love children and am a big part in their lives.

I'd go home and cry in the shower. My best friend told me she was expecting her second 3 days after a negative test on a failed transfer. It was hard but for me the fact no one except me and OH half knew of our struggles made it easier for me to throw and attend the baby showers for them as there was no questions of you ok? You sure you can do this?

My second full round of IVF has worked 6 years we had been trying before I got those positive lines. I'm 36 weeks pregnant and still a big part of the children's lives and honestly they have gotten me through the past 6 years. I've had lovely experiences with each of them attending school plays and trips, cheering them on at games at the weekend. Taking them on day trips and holidays helping their parents throw them birthday parties.

I am sooo lucky IVF worked for us, but I will be forever grateful for the experiences and memories my friends and families children gave me and they will continue to give me.

It's ok not to be ok. I'd cry, message on here and let it all out. OH would support me if needed and reassure me that we were doing everything we could and would continue to do so.

Same. I'm convinced the only way to get through it is focus on something else and not let yourself turn their narratives into a fairytale. Because they're not.

1- Yes, they are having beautiful babies but they are also up all night, changing smelly diapers and dealing with feeding problems. On the other hand I'm enjoying romantic tropical holidays with my hubby and having lots of great DTD time.

2- I'd love a little one, but not having one right now allows me to work and save hard, so that when they eventually come along, we will have a lovely forever home for them to grow up in. Many of my friends have kids before this stage and now will have to juggle parenthood and saving for a deposit.

3- I'd give up my figure to be a mum, but as this is not currently an option, I'm focussing on being healthy and trim and rocking it! I'm not covered in sick or poo. I spend on my nails and beauty treatments. If I'm going to attend those baby showers, you better be sure I'm going to look good doing it.

4- I have time for my hobbies. They don't and probably never will again.

I could go on. I'm not usually the person that focuses on holidays or weight, but pep talking myself like this is the only way I can feel good about myself. It allows me to feel happy for my friends and celebrate with them, because I know that part of them wishes they could have my life and freedom.

It puts things into perspective.